The Modern Courtship Process
(by Eric Blievernicht)
This is a bare-bones description of the steps of the courtship process. I'll add more detail on the why's, how's, etc. later. Courtship may be understood as an intelligently engineered system to eliminate and protect against the problems of dating. Since dating has no protective or guidance mechanisms it is wide open to abuse by financial, physical, sexual, or emotional predators. Dating is also an extremely ambiguous process, which leads to much confusion, misunderstanding and heartache. Current social responses (the rise of matchmaking services, selling pepper gas and self-defense training to women, etc.) are band-aids on a broken system. Actually, dating could be better defined as the lack of any defined system for attaining marriage, leaving individuals to flounder along blindly. Courtship eliminates each of the problems of dating and establishes safeguards against abuse in the system.
"Courtship is an application of the principles in God's Word for male-female (romantic) relationships. Courtship is the process of getting to know a person with marriage in mind. In a courtship situation, the young man asks the young woman's parents for permission to court their daughter. The father of the daughter oversees the whole process." (Angela K. Hanson, "Courtship and Dating: A Biblical Analysis," p. 3)
Preliminary Requirements
A young man should NOT seek out a marriage partner until such time as they are emotionally, spiritually and materially prepared for marriage. To ignore this advice is to court (pardon the pun) disaster. The young man should be prepared financially for marriage, including a steady job and some degree of savings (the exact amount is a personal judgment). Spiritually, the man should have Jesus first in his life, rather than seeking a mate first. Those of you who have read my life story know exactly why that is critical! Emotionally they should be mature and prepared to serve as a loving husband (Ephesians 5:25-33).
For the young lady, a similar set of criteria should first be achieved before they consider themselves ready for courtship and marriage. Emotional, spiritual and material preparation are as important as for the man. Materially, they should have the necessary skills for managing a household. In our society, having occupational skills and the necessary educational background for a chosen field is certainly desirable, even economically necessary. Emotionally and spiritually they should also strive for maturity, waiting with patience and faith in God for the right suitor and prepared to serve as a Christian wife (Ephesians 5:22-24, 30-33).
One suggestion used by some families involves the sharing of a heart-shaped locket between a daughter and her father when she reaches her teen-age years. It symbolizes the giving of the young ladies' heart to her father for safekeeping until marriage. Naturally, more than just symbollism should be involved; a close relationship should be maintained such that the daughter has no emotional need to be met elsewhere. My impression is that unmet emotional needs for love are a primary contributor to the dysfunctional relationships so common today.
Another good suggestion is to encourage youth to make written or public vows of fidelity and chastity in waiting for marriage. Some people may regard such acts as mere meaningless symbolism, but "sworn word may strengthen quaking heart," as Tolkien would say. It is more a question of how much effect such a vow would have rather than whether it would have any effect. It would serve as a reminder and source of moral fortitude in times of trouble and temptation that would not otherwise exist.
Youth should avoid exposure to contamination and temptation from evil. This is a general rule for Christians which is followed far to rarely. Whether it is "romance novels" or peers who are fixated on their (almost invariably dysfunctional) dating relationships (or lack thereof, etc.), Christian youth should seek to keep themselves clear of traps and snares laid for them and remain committed to the courtship process.
Initial Contact
1. The courtship process is always initiated by the young man. Not the parents (this is courtship, not arranged marriage!), though they may of course give advice and offer suggestions as to a possible match. The young lady does not take the initiative in any case, rather waiting prayerfully and keeping her heart with her parents.
2. Where possible the young man should conceal his interest in the young lady until he has approached her parents. This is to prevent her from making an advance decision that may conflict with the counsel of her parents. It also serves to prevent undue emotional stress on her part if she suspects someone is seriously interested in her. Naturally, the young man should get to know her decently well within a public setting before committing himself to courtship.
NOTE: One advantage of courtship is the opportunity to see people as they really are. Typically in a dating relationship people will "act" and take special efforts to behave nicely and conceal their normal selves when around their date. How many times have you heard "she's not the woman I thought I was marrying!" (or vice versa)!? Watch how the young lady treats her father and family. Watch how the young man treats his mother and family. That can tell you a lot about what they will be like after the wedding.
3. When the young man has a young lady in mind, he should seek the counsel of both his parents and God through prayer. The parents have the right to veto the proposed courtship at their discretion if they feel their son is not ready, or, after discrete investigation of the young lady, they believe their son has made a poor choice. This prevents young men from having their hearts "stolen" by someone whom his parents (more level-headed and with more life experience) can see is an obviously bad choice. It also prevents the young lady from having to turn down a young man who is a poor choice for her, and protects the couple from suffering through a bad relationship that had little to recommend itself in the first place.
NOTE: In most cases a young man should look first to his father for counsel. In cases where the young man comes from a troubled family, the mother, older brother, a pastor, uncle or other trusted older man should serve as a surrogate. Courtship is not meant to be an inflexible process, so long as the underlying principles are understood and followed.
4. After the father of the young man gives his approval, either the father or the young man approaches the father of the young lady to propose the courtship. This is done discretely, without the knowledge of the young lady. As noted above, in the case of a broken family the suitor should be directed to a surrogate who has the trust of the young lady and her best interests at heart.
5. The father of the young lady considers the request. He should investigate the young man and get to know him well enough to be comfortable with him. This may entail activities together or subsequent meetings to establish familiarity and trust. If the father believes the young man has potential but is not satisfactory as yet, he may choose to work with him or set goals for the suitor to attain to gain his approval. These goals should be carefully considered, the reason for them should be clearly communicated, and they should be unambiguous. They may relate to spiritual, material or other matters. For example, regular attendance in church, attainment of a certain salary or amount of savings, or completion of an educational program. Where possible, this should all be done without the specific knowledge of the daughter to prevent emotional stress on her part.
6. Once the father of the young lady has decided to approve the courtship, he should then approach his daughter. She has the power to veto the proposal, in which case the father will communicate this to the young man or his father. This eliminates the more stressful nature of a direct rejection. If she gives her approval, the courtship may begin! In some instances there is a formal announcement of the courtship, such as at their church or via other means.
NOTE: One difference between courtship and dating are the additional "hurdles" to be crossed. Both the parents of the fellow and the lady, as well as the young man and woman, all have "veto" power over the courtship. This effectively raises the "quality" of the romance and the behavior of participants dramatically.
The Courtship Proper
1. During the courtship, time spent together by the courting couple is supervised by the parents, particularly the father, of the young lady. This provides ample opportunity for wise counsel and guidance, and prevents any regrettable actions from taking place (you know what I mean). Date rape, STD/VD's and destructive, intimacy-damaging behavior (as mentioned here) is stopped cold.
2. The open nature of courtship is designed to encourage interaction between the suitor and the whole family of the prospective bride, encouraging friendships with the whole family. The rest of the family, including younger siblings, are given an opportunity to interact with the suitor and offer advice and feedback.
NOTE: Obviously, courtship encourages and to some degree demands a healthy family. The adult supervision is not meant to be overbearing (something is unhealthy about the family if the young lady is rebellious in the first place!), but rather loving. If the young lady is rebellious, that ought to be a red flag to the suitor and his parents that she would be a poor wife. Remember the commandment: Honor [and obey] thy parents? (Exodus 20:12)
3. Parental supervision does not mean the parents have to stick tenaciously within arms' reach of their daughter whenever her suitor is visiting! While complete privacy should be strictly avoided, the couple should be able to speak privately when they wish, for example, in another room with the door open. The parents should always be around, but not intrusive if they need a little private space. Avoid both extremes. (Hint: if the couple really want to be alone just so they can talk, they can always use the telephone.)
4. The father should continue to work with the suitor, helping him develop character and testing him where needed. Likewise the mother of the suitor may interact with the young lady and develop a friendship with her. It is perfectly permissible for either set of parents to slow down or delay the courtship process to address and resolve any concern that arise, before or at any points during the process. The suitors should treat these decisions with respect for their parents rather than selfish rebelliousness.
5. Activities during courtship should be family-oriented, as opposed to focusing on the courting couple. The couple should get ample opportunity to see one another interacting within a family setting. Is the young man willing to sweat and get blisters and put in a hard day's work on some project with her dad, without whining? Does she mind cooking and cleaning and keeping a neat household?
NOTE: Another advantage to courtship over dating is the more "real-world" nature of courtship. Since couples see one another in "normal" family settings they gain a better idea of how they will act in a marriage. By contrast, dating specifically emphasizes going out and doing "unusual" activities (like seeing movies, going to nice restaurants, special events and celebrations, etc.) that give an artificial idea of how people will really behave on a day-to-day basis. People also tend to "put on their best behavior" while on dates, which also gives rise to misconceptions about their true nature.
6. The developing relationship should be evaluated in light of Scriptural principles; for example:
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. (Ephesians 5:22-31)
Is the young couple and their relationship reflecting these passages?
7. Suitors may become engaged (betrothed) before they are ready to marry; for example, when a young man is still in school. Thus, the betrothal period may be quite short, or years in length. Marriage should not actually occur until the couple has a stable income and is otherwise fully prepared. If a marriage date is not specified the conditions to be achieved before the marriage date should be clearly specified.