The Duck Times®

Land Slide
Rips
Through
Down town
Tempe
Causing $30000 Worth
Of Improvements
Nation
Wide
Blackout
Caused
By
World’s
Largest
Nose!
See National p.5 / Monkeys Terrorize
Zoo!

By, Josh Stroke

Yesterdayat the Phoenix Zoo the monkeysatthe Monkey Island exhibit are reportedly flying and terrorizing the population. There are also reports that the monkey can swim and Attack people walking by on trails by jumping at them like crocodiles. The first person attacked by these monkeys was Connolly student Josh Stroke he says, "they took my popcorn and I will stop at nothing to get it back." Apparently the reason the monkeys are acting this way was traced to a tree full of radioactive bananas believed to have come from a tourist boating by the exhibit. Another report is that someone threw a Wizard Of Oz DVD on the island, but that doesn’t explain the swimming. Zoo officials say, "we believe the monkeys are dangerous but we are not sure". / Fire department
burns
down!
Yesterday #23 Tempe fire station burned down. Fire officials say, “The mascot did it.
Safety
Safety department says in New York alone a man is hit by a car every forty-five seconds. He is not expected to live. .
Comics p.2
Puzzles p.3
Local p.3
Weather p.3
Jokes p.4
National p.5 / China Has Chopstick shortage!
By, Joshua Wilson
Recently in China there has been massive panic because of a chopstick shortage. The Chinese population has been forced to eat with their hands instead of using fancy, American forks. Chinese officials say “everybody calmly panic and run around in circles.” “Aberrantly the trees have gone on strike.” Says Andrew Trainor. The Chinese government also says “what secret chopstick stash? We are certainly not hording all the chopsticks in china. (Nervously).” /
Sunny
High 105°
Low 79°
Details p.3
Named stupidest Paper in the world

Local

Uneventful Week Ends in Riot!

Saturday there was a riot at the local macaroni factory in downtown phoenix. The department of exiting events caused it. “We were just so bored! So we had to do to something exiting or we would die!” says local farmer Moe Shmoe. So this week hasn’t been so uneventful after all!

Weather
Sunny with a 0% chance of falling cows. Forecast for the next five days: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Puzzles

Jokes

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Rich Texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far.
"J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked.
"Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."

Q: Why are jokes about the Spice Girls so short?
A: So that the girls themselves can understand them.
Q: What do you call a Spice Girl in a university?
A: A visitor.

Q: Why was Emma so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle after 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said: "From 2-4 years".

National

Nation wide blackout caused by world’s largest nose!

Thursday at Hoover Dam world record holder

Eye M. shrubbery sneezed on the main turbine at approximately 8:03 AM. The impact completely

destroyed the turbine stopping the electricity flow from the dam.

We have no idea how this phenomenon occurred,

but scientists think that the other power plant workers went on strike after the dam shut down. “if they don’t have to work, we don’t have to work!”

says power plant worker Bobby Jones.

Police are trying to get the workers to go back to work so they can have power for their donut machine. “At a time like this I would usually fire a lot of people, but now there is no one left to fire!” says power plant manager Billy Bob Johnson. We do not have any more information to give you at this time. We will give you more when we get it.

But if we don’t get it, to bad.