1
Are You Being Served? Episode 2
Are You Being Served?
Ground floor
Perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food. Going up...
First floor
Telephones, gents’ ready-made suits, shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes. Going up...
Second floor
Carpets, travel goods and bedding, materials, soft furnishings, restaurants, and teas. Going down...
First floor
Telephones, gents’ ready-made suits, shirts, socks, ties, hats. Going down...
Episode 2 - Dear Sexy Knickers …
Mrs Slocombe: Thank you so much, madam – good afternoon!
Captain Stephen Peacock: Good afternoon, madam! ______, Mrs Slocombe?
Slo:Well, in lingerie, ______!
Step:Better than ______, eh, Mrs Slocombe?
Slo:Now now, Captain Peacock, ______in front of my little assistant!
Miss Shirley Brahms: ______– ______! Bras, I mean!
Step:I’m sure it’s against staff regulations! Still, ______!
Shirl:Yeah, you could have fooled me!
Slo:Ooh, I’ve no time for that man! ______!
Shirl:______!
Slo:Well ______– if he tries anything like that with me, I’ll slap his chops! Oh, Mr Lucas has got a customer! Ooh, ______!
Shirl:Yeah – bet he doesn’t ______though!
Slo;Oh, ______– he’s so obliging, and ______! You know, yesterday, when we were trapped in the lift alone together, ______!
Shirl:______?
Slo:No! He just pressed the alarm bell and ______!
Mr Ernest Grainger: Well, I think that fits very snugly, don’t you, Mr Humphries?
Mr Humphries: Oh, ______, Mr Grainger!
Customer: ______?
Ern:Oh no, I, I think those will ride up with wear, sir – ______, Mr Humphries?
Hum:Oh, ______, Mr Grainger!
Ern:Yes – now if you could just raise your arms up and down, sir, so that we’ll see if that’s snug ______, yes! I, I think that’s snug, don’t you, Mr- ?
Hum:Oh, ______, Mr Grainger! ______!
Ern:Not in a sports coat, Mr Humphries!
Cus:It seems to be ______!
Hum:Ah, ______, sir! One does tend to do that when one is trying on new garments!
Cus:______?
Hum:Oh, yes, sir, yes! You see, ______, well, ______, aren’t I, Mr Grainger?
Ern:______, Mr Humphries!
Hum:Why don’t you try to stoop a little, sir?
Cus:______?
Hum:Yes, ______! There you are, you see – it’s perfect!
Ern:Now, ______, sir, to complete the ensemble?
Hum:Oh, ______, Mr Grainger!
Ern:Er, er, ______, sir?
Cus:Oh! Well, er – _____?
Hum:Oh, isn’t that extraordinary – do you know, ______to say brown!
Ern:A very wise choice, sir – ______!
Hum:______– ______!
Ern:Do you know your inside leg, sir?
Cus:Well ______, I think!
Hum:______, Mr Grainger?
Ern:No thank you, Mr Humphries! ______!
Hum:______, do you?
Ern:What?
Hum:Your truss!
Ern:______, Mr- Now, tape measure, Mr Humphries!
Hum:____, Mr Lucas!
Lucas:____, Mr Humphries!
Hum:____, Mr Grainger!
Ern:______, Mr Humphries!
Luc:Failed!
Ern:______?
Luc:“______”, Mr Grainger!
Hum:______, Mr Grainger!
Ern:Thank you, Mr Humphries! ______, Mr Lucas!
Hum:______!
Ern:Mr Lucas, get me a pair of brown 40s, 31 and a half!
Luc:Well no, I can’t – ______!
Hum:______, Mr Grainger! You know with your sales record, I wouldn’t chance my arm at the practical jokes!
Luc:Well I’ve got to relieve the monotony somehow! You know, that fellow- my customer’s tried on his- so many jackets ______! I wish he’d hurry up and make his mind up!
Hum:______?
Luc:Well ______and chat up Shirley!
Hum:Who’s Shirley?
Luc:Miss Brahms!
Hum:Oh – we’re on first names terms now, are we?
Luc:Yes– ______!
Hum:I wouldn’t have thought ______!
Luc:Well she’s not – mine’s got measles!
Hum:Don’t let Peacock see you fraternising over there – otherwise you’ll get ______, and I can tell you ______! Ooh!
Luc:I know what – ______! Here, ______! A bit short on lead, aren’t you?
Hum:______?
Luc:“Dear Sexy Knickers,”
Hum:Oh! ______!
Luc:Well if you don’t ask, you don’t get, do you? “______!”
Hum:Well ______!
Luc:“Meet me outside at 5:30 and ______!”
Hum:What – ______? You’ll be run in!
Luc:Oh, you do- you’ve ______, have you, sir?
Cus:Well I like the pattern, but ______!
Luc:Well ______, sir!
Hum:They do vary, sir – perhaps if sir would like to - ______, ______!
Cus:Oh, thank you!
Luc:______? ______!
Hum:______! Now this is a little wrinkle worth knowing! ______– I don’t want Peacock to see! Now you’ve heard of ______? This is what’s known in the trade as ______! You see, you put it over like that –
Luc:Oh ho, very crafty!
Hum:- and you pull, until ______! If you listen, ______!
Luc:There’s a trick in every trade!
Hum:Well ______, Mr Lucas, is to make sure that the customer gets it home ______!
Ern:Mr Humphries!
Hum:Coming, Mr Grainger!
Luc:______, sir – ______! Sir – would you mind, sir? We’re in front of the whole- ______!
Slo:Oh, look! A man in his shirt-tails!
Shirl:_____?
Slo:______!
Shirl:It’s that Mr Lucas you know – ______!
Slo:Oh, ______! It’s not his fault – ______! Oh, he’s there again – look, in the fitting room!______! Oh, ______– it really isn’t!
Shirl:No! It wouldn’t make the centre pages of Cosmopolitan!
Slo:Now that’s something ______! Why anybody wants ______with a picture of a nude man in it! Ooh, ______!
Shirl:I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy!
Slo:Well ______– ______!
Cus:Oh, that’s much better!
Luc:Oh, ______, sir!
Cus:Are these er, ______?
Luc:You know, I wouldn’t do that if I were you, sir! I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t do that if I were you! No, no, they’ll, ______, sir, with wear!
Cus:Oh, ______?
Luc:Oh, yes, sir, definitely! In fact ______, ______
______!
Cus:Are you sure ______as the last one? ______!
Luc:No, I assure you it’s the same, sir – ______!
Cus:______, ______!
Luc:______!
Cus:Nevertheless, ______– just to satisfy myself!
Luc:Would you?______!
Luc:Mr Humphries!Erm, the customer would like the other jacket – ______, ______!
Hum:Oh, what a pity! Hah, hah – ______!
Hum:Oh, too bad! That’s the trouble you see, sir – they’re going like hot cakes today!
Cus:______!
Luc:_____?
Cus:Well when I go like this, ______!
Luc:Well, let’s face it – ______, do they, sir? Unless of course you’re a midget pianist!
Cus:Well perhaps you’re right, but what about the trousers? ______!
Luc:Do you use a shooting stick much, sir?
Cus:Yes, they’re er, actually-
Luc:What, under the er-
Cus:Yes, ______!
Luc:Yes, unfortunately they vary in size too, sir – ______!
Cus:What?
Luc:W- w- would you mind obliging by dropping- ______, sir?
Pea:______, Mr Grainger?
Ern:Yes, ______, Captain Peacock! I’m just going to ______with Captain Peacock – ______, will you Mr er-
Hum:Yes, Mr Grainger!
Pea:Ernest – I’ve just had a complaint from Mrs Slocombe about young Mr Lucas!
Ern:_____!
Pea:Well apparently he allowed one of his customers to appear ______!
Ern:______, Stephen?
Pea:Oh yes – ______!
Ern:Oh! Well then, it’s ______! It’s a great pity, you know, I think, that we have to ______!
Pea:Oh, ______!
Ern:Well, I personally have a complaint to make also. ______, one can see right through ______!
Pea:______? Er, where- ______?
Ern:The corner of the- that - counter!
Pea:Oh – thank you, Ernest – I shall, I shall look into that and er- ______, I shall most certainly make a complaint – ______, yes!
Cus:______?
Hum:It is the fashion nowadays for trousers ______, sir!______, Mr Lucas?
Luc:Oh, yes, ______, Mr Humphries – ______, sir, and ______– it also helps to keep ______, you see!
Hum:Thank you, Mr Lucas!
Luc:That is, of course, if ______!
Hum:Thank you, Mr Lucas! Well sir, if you’d like to slip them off, ______!
Cus:______?
Hum:Sir, now ______if they were not?____, Mr Grainger!
Luc:____, Mr Grainger!
Ern:Ah, I’ll make out a bill!
Hum:How did the new jacket fit?
Luc:Oh, ______, Mr Humphreys! I am just about to find ______!
Hum:______, Mr Lucas!
Luc:______?
Hum:No.
Luc:Well you might have told me before!
Pea:______, Mr Lucas?
Hum:Well, it- it was like this, you see, Mr Peacock – my customer’s crotch was too tight, and I was trying to stretch it – them – I mean –I was- I was- ______, sir!
Pea:You seem to have succeeded ______!This is a very serious matter, Mr Lucas!
Luc:Yes, sir!
Pea:Mr Humphries, ______?
Hum:Yes, at the moment!
Pea:Ask Mr Grainger, if he’s free, ______!
Hum:______!______, Mr Grainger?
Ern:Yes, I’m er, ______, Mr Humphries!
Hum:Captain Peacock ______!
Ern:Yes - very well!
Pea:Do you encourage your assistants to try to ______?
Ern:______! Do we, Mr Humphries?
Hum:______, Mr Grainger. ______, and ______!
Ern:Certainly!
Pea:Well I’m afraid I can’t deal with this, Mr Lucas! Mr Grainger will ______, ______before Mr Rumbold! And Mr Lucas-
Luc:Yes, sir?
Pea:-______!
Ern:______?
Hum:______!
Ern:______?
Hum:A ticklish 28!
Ern:You should have tried the reduced rail!
Luc:Yes, sir!
Hum:______, is it?
Luc:It’s not going to be my night either, ______to Shirley!
Hum:If Peacock ______, you might as well ask for your cards and leave with dignity!
Luc:Well ______?
Hum:Well try and ______, and get her over here!
Luc:______, ______!
Hum:Well beckon her over!
Luc:______!
Slo:Take over for me, would you, Miss Brahms – Mr Lucas wants to see me ______!______!
Shirl:Well, ______!
Hum:______!
Slo:______, Mr Lucas?
Luc:Yes, ______, Mrs Slocombe!
Slo:I do hope that my complaint hasn’t ______!
Luc:______?
Slo:______!
Luc:Blimey, you haven’t got measles as well, have you?
Slo:I mean, ______!
Luc:And vice versa!
Slo:______in the lift yesterday – I mean, it isn’t that I mind seeing a man ______-
Ern:______, Mrs Slocombe?
Hum:Sounds as though ______!
Slo:I was merely thanking young Mr Lucas for being ______yesterday, when we were ______!
Ern:I see!
Slo:And I hope that I haven’t got him into trouble ______!
Ern:______, Mr Lucas, but do I understand that you got Mrs Slocombe______yesterday? And you had ______in her department?
Luc:I’m sorry to disappoint you, but yes, ______!
Hum:Oh, ______! I thought things were going to liven up a bit!
Mr Rumbold: Do you mean to say that ______because we hadn’t got a larger size? Now what was this – temper?
Luc:No, no, no, sir – you know- you see ______, sir – erm, Mr Humphries ______-
Rum:Ah! You mean, Mr Humphries ______– let’s get our tenses right!
Hum:No, no, you don’t understand, sir, no – you see ______!
Rum:______?
Hum:No – ______then!
Rum:You mean, ______?
Pea:If I might ______, sir-
Rum:Thank you, Captain Peacock – it does seem to have got ______!
Pea:Yes, it’s er- it’s er______, sir!
Rum:______?
Pea:Yes sir – you spelled “need” ______, Mr Humphries ______!
Rum:Oh, you mean like kneading dough – is that it, Mr Lucas?
Luc:Yes, that’s it yes – I needed the dough but he didn’t want the jacket______!
Rum:So you kneaded it to make it moresupple, which was ______– you may recall, Captain Peacock, ______!
Pea:______, sir, yes! But what they’re trying to explain, sir, is that erm- and coming from Hardware, you would not be aware of this – but ______– and er, I disapprove of it myself, sir – there is a method used ______– and the method used is to ______, ______!
Rum:______, Captain Peacock!
Pea:Perhaps if you were to slip off your jacket, sir, ______!
Ern:Perhaps, sir, at this juncture, I might say that ______!
Pea:Now sir, the trick, as I understand it, iser- Thank you, Mr Lucas!______, ______, is to ______.
Rum:______?
Pea:Oh, it doesn’t harm the jacket, sir, it just – ______!
Rum:Perhaps it would be better if you ______, Captain Peacock!
Pea:Very well, sir! Now then sir, if you willer- listen carefully!______– ______– __!
Rum:I can’t hear any stitches go!
Hum:______!
Pea:What makes you say that?
Hum:Well ______!
Rum:It’s obviously a – ______! And ______what the penalty should be!
Luc:Is he going to put the black cap on?
Rum:Yes, well, I think we’ll deduct ______from this week’s commission, Mr Lucas! And judging by your sales record, ______!______!______!
Pea:Thank you, Mr Rumbold!
Ern:Thank you, Mr Rumbold!
Hum:Thank you, Mr Rumbold!
Luc:Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, ______, Mr Rumbold!
Pea:Ah – well- I’m surprised you didn’t discharge him sir! _____?
Rum:______!
Pea:Thank you!
Rum:Well, ______did occur to me, Captain Peacock – thank you! But erm- ______, I could hardly justify replacing him!
Pea:Could you not – no.
Rum:And er, ______, ______might be called into question!
Pea:Might it?
Rum:Yes – ______with all those children!
Pea:______!
Rum:I hope for your sake that ______!
Slo:And do bring it back if ______, madam!
Cus:Thank you!
Slo:Well, as I was saying, ______– since Mr Slocombe’s no longer erm, ______- I mean it’s very difficult ______- I mean you can’t just go down to the pub ______with all those men ogling at you, can you? Well, ______, anyway!
Shirl:Well what happened to that man ______– you know, the one that you ______– ______?
Slo:______!
Shirl:______, ______?
Slo:Well, it sounded like his heavy breathing, but ______!
Shirl:Oh look – ______! I wonder what Mr Lucas has done now?
Slo:______!
Shirl:Ooh – ______?
Slo:No, ______– ______before we had so many cup sizes!
Shirl:What, ______?
Slo:No! ______we used the door knob in the ladies’!
Hum:______?
Luc:I’m sending this note to Miss Brahms – ______!
Hum:Missed by a mile – you’d better go and get it ______!
Pea:______, Mr Lucas?
Luc:I was- I was just stretching my legs, Captain Peacock!
Pea:______!
Luc:Sir! Blimey, it’s like being in Colditz!
Hum:______!
Pea:______, Mrs Slocombe?
Slo:______, Captain Peacock!
Pea:Mrs Slocombe, ______to er, Mr Grainger, and he, on his part, ______- about ______from his department!
Slo:______? ______, ______?
Pea:Mrs Slocombe, I- I don’t think that he’s quite as broad-minded as we are! Oh, ______, will you?
Shirl:______?
Slo:Oh, ______– Captain Peacock gave it to me! Ooh, ______!______, Miss Brahms! “______, - ______! Meet me outside at 5:30 and ______” – ______- Well, really!
Shirl:______!
Slo:As a matter of fact, they’re directoire! Some men get quite worked up about them, you know!
Shirl:What, ______?
Slo:Well, there is ______about them! Well there was during the war, anyway!
Shirl:I suppose with all ______at the time______! You going to go?
Slo:Well, from the tone of the note, ______, but- well, ______, and I am at a loose end!
Shirl:______, ______!
Slo:That’ll do, Miss Brahms! Well of course, ______– I think I shall be discreet and ______!
Hum:______!
Luc:She’s not going to phone the head of department?
Hum:______!______!
Luc:______!
Hum:______?
Luc:_____!
Hum:______!
Slo:______with Captain Peacock, please?
Hum:______! Captain Peacock – ______?
Pea:Yes, ______!
Hum:Phone! While you’re down there, ______!
Pea:______!
Slo:Hello, Captain Peacock! This is Sexy Knickers!
Pea:Would you- ______?
Slo:______!
Pea:______! I beg your pardon, but ______?
Slo:______! Customer, indeed! Now ______, but I’ll meet you outside at 5:30!
Pea:______?
Slo:What do you mean, how shall I know you? ______!
Pea:______?
Slo:Do you mean ______?
Pea:______!
Slo:______!
Shirl:______?
Slo:Well he implied that he never sent the note! “______?” he says in that Royal Signals voice of his!
Shirl:But ______!
Slo:Well ______–
Shirl:______?
Slo:Have you shown him any encouragement?
Shirl:______! I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!
Slo:And ______– fancy asking a junior out!
Shirl:Captain Peacock, please! I’ll soon ______for him!
Slo:Has he ever molested you, dear?
Shirl:No, but he did have ______that time he offered to help me down with my corsets!
Slo:He what?
Shirl:______in the stockroom!
Hum:______for Captain Peacock!
Pea:Shh! Captain Peacock speaking – ______?
Shirl:______!
Hum:______, Captain Peacock?
Pea:Just a routine enquiry!
Shirl:______that I couldn’t fancy you if ______in Gents’ Ready-Made!If I was your age, I’d take myself off to …
Pea:Just ______, will you, Mr Humphries?
Hum:Yes, Captain Peacock!
Shirl:… that sewer that you call a mind, instead of running around like some Peter Pan what’s been knocking back the pep pills!
Ern:______there, Mr Humphries?
Hum:Well ______, yes, Mr Grainger!
Ern:______!
Shirl:Just because I let you take my corsets down once doesn’t mean to say that I fancy you! If I have any more of your old guff, I’m going to ______!
Slo:______, Miss Brahms!
Pea:I think Miss Brahms has said enough!______!
Hum:______, Mr Grainger?
Ern:______!
Hum:It must be something meant for Soft Furnishings!
Luc:______early today, Mr Grainger?
Ern:Why? ______?
Hum:I think he’s going to ______!
Pea:Yes – ______! And ______, Mrs Slocombe – ______until I get to the bottom of things!
Hum:Glass of water – a glass of water for Mr Grainger!
Luc:But ______!
Hum:______!
Pea:______, Mr Grainger?
Ern:Yes, ______, Captain Peacock!
Pea:Mr Humphries?
Hum:Yes, ______, Captain Peacock!
Pea:Is Mr Lucas free?
Hum:I think ______!
Pea:Ah, Lucas – now, I have here a billhead from this department on which is written “Dear Sexy Knickers, ______. Meet me outside at ______and we’ll get it together”! Now then, ______as head of this department ______. Mr Grainger, ______?
Ern:______!
Hum:Mr Grainger wouldn’t say “Dear Sexy Knickers”! You’d say “______”, wouldn’t you?
Ern:______!
Pea:Mr Humphries, ______?
Hum:No – but ______!
Pea:Well, in view of those two denials, ______!
Luc:______, or ______?
Pea:Yes, well we’ll leave the matter of your future in abeyance! But what you will do, ______for the distress you have caused!
Luc:___?
Pea:Yes, now!
Ern:Yes, now!
Hum:Well, ______!
Luc:Well at least it gives me a chance ______and chat Shirley up and ______!
Hum:Oh, if you fell in the dark you’d come up with coal!
Luc:______, Mrs Slocombe?
Slo:Well ______, Mr Lucas!
Luc:I’m, I’m afraid I’ve, ______, Mrs Slocombe!
Slo:Have you, Mr Lucas? ______?
Luc:Well, ______came from Captain Peacock?
Slo:Yes?
Luc:______!
Slo:Well! ______, shouldn’t I?
Luc:____?
Slo:______!
Luc:______?
Slo:But you’re a very naughty boy, ______! ______
______, and ______!
Luc:______?
Slo:______! You know, ______!
Luc:____?
Slo:Oh! ______! Well I’ll just put my hat on and ______! Mind you, ______!