Are You a “Smother Mother”?
Tired of Explaining Why?
©2003 Teresa Kellerman
Q: I'm writing to you, because you have kept that 24/7 supervision in place. As my son gets older, 15, the docs are even saying “not so close.” But without it he'd already be in jail or juvenile detention. How did you deal with people who thought you were a "smother mother"?
A: I say something like this:
Sit down, because what I have to tell you will take a few minutes. Since you care enough to give me advice on how to parent my child, I figure you care enough to learn why my son needs what I provide for him. Some people think I am overprotective and that I should let go and allow him to learn from his mistakes. I do that every day, but in ways that will not place him at risk of getting hurt or arrested.
First, I'd like to have you look at my other son, who is not alcohol affected, whom I raised with the same care and concern. My non-disabled son has proven he is capable of making his own decisions, he has learned from his mistakes, and I have allowed him to have his freedom and to learn from life's experiences. He is a healthy young adult, living on his own, independently, does not abuse alcohol or other drugs, is not in debt, and is careful about his social relationships, and holds a steady job. I think I did a pretty good job with him, so I trust my parenting instincts.
I also trust the research that has been done by experts in the field of FASD. And I trust the result of the assessments that have been done on my son with FASD. The results of those assessments say that he has a lower than normal IQ, that he has good verbal skills, that he has the social/moral development of a 5 year old. Combine that with raging hormones, lack of impulse control and poor judgment, and my son is a sexual crime waiting to happen. But he is innocent and good natured, would never intend to harm anyone. He is naive and vulnerable, like a 5 year old. He looks like an adult, and so people have unrealistic expectations that he can control his behavior.
But his frontal lobes do not function properly, so he cannot plan his actions or control his inhibitions. He understands cause and effect, but his brain damage from prenatal alcohol exposure keeps him from being able to use that information properly. His FASD causes him to be inappropriately friendly to strangers. While he is very sociable, he lacks the social skills to interact appropriately. While he is very friendly, he does not know how to maintain a healthy friendship. He is so desperate for friends, he will do anything for someone who acts friendly toward him, including committing criminal acts, most likely without knowing he is committing a crime.
The statistics on teens and young adults with FASD tell me that I need to be very careful in protecting my son from his disability. Sixty percent of adults with FASD have problems with substance abuse. More than half suffer fromclinical depression, and 23% have attempted suicide. Sixty percent have been in trouble with the law. Only 10% of adults with FASD are able to attain success in living and employment. My son's lack of impulse control and poor judgment tell me that he is not in that 10% who might be able to live and work independently. If I do not provide my son with the "external brain" that he needs to be safe, it is very likely he will end up in jail, on the streets, or in a morgue. I'm not willing to set him up for failure. I made a commitment to him to help protect him from his disability. I am acting on the advice of the professionals who know what is best for teens and adults like my child.
I have also learned from parents who have made the mistake of giving their teens with FASD the freedom that is given to non-disabled teens, and these parents are now visiting their children in prison, or caring for their alcohol-affected grandchildren, or are grieving the early and unnatural death of their child. I trust those who know best what my child needs. Forgive me if I follow their advice, not yours.
Now, I will stop talking if you promise to read this brochure "FAS and the Brain" and this article "Broken Beaks and Wobbly Wings" that was written by a parent expert whose son, at age 26, is still safe and happy and enjoying his relative freedom within the protection of 24/7 supervision provided by his mother and a few trusted individuals who understand his needs and limitations. Thank you for listening. After you read the brochure and article, if you'd like to discuss this further, I will be happy to answer any questions you might have. And I hope in the future you will be more supportive of my efforts to be a good parent.