This document showcases a real Comprehensive Editing Order as it was returned to the client. [Bracketed phrases] have been used substituted for the client’s name and other identifying information.
Hi [client],
First of all, let me thank you again for placing your order with me via . I am very pleased to have you as a customer and I look forward to working on your unique piece. I will do everything I can to ensure you are happy with the final outcome.
The format of the edit is very simple. I start with the general comments you are currently reading, then make more specific comments in the margin of your draft using the track changes function, and then finally produce the edited version at the end. Be sure to read all the comments, however, since they will highlight areas of possible confusion and suggest additional material in addition to justifying my changes. To date, all of my customers have been very pleased by this format, but I welcome your comments on its strengths and weaknesses.
I like a lot of the elements in your essay and I think it has the potential to be a truly great personal statement. You do a great job of mixing your story of personal development as an artist with a budding interest in film with the more theoretical discussions of what makes film a unique art form. The only thing standing in your way as of now is that some of these more abstract sections are a bit hard to understand. This is obviously due to the language barrier you are working against (and I should say that I am impressed by your English!) and I think I can clean it up quite effectively.
I ultimately decided to change the order of presentation in your statement. Where you had started with a more general discussion of the value of film, I found it more effective to begin with your story as an artist and then engage this discussion once you have established the background for your interest. I recognize that this is a bold change, but I think you will be pleased by the narrative it creates.
I don’t know what expectations a reader for a MFA program would have about the level of film-making you should have done before entering the program. My suspicion is that it could vary greatly. However, if there is any way you can tell your reader a bit more about a specific film that you have already made, this would definitely be worth your time.
All the best,
Nathan Labenz
Original Version
Statement of purpose
Video is an eye with no soul.[NAL1]But when it meets people, being recorded through one’s eye, being seen through the others’ eyes, the complicated relations amongimage,sound, people and eventsmay create infiniteimaginations leading participantsto feel things andto close to their realitythrough diverse perspectives.[NAL2]And what I feel about the impenetrable“New World,”[NAL3]as so real and also fake, made of the combination of people and machinesmay naturally blur the gap between artworkand audiences;it may work as triggers of experiences directly toward audiences’ hearts, unwittingly[NAL4]evocated their personal experiences as well. This iswhy I consider video/film works could perform so powerful and whyIwould like to choose (video/ film) as my future major, where I expect to explore more possibilitiesof what video could bring to us.
I love painting since very young [NAL5]and evenwent to study at the Art Classesin my junior and senior high schools, where both were far away from my home. However, since I enteredthe Department of Fine Arts of National University of Tainan[NAL6], there had been some significant changesinfluencedmy lifedramatically. First of all, one of my teachers, Mei-Chi Chen, plays an important role on my studying life. She gradually guided us to understandthe ideas of movements in the modernarts throughpractical researches and regular discussions about the art theories and our works. From those processes, I deep concernedvarious aesthetic issues[NAL7] while attempting various art forms, from painting to new media art. These constantly stimulatedme asking questions about life andart,which have meantsubstantial to me.
What is also worth to mention is that[NAL8] I got a special chance to participate the 6thBauhaus Stage Workshop at Dessau,Germany, in 2004. In the workshop, Ijoined many projects with teams and discussed where art took place around the Bauhaus. Such as empty [NAL9]supermarkets,abandoned housesof inhabited areas, and other urban spaces,thesehad been structural changedby decreasing population of the area.And we sought possible forms of use of these spaces as well as tried to create a new, distinctive image of them. As for me, during a number of experimental researches with artists, performers, sociologistsfrom diverse fields, I learnedenormously [NAL10]how close relationshipsbetween art and urban spheres. On the other hand, I began trying to work with video, learning how to shoot and to edit the films. By working with video and excellent performers, it wasmy first time clearly sensed the connections among body,thought, and space; used body and video to feel things, not only human eyes. Those incredible experienceshavenot only opened my eyes but alsoadded something into my life.[NAL11]
After the workshop, Istarted to believehow strong it could be to communicate with people through art.And I continued doing experimentalapproach with people through my artworks and teaching art as well. However, I still felt only little knowing about peopleandbegan tobe drowned in books, from the particular themes of philosophy,such as epistemology, metaphysics, etc, in which I was thirsty for widely understanding the most essential problems of human being over thousands years.[NAL12]Additionally, I made much effort to reexaminethe sophisticated relations between people and mediawhilethe moment art really happened;willing to find a potential wayto create art and to bring art near people as well.And it was also exactly where I foundvideo/filmcould create intriguing possibilities,since I often found myself be uncontrollablydrawn into someone’s experiences as real as I was the one truly experiencing. And this discovery really inspired me and increasingly encouraged my desire to know more about video/film, seeking how it could work to people.
Therefore[NAL13], this is the main reason why I find the programs provided by your (filmmaking)department, includingthe specialized technical training and the theoreticalresearches of boundaries between different forms of media, extremely attracts me.And I firmly believe that by working with video/ film would definitely widen my ability of doing art and philosophical exploration, and (the school name)would give me excellent opportunity to develop my potentialityand flower my life.[NAL14]
Revised Version
Statement of purpose
I have loved art since I was a young child and have always prioritized artistic pursuits in my education. As a junior high school and high school student, I left home to study painting at special art institutes and I was later honored to be accepted to the National University of Taiwan’s prestigious Fine Arts Department. While I had expected my undergraduate years to be the next step on a similar artistic path, my interests have actually evolved quite dramatically. At this stage in my career, I have made it my goal to work as a film-maker.
My artistic transformation began as one of my teachers, Professor Mei-Chi Chen, gently alerted me to the prime importance of movement in modern art. Through a series of close-range art analyses and regular theoretical discussions, I developed a deep concern with the aesthetics of movement in forms ranging from traditional painting to new media. The questions at hand address life as well as art and have been tremendously rewarding for me on a personal as well as artistic level.
In 2004, I was extremely lucky to have an opportunity to attend in the 6th Bauhaus Stage Workshop inDessau, Germany. I participated in a large number of team-based artistic projects and constantly discussed the forums in which art could flourish in the urban landscape. Empty supermarkets and abandoned houses had begun to multiply as the area’s population decreased, and it was our task to create a new and distinctive image for these disregarded spaces. I was drawn to the interaction between the artistic and urban spheres as I worked with a diverse set of fellow artists, performers, and sociologists, and I had my first chance to connect bodies, thought, and space through film.
The artistic possibilities of film became clear to me as I learned the basic technical elements of shooting and editing. While a video camera may be aptly described as an eye without a soul, there is no limit on the potential richness and complexity in the relationship between a subject, a camera, and an audience. The modern combination of image and sound can capture people and events from unique perspectives and, when used effectively, presents viewers with powerful fuel for the imagination. At the same time, though, film is very difficult to really comprehend. It blurs the distinction between real and artificial and elicits personal emotional responses with alarming regularity. For these reasons, I have developed an acute interest in film and sought opportunities to build on my initial film experiences.
My faith in my ability to communicate through art reached a new high after the conference. I have continued to experiment with film art while teaching various artistic subjects, but I have also worked to improve my artistic potential in other ways. To develop the philosophical perspective I see as critical to the world’s most interesting art, I am actively studying humanity’s most lingering questions in epistemology and metaphysics. I have also reexamined the creation of art as it is localized in time so that I can bring these moments closer to my eventual audiences. Each of these themes has added a layer of wonder to my understanding of film and has continued to develop my respect for the form itself. I love the experience of being drawn into an experience through film and I am anxious to create these moments for others.
My thoughtful approach to art and philosophy ensures that I will generate fresh and sophisticated film ideas, but I also recognize that the complexity of the medium demands technical expertise and formal theoretical training. I apply to a Master’s program in Fine Art to address this need with dedicated and directed study. I am confident that *school name* will allow me to develop as an artist and philosopher and I will be extremely excited to join your community of talented and creative people.
[NAL1]This is a fast-moving introduction. Is this your take or is it something that originated elsewhere? If it’s not your original phrasing, you should give credit somehow. It also might be more correct to say that a video camera is an eye with no soul. It’s a small point, but it’s important to be technically correct at the introduction.
[NAL2]I think I understand the main idea of this sentence, but I encourage you to review my revision carefully to make sure I have accurately captured your sentiments.
[NAL3]Maybe this would be obvious to someone who is more knowledgeable about film, but I don’t know what this refers to. Can you explain?
[NAL4]Unwittingly is like accidentally. Is this the word you want?
[NAL5]Grammatically, this should be “I have loved painting since I was very young.”
[NAL6]Oops! I assume you mean “Taiwan.
[NAL7]I think what you mean to say is “I grew deeply concerned with various aesthetic issues…”
[NAL8]Watch out for this kind of material in all English writing you do. You don’t need to say there is something else worth mentioning—just mention what you want to mention! We’ll get a full 8 words back by cutting this.
[NAL9]You can’t really start a sentence with “Such as.” You use this phrase when you give a category and then follow up with examples. For example, you could write: “The city’s uniquely urban settings, such as an empty supermarket or row of abandoned houses, gave us a chance to…”
[NAL10]There is nothing grammatically wrong here, but we wouldn’t use “enormously” to modify the idea of how you learned.
[NAL11]This is great, but the obvious question is: what did it add to you life? Is this the subject of the next paragraph or is it something else?
[NAL12]Interesting approach.
[NAL13]I do think you should probably set this section off as a separate paragraph, but this sentence reads like it was part of the previous paragraph.
[NAL14]This kind of figurative language doesn’t work that well in English, as least not in a formal setting like this.