Anger

How do you express your anger? Are you one of those people who blow up? Or do you bottle it all up inside? Or do you secretly take revenge? No matter how you deal with anger, I think today’s message could be a help to you.

Recently, Chip Ingram and Becca Johnson wrote a book entitled: Overcoming Emotions That Destroy – Practical Help for Those Angry Feelings That Ruin Relationships. That’s what I want to talk about today: Anger and “those angry feelings that ruin relationships.” That last phrase reminds us that anger has consequences, consequences that hurt our relationships with others.

Most people wrongly assume that those who explode are the only ones who have a problem with anger. You may already be thinking how this sermon is going to help someone you know who blows up. But anger can actually be expressed in several emotionally unhealthy ways.

According to one survey, 23% of Americans admit to openly expressing their anger, including “exploding.” On the other hand, 40% report that they hold it in or hide it. Almost 23% confess to having hit someone in anger, while 17% admit that they have destroyed the property of someone they were mad at. What do you do with anger? How do you deal with it?

I’m going to list the most common ways we respond to anger. Ask which ones apply to you? (If you really want to make progress, ask a trusted friend to tell you which ones apply to you.) All of us are on this list somewhere.

Ingram and Johnson have described three types of responses to anger. The first type is called Spewers. They spew out their anger. Here is how they describe themselves: Angry? You bet I’m angry! Or: When I get mad, I tend to let it out. I don’t hide my feelings when I’m mad, I tell people. I don’t beat around the bush. Sometimes I regret what I did or said in anger. People who know me well might say that I have a quick temper. My voice gets louder when I’m mad, and I’m more prone to cuss. Others have said that I can be intimidating when I’m mad. Sometimes I feel out of control when I’m angry. Sometimes I feel powerful when I’m angry. When someone does something that makes me mad, I get defensive and want to retaliate. Some people consider me opinionated. Sometimes I have to get mad to break through the bureaucracy. I am not angry!! Dangit!

Is this you? You only have to agree to a couple of these to be a Spewer. When they blow up, Spewers may yell, or shout, or even push. They can be aggressive and intimidating. They can be blunt and tactless. Or, they can be demanding or opinionated.

There are consequences to this type of personality. They hurt others emotion-ally, but they also hurt themselves. They have regrets and they feel guilty for their outbursts and manipulation of others. They have strained relationships. They are alienated from others. The people they have hurt want to get them back. They may have a false sense of power. Or, they may feel powerless.

What do Spewers need? First, they need to stop giving themselves permission to express anger negatively. This type of anger is not OK. They need to learn to communicate in constructive ways, ways that don’t hurt the people around them and themselves. They need a longer fuse. They need to know that it is possible to change. God can give them the power to change. And, if they learn to trust God, they won’t have to try to solve things with their own anger. Prov. 15:1 says: “A soft answer turns away anger, but harsh words stir up even more anger.” If you are a Spewer, learn to use soft words and a soft voice.

The second type of response to anger is called Stuffers. Stuffers believe that to show any anger is wrong, very wrong. And so they push it all back inside. Sometimes Stuffers will even try to pretend that their anger doesn’t exist. They don’t want to admit it or acknowledge it. They want to contain it and control it by locking it up and pretending it is not there.

People might say that a Stuffer is “cool, calm and collected.” (Suffers live to hear this.) But, people might also say that they are sullen, quiet and withdrawn. Stuffers ignore anger, deny it, deflect it, minimize it, avoid it, bury it. And they often pretend that they aren’t really angry. Here are some things that Stuffers say: I don’t feel comfortable with anger. I tend to view anger as bad; it’s something to be avoided. I feel very uncomfortable when others are mad. Growing up, we tried avoid anger in my family. I’ve seen too many people make fools of themselves in angry outbursts.

I swore I would never do that. I let people have their way because they won’t like me if I object. I avoid confrontation whenever possible.

I don’t like talking about negative emotions. I am afraid what will happen if I get angry. God doesn’t like anger. Does this sound like you?

There are some real costs to being a Stuffer. Anger pushed inside can be toxic. It can lead to depression. It can cause physical ailments. It can rob you of happiness. It can make you sullen, rigid and uptight. It can keep people away from you. And, what’s more, Stuffers can sometimes explode from all the pressure that is built up in them.

What do Stuffers need? They need to accept anger and know that it can be a helpful sign of a problem. Anger by itself is okay. The problem is what we do with. Stuffers need to acknowledge their fears and their feelings. They need to loosen fear’s grip of being angry. They need to learn to communicate their opinions and their needs more effectively. If they can trust God, and trust other people a little more, they will be greatly rewarded.

The third response to anger is called Leakers. Like Stuffers, Leakers believe anger is wrong. But, like Spewers, they have to express their anger and take it out on other people. And so, they take the passive-aggressive approach, expressing their anger in many indirect ways. They don’t admit it up front, but they leak it all over the place. Sometimes where you see it, but sometimes where you don’t. And naturally that reminds me of a story. One day, a husband said to his wife, “You’re amazing. When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?” The wife simply answered, “I clean the toilet.” Puzzled, the husband asked, “How does that help?” The wife answered, “I use your toothbrush!” Stealth response! Now that’s the secret Leaker.

Leakers can be complainers. They can feign or exaggerate illnesses as a way of manipulating others. They often fail to follow through on their commitments. They make excuses. They procrastinate. They play possum. Here are some of the things Leakers say: I try to hide my feelings when I’m angry. I don’t like dealing with people that I am angry at. No one understands me. When I’m mad at someone, I do things that bother them. I don’t have any true friends. I often gossip about people and things I don’t like. I tend to hold grudges. You all go on with your lives and don’t bother about me. I sometimes look for opportunities to indirectly get back at people who have done wrong to me. When I don’t want to do something, I pretend I don’t know how to do it. I don’t like to admit that I am angry. I can be hard to pin down. I talk about people behind their backs. I will support something if it is opposed by people I don’t like. I can be critical and complaining. Leakers will often say one thing and do another, which confuses and frustrates others, especially those counting on them.

Leakers hurt themselves by being bitter, spiteful, vengeful and critical. They hurt others through their unreliable ness, their gossip and their manipulation. They become alienated from others, and they contaminate their own well-being.

Leakers need to learn that the direct approach may be less harmful than the indirect. They need to acknowledge their angry feelings. It is very helpful for them to acknowledge their fears. They should learn to communicate in constructive ways. They should minimize their manipulative influence. They should be more clear about their true feelings. They should be reliable when they make a commitment.

How can we overcome these problems in our response to anger? Here are some things to realize. First, anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is not the problem, it is the warning light. In fact, anger is the tip of the iceberg. There are some very big areas down in that iceberg, things deep inside us, that anger is bringing to the surface: Hurt from unmet needs, frustration from unmet expectations, insecurity from threatened self-esteem, scars from when we have been hurt. Often people with anger issues were themselves subjected to abusive anger when they were a child. I haven’t got time to go into all of these things today, but I will repeat the list. Here is what is buried deep within us, where anger is the tip of the iceberg:

Now, how do you deal with anger? I want to answer that with the ABCD’s of anger management. (Not the ABC’s, the ABCD’s.)

A: Acknowledge that you are angry. Stop and take a moment. Don’t deny it or stuff it. Don’t spew it and wallow in it. Simply admit it, accept it and acknowledge it. Step back at a distance and say, “Look, there is my anger.”

B: Backtrack to the primary emotion. Ask yourself: Why am I angry? What am I really feeling? Why did this get to me? Is there something that has happened to me in the past that makes this such a big deal?

C: Consider the cause. Ask yourself: Who or what caused this to occur? How did this happen? Who or what frustrated me? Who hurt me? Without placing blame, simply repeat what events have taken place.

D: Determine how best to deal with it. Ask yourself: How should I respond? What should I do? When? How? How can I simply communicate my feelings, my perspective, without having to attack the other person?

That’s the ABCD’s. Now, I want to leave you with two last thoughts. First, anger is a choice. Or, at least how you express anger is a choice. That’s why the Bible says: “Be angry, but do not sin.” Of course you are going to experience anger, but that doesn’t mean you have to hurt someone.

You may not want to admit it, because you have learned such deeply entrenched habits of how your respond, but expressing anger is a choice. Anger is a response and any response involves a choice. You have a choice on what you do at that moment. You have a choice on how you prepare for that moment ahead of time, so you will know what to do. The more you prepare, the better you will handle it. If you do not prepare for anger, and you end up hurting yourself, or other people, God will hold you accountable for it. Hurting others or hurting yourself with anger is not a God given right it is a sin.

Instead of exploding, you might learn to say, “I am feeling really upset right now. Just give me a moment.” Instead of allowing someone to walk all over you, you might say, “I’m feeling a little uncomfortable about what you said or what you did.” Instead of responding in a passive-aggressive way, you might say, “Let me just share with you what I feel, and why I feel that way.” Practice these responses. You’ll be very glad you used them.

Finally, let God be involved. Remember that, with God, all things are possible. “I can do all things through Christ who give me strength.” The Lord can give you the presence of mind to stop and think. God can give you the strength to speak up when your inclination is to be run over. And the Lord can show you positive, up front, ways to work through your anger.

“Be angry, but do not sin.”

Let us pray: Lord, you know us. You know our anger. And you know the fears and scars deep inside us that make anger so hard. Show us how to rely on you. May we treat ourselves and others better. And by your Grace, dear Savior, help us to use anger as what you created it to be: a sign to point us in the right direction. In the end, Lord, let that sign point us to you. Amen.