Christmas time
You have to have a strategy to get you through Christmas. We know it is unbelievably hard to wake up Christmas morning to an empty house.
- Not seeing your child at all
- Not seeing your child over Christmas
- Seeing your child for part of Christmas
The hardest one is not seeing your child at all. Firstly hold on to the fact that even if you are not allowed to see your child; when your child is old enough there is a very high chance that your child will come looking for you.
So the most important thing is to keep yourself fit and healthy and have an interesting life, so that when your child finds you it will be an experience you can both enjoy.
Do you have family you can turn to?
Do they realise how hard it is for you to see other children in the family at these gatherings and not your own? This is perfectly normal. Most of us find it very, very hard.
Let them see this and explain that you may need time out during the day.
However, do JOIN your family. They too will be worried about your situation and will be very concerned about you, if you don’t go.
Join them for Christmas Dinner. Plan to go for a walk afterwards with some of them. Plan to watch a film in the evening or to play Charades or Board Games.
Take photographs of your family. This is why you must go, you are building memory blocks that your children can see one day. Have a photo of you by the Christmas tree holding their photos.
Make an album. You can use Flickr or other Internet media to make an album that when your child returns to you, together you can share the past the child has missed.
You can upload these photos on to Facebook saying you all wished your children had been there to share the love too.
Make sure you have a Facebook presence that your children can find. Set it up Christmas Day if you haven’t already. And put that photo of you with their photos up!
No family close enough to visit?
Think about helping charities that need volunteers on Christmas Day
This is the link for Crisis.
This is a link to a site that suggests opportunities for Christmas Day volunteering.
When you volunteer, get somebody to take a photo of you.
Upload it on to a site like Flickr so you can make an album to share with your child/ren when eventually s/he/ they find you.
Upload it on to Facebook. Make sure you say that you were thinking of your children. Make sure your Facebook site is under your name because the children may well look there out of curiousity once they are old enough to surf the Net.
Volunteer for our Helpline!!
If you think you can handle the pain, we’d love to be able to keep our Helpline open over Christmas to help parents who are often feeling very low indeed. Phone our Helpline 08456 004446 ahead of time and volunteer!
Feeling very low?
The Samaritans are there for you. Phone 08457 90 90 90
Plan your day ahead.
If the weather is going to be fine, go for a run. Do some exercise.
Find some DVDs of feel good films and watch them. Do not feel guilty if you laugh. Laughter is good for you.
At the end of the day, upload on Facebook what you have done that was positive and say how much you would have loved to have had the children with you.
Presents
Some of you will be allowed to send presents. But we know that not all contact parents allow the children to even see the presents let alone know that the non-resident parent has sent them a present.
If you are sure your child will get and be allowed to use your present great. Send one.
If you are unsure, then send a small present with a message that you are putting some money into a bank account or a building society for them.
Unfortunately you may not be able to set up an account with all the attendant child benefits for them if you have not all the paperwork needed. This is an issue the charity wants to address but it is for us a low priority.
However do set an account up, even if it is only a savings account within your own bank set up and have the child’s name printed at the bottom of the reporting page.
It’s good to put money in every Christmas and every Birthday and every time there is an event in your life when you would have chosen to do something special with your child. One day the child will be able to see that you never ever stopped loving them.
Seeing your child but not over Christmas?
All the hints for a parent not seeing a child at all can work for you too.
Do keep yourself positive. You are seeing the child. Christmas as a wonderful family occasion is over-rated. It is a time to remember a child was born to bring a message of peace and joy to all mankind. It wasn’t actually set up as a time for us all to gorge ourselves on festive food and to spend more money than we can afford on presents that are often not appreciated.
You as an individual or if you have an extended family can make a special family day when you do see the child. You can call it what you will. But set it up as a tradition so the child knows that the next occasion after Christmas, there will be a special day with you.
Think twice about serving up turkey! Unless you know the other parent doesn’t. There is a limit on how many turkey dinners one can enjoy within a fairly short period of time.
Seeing your child for part of Christmas?
Try and work out whether your child will have been fed and with what. Try not to overload the child’s digestion system and think outside the box. If child had a meal with say mum at lunch time with turkey, make the meal with dad in the evening fairly simple.
Try not to overwhelm the child.
Do not be surprised if the child is irritable and fractious. This happens in normal households on Christmas Day. The build up to Christmas Day is relentless and the expectations are so high. Sleep is often elusive to a young child on Christmas Eve.
So many start Christmas Day overexcited and tired.
Be prepared to have gentle quiet time with them. Maybe playing a board game, maybe reading some well-loved stories. Maybe even allowing them space to play themselves with their toys.
Christmas thoughts
As a family, we always took our children to the Midnight Mass service and somehow miraculously Father Christmas had always managed to leave their stockings while they were asleep.
Christmas is a Christain Festival. The Church does have beautiful services Christmas Day. And everybody is always welcome. Whatever your faith or even if you have none, taking a child to a Christain place of worship on Christmas day is a good experience.
I share with Muslims their joy at Eid and with Hindus their joy at Dewali. It is good to understand other traditions and celebrations.
Do not be afraid to pray. Do not be afraid to believe that all will be well. Hold on, for your children need your love. May you be given the gift of inner strength this Christmas tide.