Ahhh Hello I M Neville Smythby Smythby Tollesbury Hunt, but You Can Call Me Sir

Jesus – Liar, irrelevant, boring or really boring?

Cast: Four characters either played by four people or one person playing all four if time for a break.

Style: Four “talking-head” style monologues about the relevance of Jesus today.

Background: The first alpha session is called Christianity: Boring, Untrue and Irrelevant? and this drama was developed for use in the Alpha supper context. However, any or all of the characters will work in most types of mission of evangelism context. As the characters are caricatures care will need to be taken if people are likely to see themselves!

Neville Smythby Smythby Tollesbury Hunt

Style: A posh Tim Nice-but dim type character with a slightly pompous mean edge. Comedy teeth will help with accent. Jacket, shirt and cravat would complete the image.

Ahhh Hello I’m Neville Smythby Smythby Tollesbury Hunt, but you can call me sir. [laughs at own joke]

Are you with the All Saints lot? [insert relevant church situation]

Ahh well you won’t catch me in the church—not unless you mean that snug little inn down on the green. [laughs at own joke again]

I was a choir boy once. Funny frocks and itchy ruffs. Actually I did believe in that Jesus bloke and lots other unbelievable things like that. You know the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, the stork bringing babies and Jack Frost. I even believed my mater when she said that my teddy was alive just like the Winnie the Pooh.

Well it came as quite a shock I can tell you, when I discovered that Santa Claus wasn’t real.

[Looks at person on front row as though they have reacted badly to the news]

Oh look don’t cry. I thought everyone knew.

Anyway, after Santa it was all down hill. After much interrogation mater and pater confessed that they were tooth fairy and the Easter bunny too. Jack Frost was actually meterological effect caused by the cold and that how babies came about was too unspeakable to mention. [shudders at thought]

So I reckon that Jesus stuff is bunkum too. Whoever heard of a dead man coming back to life? What ho. Enjoy the food.

Porsche Man

Style: Essex boy made good. Day trader with cash to spare. Stripey shirt and slicked back hair.

Money? Nothing to be a shamed of.

[Waves wad of Cash]

I wouldn’t say I had loads of money but that’s my Porsche in car park. And you see that other Porsche in matching pink that’s my bird’s car.

We could have saved petrol by coming in one car—but I don’t need to, so I don’t.

I don’t worry about anything in life. Got a problem? It’s nothing that ten grand couldn’t solve. Feeling sad? I could give you £50—that’d put a smile on your face. Of course I won’t ‘cos I wouldn’t have loads of money if I gave it to people like you would I?

People say to me “What’s Meaning of life?” Who gives a monkeys. Money makes the world go round, so why do I need meaning in my life? The church has nothing to say to me—it’s just a job creation scheme for posh Eton kids who didn’t get a job in the civil service. Just an excuse for grown men to wear their shirts back to front and go round in skirts.

And Jesus? What does some bloke who died 2000 years ago have to say to me? Nothing. He didn’t even have a mobile phone. How can you respect someone you can’t text message? And all that stuff about the meek shall inherit the earth? Too late Mr Meek us rich blokes we got there first.

Anyway have fun—I only came for the free food!

Johnny Done-it-all

Style: Surf dude who has been on every adrenaline high there is. Long hair, faded t-shirt and a surf\boogie board for full effect.

Hey dudes! Hang loose!

Hey wake up—you look like you’ve been watching Songs of Praise

Hey isn’t life cool.

You’ll never catch me doing anything boring.

Life’s too short.

There always some new experience, some new thrill to try.

Parachuting off cliffs,

Hang gliding off mountains,

Bungee jumping into water,

Hanging ten off my surf board

Swimming with sharks

Walking with dinosaurs

I’ve done it all.

So I’m looking for the next thrill

Some one told me that Jesus was the coolest thing since gangsta rap.

So I went to church.

Wow! Mega-boring!

It was colder than my solo crossing of the Antarctic

The sermon was longer than my round the world yacht journey.

The pew was harder than a Norwegian glacier

And the welcome was as friendly as being greeted by a tribe of cannibals who hadn’t eaten for six weeks

I had to stay at home for a week to recover.

Jesus is cool? Only in the same that Victoria Beckham is posh.

I’d get out now before the sermon starts.

Couch potato man

Style: Doesn’t ever move. Lives life through the TV set. Slump in a chair with a load of empty cans around you for full effect. Stare at the imaginary TV set and never look away from it.

Click

Nothing on as usual

Still I’d better check through all 90 channels again.

Click

Life and loves of the lesser-spotted wagtail.

Oh no I’ve seen it before.

Click

The most amazing police videos in the world ever! Episode 37.

Oh it’s a repeat.

Click

Songs of Praise?

What could be more boring that going to church?

Watching it on telly

Click

Oh look

Sky sports channel 12

Live celebrity paint drying from world paint Olympics in Nebraska

Now that’s what I call entertainment.

Beats Song of Praise every time.