INFORMATION FOR CLERGY AND SPIRITUAL LEADERS

Clergy and spiritual leaders are often at the forefront of dealing with the immediate aftermath of a death by suicide. Their role allows them to provide guidance and comfort for families, congregations, and communities dealing with the pain and grief due to the death of an individual by suicide. The social, cultural, and religious contextsregarding suicide are complicated by misinformation andmisunderstanding. Consequently, stigma, shame, embarrassment, and unwarrantedguilt add to the already heavy burden on those grieving (Worden, 1991). Planning a religious service or other memorial observance under these circumstancesprovides a number of challenges. It is important to note that people who are exposed to a loved one’s suicide may havea heightened risk of suicide themselves. Therefore, the faith community’s responseto survivors can lessen the likelihood of future suicides. The following recommendations were created to aid clergy and otherspiritual leaders as they care for those who have survived the loss of aloved one due to suicide and to assist them in helping to plan a memorial observance.

Theological Issues

A suicide within their local faith community may provide the first opportunity forsome clergy members to carefully examine their own theological views regardingsuicide. Fortunately,the perspectives held by many faith groups have changed over recent years to reflecttoday’s more complete understanding of the complexities of suicide. Members of theclergy now have an opportunity to bring healing and comfort to survivors by framingtheir informed responses with sensitivity, compassion, grace, and love.

1. Deal with your own feelings. Faith leaders may experience their own grief following asuicide, especially if they had provided direct care, counseling, or support to the deceased prior to the suicide. Consequently, theseleaders must pay attention to their own emotional, psychological, andspiritual needs as they provide community support. Grieving after a suicide can be distinctly different from other grieving experiences (See Appendix on Grief). The grief may be marked by extremely intenseemotional pain which can persist for an extended time. It is important to remember that people grieve at their own pace and intheir own way. Sometimes the difficult life of the deceased has caused such conflict andsuffering for the loved ones that grief is complicated by a sense of relief. It is ok for spiritual leaders to admit their own grief or anger they may be feeling. This allows the survivors a good model to express their feelings. Whatever themix, the emotions are usually intense and complex, and require special sensitivityand understanding from those in supportive roles.

2. Educate the community. Misinformation andinaccurate religious views of suicide create an environment that often leaves survivors isolatedand embarrassed, even though they may have been powerless to prevent the tragicevent (Department of Health and Human Services, 2001). This should be a time for healing, not judging. The individual actcannot be undone. A community will be able to bring healing to its members if it has abetter awareness and more accurate understanding of suicide. A better informedcommunity is also better equipped to recognize and respond to signs that someoneelse they know and love is at risk of taking his or her own life (DHHS, 2001). Encourage anyone who is depressed or having thoughts of harming themselves to seek help, and make resources available (See Appendix on Support Groups and Resources).

3. Recommendations for memorial services. Memorial services are important opportunities for increasing awareness andunderstanding of the issues surrounding suicide and thereby decreasing stigma and prejudice (DHHS, 2001). The ultimate goal of amemorial service is to foster an atmosphere that will help survivors understand, heal,and move forward in as healthy a manner as possible. Be prepared that public communication after a suicide canpotentially increase or decrease the suicide risk of those present (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC] et al., 2001). With the family’s consent, speak of the suicide as a result of a disease called depression or another mental illness and offer resources for help. It is okay to allow some time to lapse between the suicide and the memorial service, this allows for time to process and make appropriate decisions. Try to avoid any memorial service that takes place at a school, especially during school hours. Encourage donations to be made to the bereaved family, a charity of the family’s choice, or to suicide prevention efforts. It may be possible for church groups or others to help with the luncheon or snacks following the memorial service (See

4. Comfort the grieving. A death by suicide often leaves surviving family and friends with deep emotionalpain which may persist for an extended time. Focus primarily on being a supportive presence, sharing empathically in feelings of loss, listening non-judgmentally and allowing for silence. Help survivors find comfort within thecontext of their faith and faith community. Churches can offer a comforting place for people to go in the event of a crisis to congregate and support each other. Do not suggest that suicide is somehow “God’s will” or “fits into God’s plan” or that “God needed him/her more.” Focus on possible risk factors, such as a mental illness or substance abuse problem. The best thing that can be done now is to help educate others. Reinforce that they will survive this loss and to rely on God and others for help. Stress that they are not responsible for the death. Check in with them regularly and enlist the support of other persons, groups, and resources (See Appendix for Support Groups and Resources). Also be an advocate for the family and help with decisions for the visitation, memorial service, and writing of the obituary.

5. Help survivors deal with their guilt. Survivors are often left with a sense of guilt or sense of responsibility for not being aware of what was going on with their lovedone or not acting in time to prevent the suicide (Van Dongen, 1991). Others may feel unfairly victimized by the act of their family member or friend and by thestigma that society may place on them. Consequently, it is common forsurvivors to relive for weeks, months, and even years a continuous litany of “What if?”, “Why did?”, and “Why didn’t?” Rehearsing these questions will not necessarily produce answers that provide understanding and closure that survivors may long for. It may be helpful to offer survivorssolutions that can be found within their faith traditions. After sufficient time, a betterunderstanding of why suicide occurs may provide the beginning of healing for somesurvivors.

6. Help survivors face their anger. Feelings of anger may occupy the minds and hearts of survivors (Barrett & Scott, 1990). These feelings may take several forms:anger at others (doctors, therapists, other family members or friends, bosses, God/deity,etc.), anger at themselves (because of something done or not done), and/or anger atthe deceased (for abandoning the survivor, throwing away all plans for a future, andavoiding responsibilities and obligations). Surviving family and friends should beassured that feeling or expressing their anger is often part of the normal grieving process. Even when their anger is directed toward the deceased, it does not mean they didn’t deeply care for the person.

7. Help with writing obituaries or death notices. Creating the obituary is one of the first big decisions a family needs to make. Whether to include the cause of the death is a personal choice for the family. Clergy may suggest that the suicide be described as “an untimely death” or a death “after a struggle with a mood disorder” or with similar language that omits stating specifically that suicide was the cause. Avoid euphemisms such as “died after a brief illness” or “died as a result of an accident.” Remind the family that the cause and manner of death is determined by the coroner and is a matter of public record. Also, families who choose not to disclose the death as a suicide may isolate themselves from the support of others. Stating outright that the individual died by suicide ends all rumors, allows survivors of other suicides to come forward to help, reduces the stigma of suicide and mental illness, and allows mental health counselors and others to begin postvention activities that will prevent further suicides. Another way to address suicide indirectly is to suggest that the family add a statement at the end of the obituary about contributing to a local suicide and crisis hotline, survivors of suicide support group, or one of the national suicide prevention organizations.

8. Eliminate stigma. Stigmacan be the greatest hindrance to healing if it is notdealt with directly (Jordan, 2001). Take this opportunity to make as much sense aspossible of what could have led to the person’s tragic end. One approach is to discloseselected information about the context of the specific suicide, such as a mental illnessfrom which the deceased may have been suffering. (Do not describe the suicidal actitself.) An alternative approach is to discuss the risk factors commonly associated withsuicidal acts (e.g., psychological pain, hopelessness, mental illness, impulsivity) withoutmentioning the specifics of the person’s death. At a minimum, dispel the commonmyths about moral weakness, character flaws, or bad parenting as causes. Recognition of the role of a brain illness may help community members understandsuicide in the same way that they understand heart disease as anothercommon cause of death.

9. Use appropriate language. Although common English usage includes the phrases “committed suicide”, “successfulsuicide”, and “failed attempt”, these phrases should be avoided because of their connotations. For instance, the verb “committed” is usually associated with sins or crimes. Regardlessof theological perspective, it is more helpful to understand the phenomenon of suicideas the worst possible outcome of mental health or behavioral health problems as theyare manifested in individuals, families, and communities (DHHS, 2001). Along thesame lines, a suicide should never be viewed as a success, nor should a non-fatal suicideattempt be seen as a failure. Such phrases as “died by suicide”, “completed suicide”, “ended his/her life”, or “attempted suicide” are more accurate and less offensive.

10. Prevent imitation and modeling. Some types of communication aboutthe deceased and his or her actions may influence others to imitate or model the suicidalbehavior. Consequently, it is important not to glamorize the state of “peace” the deceased may have found through death. Although some religiousperspectives consider the afterlife to be much better than life in the physical realm,particularly when the quality of physical life is diminished by a severe or unremittingmental illness, this contrast should not be overemphasized in a public gathering. Ifthere are others in the audience who are dealing with psychological pain or suicidalthoughts, the lure of finding peace or escape through death may add to the attractivenessof suicide. Likewise, don’t normalize the suicide by interpreting it as a reasonable response to particularlydistressful life circumstances.

Instead, make a clear distinction, and even separation, between the positivequalities of the deceased and his or her final act. Make theobservation that although the deceased is no longer suffering or in turmoil, we wouldrather she or he had lived in a society that understood those who suffer from mental orbehavioral health problems and supported those who seek help for those problemswithout stigma or prejudice. Envision how the community or society in generalcould function better or provide more resources (such as better access to effectivetreatments) to help other troubled individuals find effective life solutions. The goal ofthis approach is to motivate the community to improve the way it cares for, supports,and understands all its members, even those with the most pressing needs, rather thancontribute to the community’s collective guilt. (Information about resources for treatment and support should be madeavailable to those attending the observance. See Appendix on Resources).

11. Consider the special needs of youth. In a memorial observance for a young person who has died by suicide, service leadersshould address the young people in attendance very directly, as they are most proneto imitate or model the suicide event (Mercy et al., 2001). The death of their peer maymake them feel numb or intensely unsettled. Regardless of how disturbing this suddenloss may be, impart a sense of community to the audience, highlighting the need topull together to get through this. Make specific suggestions that will unite thecommunity around the purpose of caring for one another more effectively. Also, askthe young people to look around and notice adults on whom they can call for help in times of crisis, such as teachers, counselors, youth leaders, and coaches. Note the value of seeking professional help for emotionalproblems in the same way one would seek professional help for physical problems. Focus attention on the hope of a brighter future and the goal of discovering constructivesolutions to life’s problems even when these problems include feelings of depressionor other emotional pain. Encourage the youth to find resources for living their lives to the fullest and to talk with otherswhen they are having difficulties. Additionally, it is critically important that youth watch one another for signs of distress and that they neverkeep thoughts of suicide a secret, whether those thoughts are their own or a friend’s. Stress the importance of telling a caring adult if they even think one of their friendsmay be struggling with these issues.

Schools and faith communities may wish to organize individual classes or smalldiscussion groups with prepared adult leaders in which youth can more comfortablydiscuss their thoughts and feelings regarding their loss and where questions may bemore easily raised and addressed.

12. Consider the needs of the aging and infirm populations. Honor older community members, regardless of their currenthealth, in a way that contributes to their feelings of worth anddiminishes their sense of being a burden. Suicide among people who are elderly, disabled, or terminally ill involves an additionalset of unique and complex issues. In most cases, these suicides occur in the context ofhopelessness, depression, or both, and are undoubtedly influenced by societal attitudesaround these issues (Szanto, 2003). The faith community can help in its understanding and supportof these populations.

13. Consider appropriate public memorials. There have been several cases where dedicating public memorials after a suicide hasfacilitated the suicidal acts of others, usually youth (CDC, 1988). Consequently,dedicating memorials in public settings, such as park benches, flag poles, trophycases, yearbooks, or dances, etc. after the suicide is discouraged. In some situations, however, survivorsfeel a pressing need for the community to express its grief in a tangible way. Opendiscussion with proponents about the inherent risks of memorials for youth shouldhelp the community find a fitting, yet safe, outlet. These outlets may include personalexpressions that can be given to the family to keep privately such as letters, poetry,recollections captured on videotape, or works of art. (It is best to keep such expressionsprivate; while artistic expression is often therapeutic for those experiencing grief, publicperformances of poems, plays, or songs may contain messages or create a climate that glorifies the method o death andinadvertently increases thoughts of suicide among vulnerable youth.) Alternatively, suggest that surviving friends honor the deceased by living their lives withcommunity values, such as compassion, generosity, service, honor, and improvingquality of life for all community members. Activity-focused memorials might include organizing a day of community service, sponsoring mental health awareness programs,supporting peer counseling programs, or fund-raising for some of the many worthwhile suicide prevention nonprofit organizations. Purchasing library books that address relatedtopics, such as how young people can cope with loss or how to deal with depression and other emotional problems, is another life-affirming way to remember the deceased (See Appendix on How to Organize Postvention Activities).

These suggestions were compiled from a variety of sources including:

After a Suicide. SuicidePreventionResourceCenter (SPRC).

Postvention: Community Response to Suicide. National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). Concord, New Hampshire.

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Community-Based Suicide Postvention Guidelines for Wisconsin