They Shall Be Comforted
- Where is God when we suffer?
- Death was not what God wanted for us
- Although death is with us for now, God does not willingly make us suffer loss
- God is with us in our grief
- The grieving process
- Grieving is normal and healthy.
- You are not alone
- God has given us resilience
- Complicated or prolonged grief
- Helping the process along
- When do we need outside help?
- What can you do to help the process?
- How can we comfort others?
Death was not what God wanted for us.
Let’s start with a story. Adam and Eve lived a perfect life in the Garden of Eden. One day, the serpent tempted Eve and she sinned. Adam followed suit. Romans tells us:“When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam's sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned.” (Romans 5:12 NLT)
Death – separation from God – was our choice, not God’s. It was never his heart’s desire to be separated from us. Through his death and resurrection, Jesus conquered sin and death and brings us back to life and union with God.
Although death is with us for now, God does not willingly make us suffer loss.
“For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.”(Lamentations 3:31-33 NIV)
God is with us in our grief
God’s compassion is with us in our grief, even as Jesus stood in front of his friend Lazarus’ tomb and wept with those gathered there. The Psalms bring us great assurance:
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”(Psalm 73:26 NIV)
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”(Psalm 23:4 NIV)
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”(Psalm 34:18 NIV)
Grieving is normal and healthy.
Grief is a natural response to loss, especially the loss of someone we love. Jesus said that those who mourn are blessed, because they are in a position to receive comfort from God.“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4 NIV)
You are not alone
God’s Word promises that he is with us. We can find strength for the journey in his presence.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”(Isaiah 41:10 NIV)
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.”(Psalm 46:1-2)
God has given us resilience
Grief is natural, and so is healing after loss. God made us with the ability to recover from loss. “…Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”(Psalm 30:5 NIV)Know that, usually, by God’s grace, you will travel through the dark valley and come out the other side again.
Yet, there are some losses from which you don’t just “bounce back.” The loss of a child is devastating, and you always carry that with you. The loss of a spouse or a close sibling can be like losing part of yourself, and the process of returning to normal functioning takes time. The loss of a parent, depending on the stage of life, can have far-reaching consequences. Sometimes years go by, and people still find daily life challenging, and feel lost in that dark valley. In some cases, months after a traumatic loss, things get worse instead of better.
How do you know when resilience is just not enough, and you need outside help? If, after a six months to a year have passed, you are still unable to return to normal activities and experience a meaningful level of enjoyment in daily life, then you may need extra support. Not being able to focus on anything else but the loss and longing, or having persistent guilt (believing that you did something wrong, or could have done more), are signs that the process is delayed. If you begin to question whether life is worth living, or have no sense of purpose in living, it is definitely time to get professional help. If you find that you are turning to illegal drugs or alcohol to cope, please get help as well.
What can you do to help the process?
Whether or not you seek outside help, what can you do to support the process? Recognize your own coping strategies and maximize the most constructive ones. People cope differently. Some focus on preserving memories. They may work hard on preserving photographs and family mementos or creating other memorials. Some focus on bringing the family together and find comfort in seeing everyone functioning more or less normally as a family. They may take on organizing the holidays or family reunions, or just help keep people in touch. Others take a more directly spiritual approach, taking the opportunity to think about their own relationship with God and encourage others in faith. Some support a cause like cancer research that can help prevent others from experiencing the same loss. Give yourself permission to use the strategies that work best for you.
Try experimenting with different ways, too.Taking time regularly in a peaceful setting to recognize the presence of God with you in your grief can help you build resilience.Writing or journaling about the meaning of your experience can be helpful. So can being part of a support group. Of course, getting enough rest, eating well, and staying active support the process of integrating the experience of the loss into your life in a way that you can return to a full and joyful life.
How can we comfort others?
How can we comfort those who are hurting? Paul speaks of comforting “…those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”(2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV)People who are hurting need most of all our quiet presence and genuine empathy. They need us to let them feel what they are (or aren’t) feeling and simply be there to help them through the practical realities of the loss.
They do not need well-meaning pep talks. Proverbs says “Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone's coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound.” (Proverbs 25:20 NLT) That is quite an image – remember it. Blessed are those who don’t know what to say, for when they keep silent they say all that needs to be said.
People grieve differently. Not everyone responds to loss in ways we recognize as grief. Crying and talking about the loss is not the only healthy way to respond. Some people focus on celebrating life or finding laughter. It is important not to judge the way someone else grieves, because there are different healthy responses. It is not for us to say whether another person “should” cry more, or less, or whether they should “move on” or have moved on too quickly. Some take more or less time than others.
Sometimes people ask us about God when they are grieving. Then we can comfort them through the hope of the resurrection and eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ. We can tell them that one day, grieving itself will come to an end.
“‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”(Revelation 21:4)