ZoomNews survey – The question of help
Here was the question that appeared in ZoomNews August:
"What do you say to people who have good intentions and want to help you but you don't need or want it? It is uncomfortable sometimes in telling someone that you do not require their assistance. They seem hurt or unappreciated in their attempts to aid you when you do not need it. Do you feel badly about hurting their feelings? Do they feel embarrassed or ashamed? And what do you do when they are willing to help you with things you do not need help with, but when you do need help and they ignore you then what?"
I am always so thankful when people offer their assistance. I explain my situation and they understand and their help is welcomed.
What bothers me however is those folks who can clearly see you are struggling but either choose to not help or are simply so taken back by their inability to assist, that it really becomes uncomfortable. Case in point, finding the right sized piece of hardware at Home Depot.
I simply and most graciously say Thank You even if I don't need or want their help. It is easier for me to accept one's kindness and help and make that person feel good about them self, then to get into a dialogue about my condition or a rebuff that I don't want or need their help.
Adele ; )
This depends on the attitude of the person trying to help. To sum it up, there are basically three kinds of attitudes that can be displayed: one that shows what is called “soft bigotry” or an attitude of superiority and control yet with guile and a more subtle approach, that attitude of control and intent to show oneself superior even though the outside appearance is that of “wanting to help,” then there is those who are genuine and who offer to assist yet doing so out of kindness. While I really don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, it is from this third group that I’m most concerned with but it is also from this third group that can be educated the easiest and who will listen. May we also ourselves do our best to remain in this third group when we encounter others with different disabilities.
I usually take the lead to avoid uncomfortable and awkward situations. For example, when with a new doctor or person that doesn't know me, I initiate the conversation, by introducing myself and stating that I am vision impaired. Then I give a quick reference for them to remember me in the future, like "Can you imagine that I play blind golf?" Then after they respond, I make a verbal note to them, "that the best way to communicate with me is to explain what you are doing or want me to do in more detail than usual, and I'll be glad to do that. If I cannot, I'll ask for help." It always is a success, as there is no embarrassment for them and with the situation laid out, communication goes smoothly and the next time, they see me, they recall the little note, and will ask how my golf game is going!
Ty Thompson
Am I hesitant, or uncertain? --- Perhaps. But the absolute answer to the question is "Take the help!" - You may not need it, but what about the NEXT low vision person your (rejected) helper meets? He may want help, but the helper may not be as eager to volunteer. It's our duty to train these people.
So what if you get a little help? He may oil your roller skates, maybe.
The supermarket is really fun. I can see well enough to find the bean department, but I can't tell the difference between baked and green - there is usually someone walking by who is glad to respond. - When I explain that I can't read, little kids may wonder how I skipped that part of school. Sometimes the person doesn't speak English that adds to the fun.
The best thing I ever did was ask help from a big fellow in a wheel chair. I believe he was so much on the receiving end that he got a kick from giving the assistance. We met on another aisle - he was ready for more questions.
For me the die was cast with the Boy Scouts. As a twelve year old tenderfoot I was always on the lookout for little old ladies to help across the street. Sometimes with the fourteen and fifteen year old ladies we even walked down the block together.
Recently the conversations have been more about politics - that helps the blood circulation and occasionally pulls someone back from the cliff.
To sum it up: - Accept help when it is offered. You are training friends for those who really need it. (Not you or me - yet)
Russell Ellis
I simply say that I appreciate what they had done for me, even though I did not need the assistance at the time. This can be true with relatives. Although you do not want to hurt their feelings, sometimes it is better to go along with it and thank them in the end and say, “That you really appreciate what they had done.” Sometimes the thing I do is reward them by letting them have a pack of my cigarettes from my carton as a reward for the good deeds done.
As to ignorance, you just simply assume that they are not willing to help. For example, crossing a street sighted guide. I had noticed that I did need help at one time crossing a street and that people just walked by because they were too busy talking on their cell phones, hence the need for the blind community’s need to speak up and start demanding that their cities and towns install audible/vibrating pedestrian signals, to help out both the blind and the deaf/blind.
Pharmacies can also be the most ignorant of all. Especially the big chain pharmacies, who are very unwilling to purchase equipment that will put labels into alternative accessible format, however, I was at a CVS pharmacy in Watertown, Massachusetts yesterday and the pharmacist did print out the label in large print and I told her that it needed to be attached to the prescription bottle. Her reply was that the large print labels were on too many sheets of paper to attach it to a prescription label. The label was blown up using a Xerox copying machine, which is an old fashion way of putting materials into accessible format for people with vision impairments or low vision to be able to read. I was at Community Access Monitor Training yesterday and the day before, September 11-September 12, 2012, and as one might expect, one page of print would translate into three pages of Braille. So, thus, how is this going to help with prescription labeling when all of the important information needs to be on a medication bottle to identify what the instructions, the number of pills or eye drops are contained in the medication bottle and also the expiration date and the number of refills remaining, the prescriber’s name, the pharmacy name, and last but not least, the RX number and the pharmacy’s phone number.
Thus, the help we need in that area comes in the form of technology. There are devices that can read aloud to blind people information contained on prescription labels. At the current time, Wal Mart is running a pilot program with the Script Talk system in ten stores, as last updated from En-Vision America. Either through an out of state pharmacist or through their mail order pharmacy. Thus, to find out more about this pharmacy program, contact En-Vision America at 1 800 890-1180 to find out about the program or any other pharmacies that offer prescriptions using the script talk system put out by En-Vision America and then see what medications are covered in your prescription plan and see if the insurance has the pharmacy in their network, or the alternative is to look into either purchasing or having your insurance company or Medicaid in your state through prior authorization cover the Pen Friend, which comes with recordable labels that can be attached to your prescriptions and have the pharmacist record on these labels. And when it is time for a refill, you will need a new label to recorded on. Then, once the Pen Friend is placed on the label, through the push of a button, you will be able to hear that label.
If the pharmacist does not want to record the information, then it is time for the blind community to be proactive and write to the headquarters of their pharmacies and demand equal access to their prescriptions. Thanks to the FDA Safety and Innovations Act, we are one step closer to accessible prescription labeling as the pharmacies have to establish a working group to establish best practices to make prescription labeling in accessible format for the blind and visually impaired. I tried to get health insurance companies to cover the costs of the devices up in Massachusetts through legislation for 10 years and had failed. The problem is that medical supply stores do not have the devices in their stores, and also the pharmacies do not. The insurance companies, especially, MassHealth want to see the devices in the stores or pharmacies. In short, if we want the help we really need, we as a group need to come out in numbers and advocating for things like accessible prescription labels and accessible pedestrian signals, such as audible/vibrating, or you can always write to Apple or Microsoft or other third party software companies and have mobile apps that can do this, and may I add, without the extra cost of a data plan, because, if one is not employed, how can one afford a data plan. In short, you want the innovations to also be applicable to devices that use wireless hot spots via iPod touches or the iPad or even the Android operating system. And finally, in Microsoft’s mobile version of Windows 8. Our relatives are not going to be around forever. So, we might as well be proactive now, because, one never knows.
Submitted By Brian Jude Coppola
A simple ... "Thank you - but I need to know how to do this task for myself" response is both honest and direct. You need not be forceful or rude, simply show yourself to be competent and capable. The last thing you want to happen at that moment is to enter into a long-winded discussion of your needs and their need to be helpful.
If the person is insistent, with further offers of help - calmly and in a low conspiratorial tone of voice - explain that your hope is for someday to be able to live an independent life and that this is but one of the skills that needs to be practiced until mastered. Sincerely thank the person once again for their concern and then excuse yourself to "concentrate on the practice at hand". By this short and polite exchange, you will have both gracefully acknowledged the persons good intentions and satisfied their need to be of assistance to you. Further, you will have included them in on the process that will most effectively help attain your goal for independence.
When someone offers me help when I do not wish to receive their help or do not need it I thank them as graciously as I can but explain that I am anxious to try to continue doing things for myself as long as possible but would be pleased and grateful if they would try to assist another person and ask that person to try to help another, thus continuing the help circle.
Rita Carlo
When people want to help me when I do not need it or want it, I will say "Thank you but I can manage this." Sometimes I just let them help me when I really do not need it then say "Thank You," with a smile.
If they ignore me when I need help, I say, "Please, can you help me with this?"
Joy I. Glick
When someone tries to help me with something I don't need help with I understand their good intentions so I say "thank you I got it, I see it". My close friends will ask me if I need assistance and know that I will ask for help if I need it. On the other hand my family members tend to get angry if I tell them I don't need help. They think they know better than me what I need and don't need assistance with. People who don't know me well will just start helping and when I say I can do it they start talking to me like I was a child "are you sure you can do it? I don't mind doing it for you." In this situation everyone involved feels uncomfortable and puts tension between us.
Sue Nyland
This happens a lot to me, when I am places (I have a guide dog) people are always trying to help me with carrying things when shopping or helping me order or asking if I need help with my dog. I mean I am a 16 year old girl with some vision the only difference is I can't see well and I have a dog with me! :) I sometimes just let it go and have them feel like they were helpful but other times I tell them "oh it's okay I can manage". I feel bad for not taking help but if I don't need it I don't want it. I feel bad if they get embarrassed so I usually smile and tell them it's okay not to worry and it was nice to offer! People are usually understanding. :) Sometimes I get the old "how did you know I was petting your dog, you’re blind" lol but I say "you know not every blind person is in the dark, some of us see just not well" :) most people are nice but some can be a trip! :) Most people are always ready to help but kindly I always say sure or no thanks, careful not to hurt others feelings!
Danny Bohbot :)
Most definitely a common occurrence. I am however somewhat lucky in these circumstances. You see I am a 'big unit' anyone offering me assistance is doing so in full knowledge that if they don't step aside quickly momentum is not their friend. I can joke about it, but many of my female VIP friends are often accosted by men looking to somehow "look after" them, and they tell me it is sometimes a bit unnerving.
My approach is always to be polite, "thanks for the offer, bit I'm OK at the moment" and then sometimes I add "I know I take a bit longer to find things, but I get there in the end".
It is easy to be a bit flippant when you are as big as I am. People are friendly and had very good intentions.
I have also had a few scuffles, Once I bumped into someone and they spun ready to hit me, but my size and then the case (fortunately) stopped them quickly (lucky for me).
Thanks
Ross
Always have a smile and use humor where possible. And remember nearly everyone wants to do right by you.
I try to be flexible with what I say depending on the situation or the person I'm talking with.
Don't need help:
"I really appreciate your offer, but I think I'm OK. I'll certainly let you know if I need help."
"Thanks a lot, but I've been doing this so much that I can almost do it with my eyes closed."
"That's really kind, but I'm too proud."
"Yes, if you are a psychiatrist."
"Sure...... I'd love a new sailboat."
Do need help:
"I'm almost blind, could you please...... ?"
(with a shopping list in hand) "I'm almost blind, could you please get somebody to help me by these items?"
"I don't see well, could you tell me how to get to...... ?"
I sometimes bring a white cane ...more to get help than to get around. The first time was at Starbuck's. I was a bit self-conscious (I still ride a bicycle), but the great results got me over it immediately!
NB: I have 20:500 vision from Stargardt's (a form of juvenile macular degeneration)
Christopher (Kilof) Legge
Hi,
This happens a lot!!! Usually I just play along & let them "help." Sometimes I say NO and offer an alternative, such as visiting or sharing as equals. That seems 2work2 ease tensions & build a relationship.
Some say I have an odd sense of humor, but I’m rarely being funny = I am "always" serious = I criticize or teach others. So I think they r just tryn 2 ignore what I say!!!= make it a joke. sad
Jim
PS I ask people 2 say their name when we meet: they don't. My friend says 'please take off that mask so I know who u r.' I need 2do that !!!joke a bit more !!!
Well, the way I look at it, if I had answers to the contest question, I would not have submitted the question in the first place.haha so here goes.
When it comes to close friends and family, I react much differently than I do to acquaintances or strangers. Easy enough when it comes to the latter group as I simply explain my situation and define what I need assistance with. I absolutely love it when a cute male flight attendant offers his arm to walk me down the jet way when boarding a plane. I act like I cannot see at all. I also love it when they gush all over me so I usually do not let pride stand in my way by telling them that I do not need their arm around me or the flattery they bestow all over me while walking very very slowly down the jet way. I may be blind but I am not stupid.