Date Appeared: 04/05/08
Control – part 2
We call someone who uses manipulation to control someone else a controller. They operate through a stronghold pattern of control-rebellion-rejection. Do you know one? From an academic viewpoint this pattern is fascinating. In real life, however, this destructive stronghold devastates relationships, individuals and families.
Controllers cause people in their families to feel as though they are “trapped.” All members may falsely believe they cannot leave and live their own lives. For instance, girls may get married to escape their family. This is a picture of passive-rebellion and rejection. Such marriages usually end in divorce, why? Because the sins of the father and resulting curses are perpetuated in the new family, and the girl now feels just as trapped, if not more so, than she did in her original family.
Boys, on the other hand, tend to have fights with their dads and run away from home, (aggressive rebellion and rejection). They then start their own families and become major-controllers, trying to force peace where there is no peace.
The people being controlled feel as though their identities are being wiped out. They develop a “fight or flight” mode.
As I write this article, I sense by the Holy Spirit that readers may be thinking, “what does this have to do with Christianity? Why can’t he give me a tasty sermon on love, joy and peace, or something that makes me feel good and doesn’t ruffle my tail feathers?”
I’m not writing this to bring peace. I came to bring you a sword. This spiritual “controlling” dynamic is at work in 90-95% of so-called Christian homes who claim Jesus is Lord. Yet, the devil rules and reigns through illegitimate manipulation and control which is no more than sanctified witchcraft! Amen.
This stronghold has two cycles. As one person controls another, the second person reacts with rebellion and also with feelings of rejection. Consequently, the second person, out of both rebellion and rejection, also becomes a controller and so on through the generations.
Before I go any further, let me say that not all control is bad. There is legitimate control. A boss at work has legitimate responsibility and authority. Parents have God-ordained boundaries of control with their children. As children grow and people in the workplace develop, their boundaries should expand allowing healthy growth and joy to increase accordingly.
When a boss or head of household demands so much from a child or employee that it is ruining his or her home life, spiritual life, and perhaps health, the person is not acting in rebellion if he or she confronts and plainly states what he or she cannot condone.
God expects a person to put spiritual life, health, marriage, family and home life before any of the above. If someone loses a job as a result of proper confrontation, God will help that person get a better one. If you have been allowing someone to control you, you should ask yourself what price you are paying to have that person’s approval.
It’s sad when a person lives in so much fear of loss (whether of money, friendship, love or whatever) that he or she allows him or herself to be controlled.
Why do people control? 90-95% of controllers do so to cover their own pain in an attempt to avoid further hurt and pain at all cost. They will strategize, manipulate, reason, argue, ignore, etc. Logical people will behave illogically. Weak people become strong. Gracious people become rude. They will do whatever it takes to get their way so that maybe they can cover existing pain and feel secure and protected.
Since lasting security and protection are not available through control, they will always need to do more and more while knowing they cannot do enough. As a result, they experience no rest, no peace - only a constant relentless drive that consumes them and their entire life.
The underlying issue with controllers is mistrust. An unhealthy dose of pride goes along with it. Pride blinds us to our own actions and creates an insensitivity to others.
My prayer is that you will spend time with Jesus and release your pain to Him. Allow Him to heal your heart. Find your security in the promise of eternal life with the One who will never leave you or reject you. Do this continuously and watch your need to control others melt away. If you don’t, those you try to control will walk away from you in the end. We cannot force love, but through kindness and trust it grows.