STEP 9 “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Ttaken from the CoDA Book, Step 9 pamphlet & Workbook for Focus Group 5th Aug 2006 (Approx time 9 mins)
WHY MAKE AMENDS?
For many of us in CoDA, our most comfortable role had been that of victim. We had waited years for someone, anyone, to make amends to us. Step Nine brought us to our moment of truth. It asked us to take that particular action ourselves… this was truly the time to seek spiritual guidance.
In the past we may have minimised our effect on others. Now we no longer believe that what we do is insignificant. In Step Eight, we were truthful with ourselves about our past behaviour and made our list. Having done this honestly, we found that we were released from some of our shame. This work prepares us to be more honest as we begin to make our amends in order to complete ourpart in the healing of all our relationships.
Amends are our pure truth without blame, distraction, justification or manipulation; we are taking responsibility for our experience. We understand that making amends also means we are truly committed to changing with the help of our Higher Power.
-What are amends?
-How can I prepare for my amends work?
-What do I believe is the purpose of making amends?
FORGIVENESS
Working on forgiveness before making amends is very important. As we let go of the past, accept the truth about it and learn about our freedom of choice in recovery today, we begin to feel a new inner peace. This opens the door to restoring relationships with ourselves and others. Without forgiveness, we harbor resentments and our amends may not be genuine. This is not a time to “act as if”.
We need to let go of the other person’s part and be responsible for our part only. Making amends in this way gives us the experience of freedom from the burden of shame, guilt and over responsibility.
Being free of resentment is an amends in and of itself.
-How can I forgive others prior to making amends?
-Is complete forgiveness necessary?
-How can I forgive myself?
Continued over…
HOW CAN WE MAKE AMENDS?
When we approach each of our amends, we remember God is working through us, and we ask for our Higher Power’s presence and guidance.
What most of us wanted in the way of amends from another was to have that person acknowledge his or her part in harming us. We also wanted our feelings and our perception of the incident acknowledged. And if we were to continue in a relationship with this person, we wanted them to behave differently towards us.
And so we arrived at a method of making amends - to acknowledge our harmful behaviour and the other person’s feelings in the matter and to follow that with a change in our own behaviour.
We use simple, direct and specific communications. We approach God, ourselves and others with compassion and understanding, maintaining our humility, spirituality and boundaries to the best of our ability.
Amends are not about getting things off our chest at the expense of others. They are not simply about clearing the air. Rather, they are spiritual exercises in humility whereby we are watchful of our attitudes and actions. Healthy behaviour can be our most powerful amends; it is a testament to our recovery. This can be the greatest gift of Step Nine.
-What is my motive for my amends?
-How do I decide whether my amends would injure others or myself?
-How can I make amends for the harm I have done to myself?
SELF-CARE, RESPECT & COMPASSION
We make amends only for the healing of our codependence, not to manipulate others in any way. It is not a time to argue, debate, criticize, or judge others.
In this Step we are instructed to make direct amends wherever possible; sometimes this may be to people with whom we do not necessarily feel safe. At these times it may be inadvisable to make direct amends.
We also need to recognize that there are some doors that are better left closed. Though we may be willing, some people and their families would be further injured in our amends making process. Asking our Higher Power for discernment and discussing each situation with our sponsor and recovery friends usually leads to appropriate decisions.
In cases where we can make amends to the person directly there are ways to care for ourselves. We can call a trusted person before and after, create a time boundary, ask for no feedback, and prepare ourselves beforehand to let go of results. Our Higher Power is with us and we can remember that we are capable of taking care of ourselves.
-How do I take care of myself when making amends?
-What tools or Steps do I use to keep it simple, safe and clear?
LIVING AMENDS
Some people to whom we owe amends may not be living or can’t be found. Sometimes someone may refuse to hear an amends that we would like to make. When there is no possibility of making direct amends, being of service to others is our amends. In giving, we receive and gain peace in a spirit once filled with remorse and pain.
Examples of Living Amends
-Writing letters and reading them to our Higher Power and our sponsor.
-Bringing good into today in ways we either could not or did not in the past.
-Saying “no” in order to take care of ourselves.
-Expressing differing opinions letting go of our fears of what others may think.
-Letting go of our belief that everyone needs to be and feel the same.
-Allowing others the dignity to live their lives in their own way.
-Living our lives differently because we are in recovery.
LETTING GO OF RESULTS
If our motives for our amends and changes are based on expectations that others will now like, forgive, accept or become available to us, we are likely to be deeply disappointed.
Some of us expect personal accountability first from those who have harmed us. We believe our pain will be relieved if other people make amends too. We risk failure if we approach this Step with expectations of how our amends will turn out.
As we outline our inappropriate behaviours and amends, other people may react angrily. They may be hurt or understanding. Our job is to listen and acknowledge their feelings.
Some people may see our codependent behaviours as normal and want to discount them and our amends. Accepting that this is their view, we can reaffirm our wrongs and amends to help keep our boundaries and recovery perspective in order. We remember we are cleaning up our part in each relationship, no matter how others may see it.
-Do we need to ask permission of the other person before making any direct amends?
-How can I let go of expectations when making amends?
-Why is it important that I let go of expectations?
-Do we have to be understood?
-When is an amend complete? When have I done enough?
WHY WE MADE AMENDS
With the help of God and the CoDA fellowship we complete our Ninth Step and free ourselves of the laborious burden of our codependence. Our relationships with God and ourselves stand on new firm ground, even more spiritually empowered and free. In time, many of our relationships with others heal. True acceptance and forgiveness become sound precepts in our approach to life.
END OF READING
NOTES
STEP NINE PRAYER
In this moment, I trust my Higher Power to guide me in making sincere and honest amends. In this moment I experience my gratitude for Co-Dependents Anonymous and the Twelve Steps of recovery knowing that as I am willing to live thisprogram,
share the fellowship, and walk with God, I am free.
AFFIRMATIONS
Self-forgiveness
“I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behaviour with ………, and I am now free to let the past go”
Forgiveness of Others
“I have dealt with my feelings towards…….., and I have forgiven him/her.I have let go of my feelings towards him/her and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship.”