The Wailings of A

The Wailings of a Teenage Hypochondriac

The Wailings of a

Teenage Hypochondriac

(A thirty minute play by Tara Patwardhan)

SYNOPSIS:

Our lead character’s at the age where the world doesn’t really make sense. She’s plagued by various health related

disasters; her best friend’s moving across the world and her father is (pardon my French) a bit of a freak. Oh, the shame of it all!

The play is set in a house in suburban Victoria. All the action takes place within this house. This play is about generation gaps, misunderstandings, holding grudges and finally forgiveness. It deals with the complexities of teenagers, who quite frankly, have too much on their plates. This is quite an absurd play, but weren’t we all absurd at that age?

CHARACTER SKETCH:

JENNY BROADFOOT: Scrawny, gawky, bad hair, in her early

teens. Dressed in a baggy tee shirt,

shorts, and knee high socks with polka

dots. Jenny is precocious, intelligent,

spoilt, manipulative and overtly dramatic.

SAM BROADFOOT: Jenny’s single father in his mid forties.

(Stress on the generation gap). Jenny

has him spun around her little finger. Pot

bellied, but skinny everywhere else.

Balding slightly. Dressed in matching

tracksuit- top and bottom.

ELI:A figment of Jenny’s overactive

imagination. The only person who keeps

her in check. Blond, floppy haired,

younger than our heroine.

ROB, THE MAILMAN:Hunky young man, in his early twenties.

Delivers mail to the Broadfoot’s

neighbourhood. Jenny believes she’s in

love with the fellow.

TIME:

The present, morning.

SET UP:

The stage is divided into 2 parts. Stage right

is Jenny’s bedroom. Small, simple, minimal

decorations. There’s a bed, a potted plant on

the window sill and an inflatable chair in the

corner. You can see some stuffed toys hidden

under the bed. Stage left is the living room

and kitchen. There’s a coffee table, music

system, couch & kitchen sink in view. It’s

rather beige in colour. This side of the stage

has the main entrance to the house too.

PLAY OPENS:

The curtains go up… (Hopefully my nerves aren’t doing their usual crazy dance)

The left side of the stage lights up dimly, to

reveal JENNY BROADFOOT mid slumber. ELI, sits

on the inflatable chair. Eli walks over toherher bed, bends to her ear and begins reciting

a poem by Shel Silverstein, entitled ‘Sick.’

“I cannot go to school today,

Said little Peggy Ann McKay.

I have the measles and the mumps,

A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,

I’m going blind in my right eye.

My tonsils are as big as rocks,

I’ve counted 16 chicken pox.

And there’s one more… That’s 17!

And don’t you think my face looks green?

My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,

It might be instamatic flue.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,

I’m sure that my left leg is broke.

My hip hurts when I move my chin,

My belly button’s caving in

My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,

My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.

My nose is cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my spine is weak

I hardly whisper when I speak.

My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight.

My temperature is one-o-eight.

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There is a hole inside my ear.

I have a hang-nail and my heart is…

….WHAT??!??!

What’s that? What’s that you say?

You say today is… Saturday?

G’bye, I’m going out to play!”

Jenny swats Eli with her pillow. Grinning, he

retreats to the inflatable chair where once

again he perches himself. Then the right side

of stage lights up to reveal the living room.

SAM BROADFOOT flicks the music system on with

the remote control. “I will survive” by Diana

Ross begins to play. Using the same remote as

a mike he lip syncs and dances along

animatedly. Jenny jumps upright, scowling.

JENNY: (Screaming) DAD!!!!

SAM:(Ignores her and continues his daily ritual)

JENNY:(Bickering to herself, grabs pillow and covers

ears as tightly as possible, flops back into

the sheets)

We see Jenny punching the bed angrily as Sam

continues his morning exercise regime. Then

finally, when the song ends, he turns off the

system, walks to Jenny’s bedroom door andknocks.

SAM:(Smiling cheerily) Are you up, love?

JENNY: (Scowling) The whole neighbourhood’s up with

that racket. God, you’re embarrassing.

SAM:(Opening the door, coming in) Oh don’t be so

morose. Oprah says it’s excellent to start the

day with an inspiring song and dance.

JENNY:Oprah’s overrated.

SAM:(In mock outrage) How can you say such a

thing? (Begins drawing the curtains)

JENNY:(Covering her eyes and screaming) NOO!

Are you trying to kill me? You know it

takes a while for my pupils to adjust to the

light!

SAM:(Drawing curtains back to the original closed

position)

Jenny, a little sunlight never hurt anyone.

JENNY:I’m not just anybody. I have a very delicate

disposition.

SAM:Time for school, my dear. I’ve ironed your

uniform.

JENNY:(Groaning) Oh Dad, I’m terribly ill! Had a

lump in my throat last night and it’s only

gotten bigger!

SAM:(Bemused) For someone with a lump in their

throat, you do talk an awful lot.

JENNY:(Theatrically) Oh, you never believe me! I’m

Tormented by disease and yet you mock me!

SAM: I’m not mocking you, love. But we do go

through this ritual at least once a week.

JENNY:(Looking at her hands, suddenly gasps)

OH SWEET JESUS! Do you see my hands turning

purple! OH NO! What’s wrong with me?

SAM:(Sighing, going to her bed, holding her hands

as he sits down) Your hands are absolutely

fine. It’s all in your head. All the doctors

have confirmed it, remember?

JENNY:Hmph! What do they know?

SAM:Come along now, sweet heart. I have an

important meeting soon. No time for drama today.

JENNY:(Stomping fists on the bed)

DRAMA?!?! You think this is drama? Don’t you

know me at all?

SAM: You act as if you’re on stage. Come on, get

dressed quick or you’ll miss the bus.

JENNY:I choose to ignore your first statement. And

I told you, not going to school! The bus

driver hates me.

SAM:What on earth makes you say that?

JENNY:I told him to clip his ear hair last week.

SAM:(Distracted) Jenny, you can’t go around

telling people to clip their nose hair.

JENNY:It was ear hair and why not? There should be

laws against ear hair.

SAM:(Pulling off her covers)

Right. Hurry up now. Tess will be waiting for

you.

JENNY:(Turning her head away, nose in the air)

Tess is dead to me.

SAM:Tsk tsk. What a thing to say about your best

friend? And such a lovely girl, that too. What

am I to do with you?

JENNY:Make HER your daughter then! After all I’ve

done for you! Taking her side!

(Raises her “purple” hands to her face, like

a 1920’s actress)

SAM:(Going to the foot of the bed)

Yes, yes, enough of that nonsense. You’re

going to school whether you like it or not.

I’ve had enough of this!

(He reaches to pull her out of bed)

JENNY:(On realizing this, she grabs onto the head-

board for dear life. A tug of war type battle

ensues, somewhat like in the Old days, when

mothers tried to increase the height of their

vertically challenged daughters)

NOOOOOOOOOO! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

SAM:(Continues yanking on her legs)

You obstinate child!

JENNY:(Wails)

LET GO!!!

SAM:(Finally letting go and reclining into the

inflatable chair from exhaustion, his pot

belly heaving)

Fine, I give up.

JENNY:(Agitated)

Don’t sit there!

SAM:Now what?

JENNY:(Fidgeting uncomfortably)

Uhh, nothing. Never mind.

SAM:Jenny, this is the last time I let you bully

me. Is that clear?

JENNY:Yes, yes. Can you make me something to eat?

SAM:(Glancing at his watch)

Hmmm… Perhaps I can whip up a quick batch of

banana bread.

JENNY:Dad! I’m allergic to bananas!

SAM:I distinctly remember you eating a banana

split just two weeks ago.

JENNY:That’s different. Cold bananas don’t count.

SAM:Fine. Blueberry pancakes then.

JENNY:They’re not as good without maple and maple

might clog up my throat.

SAM:Hot cross buns?

JENNY: With chocolate chips?

SAM:Yes, with chocolate chips (Sighing, he leaves

the room)

JENNY:(Yelling) AND SHUT THE DOOR!

SAM:(Returning, salutes her and leaves stage

right. Stage left can be dark again)

Eli has been in the scene this whole time, but

the lighting over him was minimal, so as not

to draw attention. Now he speaks again.

ELI:Your dad nearly sat on me. You need to manage

him better.

JENNY:Yeah, he gets out of control sometimes.

JENNY:(Gets out of bed, walks over to the mirror and scrutinizes her face)

Oh, dad’s such a liar! I’m practically as

purple as that girl from Wonka’s factory!

Oh Lord! Another pimple! It’s throbbing!

It’s ALIVE!!! GACCCKKK!!!

(Backing away from the mirror, as if shot;

collapsing into bed… Looking to Eli for some

reaction. Doesn’t get any. So she resorts to

asking him a question)

Do I look purple to you?

ELI:You mean more than usual?

JENNY:Funny.

ELI:As a matter of fact, you do. Then again

Hermione Granger was more purple the day she

got her acceptance letter.

JENNY:(Smiles to herself, clearly pleased for the

first time since day break. She stands up,

crossing the mirror. Stops. The smile turns to

a frown)

My hair’s like a bird’s nest!

(Tries to flatten it, helplessly)

ELI:I’ll get you some anti-frizz the next time I’m

around. They say it works wonders.

JENNY:(Going to him and messing up his hair)

What would I do without you, E? You’re the

only one who understands me these days.

ELI:I take Tess’s still in the dog house.

JENNY:‘Course she is! She leaves in two months!

Can you believe that- TWO FREAKING MONTHS!

13 years we’ve been mates. How can she

just take off?

ELI:Well it’s not her fault, is it? Not like she

had a choice. Don’t you think you should make

the most of your time together?

JENNY:I take back “you understanding me.” It’s

obvious I was mistaken.

ELI:Of course I understand you, Jen. Just being

practical here.

JENNY:Are you Wikipedia or something? Telling me to

be practical. Jeez!

(She goes to the mirror and slap on what seems

to be pimple cream onto her blemishes)

So practical, you say… Hmmm… Guess I could

join the gymnastics club… Nah… My skin’s too

soft for gymnastics… Maybe the drama club?

Nah… Don’t see myself as theatrical. Plus,

think of the strain on my vocal chords.

ELI:Umm… I was actually talking about things you

and Tess could do together. You know… before

she goes…

JENNY:Really, Eli. Sometimes your suggestions are

absurd.

NOTE: During this time Sam, having changed

into a shirt, pants & a ‘kiss the cook’

apron) is making buns in the kitchen. The

lighting is very subtle over him, so as not

to diminish the focus on Jenny & Eli. Now Sam

carrying a plate with buns and a mug crosses

the living room and knocks on Jenny’s door.

At this Eli shuts up and sits still.

SAM:(Opening the door) Piping hot buns!

JENNY: Oh thanks. Just one for me. The skin’s crying

for help.

SAM:(Clearly disappointed after all his hard work)

Jenny, if you’d only eat your veggies, none of

these so called ailments would torment you.

JENNY:(Pompously) I practice the most healthy

habits, daddykins.

SAM:Sugary canned fruit and strawberry milk are

not classified as healthy.

JENNY:Umm, Amanda Pearson would quite matter of

factly disagree with you.

SAM:Amanda Pearson is 16 years old. She has no

life experience.

JENNY:Oh, I beg to differ. That Amanda Pearson’s

been around.

SAM:(Confused and a tad embarrassed) Very well

then. Drink this. (Handing her a mug)

JENNY:(Looking at the mug suspiciously)

What is this?

SAM:Chamomile tea, love. Good for you.

JENNY:I don’t believe in tea, dad. How can you

caffeinate me at such an early age? And it

smells foul too (Sniffing the mug and making

a face)

SAM:Jennifer Stacey Broadfoot! Sometimes you have

to do things even if you don’t like them!

JENNY:Whatever (Rolls eyes) There’s always a way

out.

SAM:There’s tuna and lettuce in the fridge. Make a

salad for lunch. I’ll bring home some soup

from Chens in the evening.

JENNY:Oohh, fried noodles! Make sure there’s extra!

SAM:I suppose those wouldn’t hurt your throat,

would they?

JENNY:‘Course not, dad. They’re dunked in the soup!

(Shaking her head as if her father’s the

biggest git alive)

SAM:Righty oh, I’m off (Shuts the door and leaves)

Eli, back in action, the second Papa Broadfoot

exits.

ELI:Where’s my bun?

JENNY:Here, you can have mine.

Sam, coming in again with his jacket and

briefcase. Eli, silent again.

SAM:(Intrigued)

Who were you talking to?

JENNY:No one. Told you Diana Ross would affect

you sooner rather than later. (Smugly)

SAM:(Looks through Eliin the chair suspiciously,

turns to leave)

Oh and if you could just water the

orchids around 12. Just a little.

JENNY:Dad, you know how I feel faint in the sun.

SAM:(Exasperated, reached his limit, about time

I think) Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny!Can’t you do

one thing without complaining?!?!

JENNY:Jeez. No need to lose it. Calm down, I’ll

water them!

SAM:(Exhales and leaves through living room

Maybe, Sam should take up smoking. They say

it relieves stress. Don’t scoff, I was joking)

And of course Eli pipes in the second Paunchy

Papa leaves.

ELI:Phew, close one.

JENNY:Yeah. Dad would never understand the likes of

you. Wanna hear my revenge plot against Tess?

ELI:Don’t tell me. You’re going to hold her

hostage.

JENNY:No. But great idea. Definitely plan on coming

back to that one.

ELI:Ha ha!

JENNY:Yeah, so you hear about this happening quite a

lot in the States. Ironic, as that’s where

she’s heading. But… I was thinking… I’d like

to sue her.

ELI:What? This isn’t Ally Mcbeal you know. This is

Bentleigh East.

JENNY:So? Rudd’s in charge now. We’re going places.

ELI:Sue her for what, may I ask?

JENNY:For emotional upheaval. For turbulence

directed at my heart and soul. For neglect.

For total and utter abandonment. For providing

me with an exceptional friendship and then

taking it away at the drop of a hat. For the

disrespect at not giving me an option.

ELI:Hmm… Don’t you sue parents or lovers though?

I’ve never heard of people suing their best

friends.

JENNY:That’s exactly it! Why is friendship regarded

as some second rate commodity? When it’s one

of the most important factors in shaping an

individual.

ELI:But honestly, Jen. Her mum’s the one getting

transferred. She couldn’t exactly stay behind,

could she?

JENNY:And why the hell not? (Standing up, pacing up

and down the room) She could move in with her

gran.

ELI:The woman’s senile.

JENNY:No she isn’t.

ELI: She talks to the couch!

JENNY:(Throwing Eli a pointed look)

As if that’s such a bad thing.

ELI:So you take her to court. Then what?

JENNY:Who knows? I could get a really understanding

judge, who might sentence Tess to house arrest

Ha! Imagine that! She’d have to wear one of those security bracelet things… Tied to her foot. If she left the country, alarms would go off!The dogs would come. The police too!

ELI:Why stop there? Why not stuff her mouth with a

sock and stick her in the attic, all tied up.

JENNY:You make me sound crazy. I’m far from crazy.

ELI:I think you’re being too hard on her. It’s

obviously just as painful for Tess too. She

wasn’t given a choice either. She has to start

over and her best friend’s begun the silent

treatment. If you look back on this… Is this

the way you wanna remember your last two

months? If I were you I’d go all out… I’d do

everything I wanted to do… Carnivals, beach

trips, boy-girl dances…

JENNY:But the insects…

ELI:Stop it. I know, I know…