OUR Project
Feb 14, 2009 Saw video at H&V Meeting. Powerful, uncomfortable to watch, but I do think I could watch it with my older children and talk about it with my younger children. We already do the “stranger danger” talks, but I realize I have not talked about the danger from “people you know.” And people that they probably (especially my deaf daughter) think they should trust.
March 8, 2009OUR Project teleconference call I have a better idea what the incidence and scope is of this issue. Did not realize that kids with disabilities were at such a higher risk, particularly kids who have communication disorders of any sort. Am thinking about how this meshes with the Theory of Mind information, and my general sense that our deaf/hh kids tend to be socially naive, gullible, not always able to glean information from the context... clearly they are more at risk. How do we reach parents in the birth to three years?
March 31 Reading Childhelp.org site. I am not finding good prevention material but lots of information for those affected by abuse/neglect. Scary to see/read the articles on the site about deaf/hh children in particular.
April 7 More time on childhelp.org site.
April 8 2009 two hours
OUR Project discussion with CO GBYS: Discussing when/how to initiate this conversation. I could easily see doing this during a workshop or presentation. One on one contact with parents seems more difficult. We already touch on stress in parenting deaf/hh kids due to the problems with communication, the lack of support from the usual sources (what does my MIL know about raising a deaf child?) and stress on a marriage… so it should flow from there. I remember our CHIP facilitator sharing about how deaf/hh children tended to be more naïve, could be taken advantage of by neighborhood kids. Can’t hear the rules or when the playground rules change suddenly. I have always kept that in the back of my mind and wanted to make sure my daughter knew the usual slang or habits of her peer group as an extra protection. I had a home visit with a new parent just prior to our call. This mom had a late id child who was three - I could easily see how someone might be so stressed out in dealing with her (low language, strong willed) that she would be at higher risk of abuse. I did mention the wonderful change that more language (they were interested in sign, too) would bring with time... how we had been kicked out of a store because our own daughter was loud and we couldn't get across to her about "quiet" (she was even a "happy" loud) and the variety of times that we couldn't get a message across to each other - haircuts or blood draws or making earmolds all come to mind. The mom seemed so relieved to have another parent understand that she wasn't just an inneffective parent - and that I knew how to communicate with her daughter.
Lots of frustrating time ahead of the call trying to get on Ivisit!
April 14, 2009 Just learned that Marlee Matlin was abused by a babysitter, then a boyfriend she lived with. Got into drugs as a way to cope. She was asked – does this happen more often to kids with special needs? She said she didn’t know. Now we know it does.
April 15th Staff meeting CO: Difficult meeting. Two staff people with stories from their own life - one for a child and one for a sister. This brings it all home - and scarier yet is that I don't see anything in their stories that gives me an idea about how this might be prevented. Kids do go to childcare; they do have neighbors that they spend time with. But bringing the issue to the forefront would at least bring the referral sources out so that no child ever again has to live alone with this - to pop up in future relationships and marriages, to haunt them and keep them from trusting. I belong to a marriage website - and the abuse issues that go unshared and undisclosed rain so much chaos and pain in marriages.
I didn't know what to say to my two friends... but Janet and I listened. What should we have done differently?
May 1 2009 Shared some basic information on incidence with children who have disabilities with Deaf/HH professionals and a few parents during workshops in Cincinnati. Great interest. Folks shared about the need to talk directly and bluntly with children about boundaries, expected behavior, making the unspoken rules more clear. Kids in one person's experience didn't have a sense when it was okay to touch and where, when it was okay to date and who/what age. Again the group brought up the need to teach children vocabulary to express feelings/opinions/worries much earlier and more directly, both in terms of protection from abuse/neglect as well as the development of better social skills.
I go back to the need to get parents and professionals the incidence information - they are the ones who might be able to prevent this.
May 6 2009Phone call with CO team: Harold says to use Q & A feature on wiki site for questions. It was helpful to repeat that the purpose of the project is not to solve the problem, but to highlight it - to teach ourselves about when, why and where this information can be shared (the what and how can come later!) Janet shared that she is bolding questions in her journal.
May 6 2009 National call (one hour) Great opportunity to have childhelp.org director to have a session at Lake Tahoe. All ties in with Harold's time there and the Sex Talk presentation.
May 26, 2009 Met with Susan Elliott, a deaf ed teacher in CO to work on our "Talking to your Child about Sex" presentation. She shared so many stories about suspected and actual abuse, including her own. If parents knew that it took so little to keep their kids safe - keeping an open dialogue, paying attention, knowing the people who interact with their kids... we are afraid of the strangers who lurk in the darkness, but in reality the most dangerous people are the ones we know.
June 22, 2009 Came home from Lake Tahoe with more stories. A mom in another state related the sexual abuse story of her own two teens - one deaf, the other hearing. It was a neighbor child. I am going to share some of her words here about the whole process of teaching her deaf daughter about sex and privacy and what's appropriate:
One thing that grabbed my attention early on was reading "In This Sign" by Joanne Greenberg. The young deaf couple in this book have no idea they are going to have a baby until it happens. I promised myself then and there that my child would have access to information, and since she'd have less chance to get from others, I would need to make sure she got it. Mostly I took advantage of normal life events. We had two boys come along after she did, so there was the chance both times to talk about the baby growing inside Mom's uterus. Yes, I learned the correct signs!!
I decided early on that I would answer questions honestly and not pass up an opportunity to pass on information. When she was about five she found my birth control pills and wanted to know what they were. I could have passed them off as "Mom's medicine" or "vitamins" but instead I explained that Dad and I wanted to wait a while before having another baby...
She was older when her youngest sib was born, and she campaigned for being allowed to go to the hospital and watch the birth. My husband borrowed some childbirth education films from the nurse who taught the classes, and we let her watch them. Curiosity satisfied!
Another discovery I inadvertently made was that though ASL signs can be graphic when it comes to sex, and that using euphemisms can interfere with communication. The kids were getting a "good touch, bad touch" unit at school when she came to me with a problem about the boys on the bus. We went back and forth with me trying to understand what she was talking about--the boys are telling secrets on the bus? She then resorted tovery graphic mime/ASLthat made it clear exactly what was happening. She was trying to say "show their private places." I reported it to the bus monitor as "unzipping their pants to show off their equipment," thus resorting to another euphemism. Aren't we English users funny about sex?
We fell down in one respect--there was a very nice family next door with some deep-hidden problems.Both my oldest children suffered from some sexual abuse at the hands of older kids in that family, and we didn't find out until several years later. At least we did find out, and my child actually opened up tous long before her sibling did. Both seem to have done a pretty good job of dealing with it, though it's taken years.
I draw from this story how important it is to keep the discussion going, and it only added to my growing sense of urgency to speak about the danger of "people we know". Susan Elliott talked about how important it was to keep our deaf/hh children within "eyeshot".
August 19, 2009 Where did July and August go? A good friend of mine has a story. Her daughter's friend is MIA - hasn't shown up at school, and this young girl whom they have seen 3-5 times a week for over 5 years has dropped off the radar. School started two days ago. Her boyfriend hasn't heard from her. She's a sophomore. Her parents would never let anyone come to their house, but she regularly went to my friends' house. I have met her there often. I encouraged my friend to keep asking questions. If it is all nothing, no damage will be done. If she's in trouble, we are losing precious time in trying to be polite and not act like crazy women. I encouraged her to call Childhelp for advice and DHS and the police... just to get a ball rolling in figuring out where K is.
Aug 28, 2009 Still no news about Kate. Childhelp didn't have information about our community. Weird because I called a "back number" and have a list of d/hh resources coming to me. The police did a drive by; no concerns reported. The school counselor reported that K is disenrolled, but couldn't say where she was attending school. There are messages read on her "Myspace" but no one is responding. I encouraged my friend to keep pursuing this. She's going to go through the phonebook to see if there are any other surnames listed, and call DHS again.
This isn't about a deaf/hh child, but it's all the same issues - we don't want to look overinvolved, we don't want to cause the child a problem (if there isn't already a huge problem, we don't want to think the worst. But sometimes the worst is already happening, and we have to take action to find out.
I finally called and asked another mom of a two year old to talk to me about this topic. We are working on a date. I will share the presentation with her and get her feedback about how this might be shared with other parents. The more I think about it, the more I think the power of story might be the best avenue - stories in our newspaper are a safe way to reach many parents at once, and might open up more conversations when we are at events.
I finally read the article about talking to our kids, and I plan to discuss this with my own daughter on a long car ride this week. I don't want her to be afraid of people but I want her to know that not all adults can be trusted, and to listen to her own instincts. She was great about telling me I couldn't help her in the bath with a new treatment for her skin condition, so I happily was not hurt but praised her for speaking up on her own behalf and comfort level. You go girl!
August 31, 2009
From Childhelp about resources in Colorado Springs:
Hi Sara,
Here are the resources we currently have in our Hotline database for Colorado
Springs.
Sandy Wallace
Hotline Administrative Assistant
From: Schmidt, Susan
Sent: Wed 8/26/2009 2:01 PM
To: Wallace, Sandy
Cc:
Subject: hearing impaired resources
Sandy; can you send a listing of all referral resources we might use in
Colorado Springs for the hotline to Sara --- she will review and add
any additional resources targeted at the deaf and hard of hearing
population and send back to us.....
Susan Schmidt, MC, NCC
Director, National Child Abuse Hotline
15757 North 78th Street, Scottsdale, Arizona, 85260
Website:
Phone: 480-922-8212
Fax: 480-922-7061
E-Mail:
Catholic Charities of Colorado Springs
Fax: (719) 636-1216
Provides compassionate, competent, & professional services that
strengthen & support individuals, families, & communities.
Business: (719) 636-2345
228 N. Cascade Ave.
Colorado Springs, Colorado80903
Center on Fathering
Business: (719) 634-7797
325 N. El Paso Street
Colorado Springs, Colorado80903
CPS-ElPasoCounty (Human Services)
Fax: 719-444-5598
Business: 719-636-0000
105 N. Spruce
Colorado Springs, Colorado80901
El PasoCountyChild Support Enforcement
Fax: (719) 457-6340
Hours: M,T,Th,F 8-5; W 8-7; Sat 9-1
Business: (719) 457-6331
outside Colorado Springs: (866) 270-2606
30 E. Pikes Peak Ave., #203
Colorado Springs, Colorado80903
Focus on the Family
Toll free: 800-232-6459
Fax: 719-531-3424
Mission is to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in sharing the Gospel of
Jesus Christ with as many people as possible by nurturing and defending
the God-...
Business: 719-531-5181
8605 Explorer Drive
Colorado Springs, Colorado80920
Pikes Peak Family Connections, Inc.
Offers parent education classes, therapy, & support groups
Business: (719) 520-1019
2220 E. Bijou, #2E
Colorado Springs, Colorado80909
Pikes Peak United Way 2-1-1
Fax: 719-632-8139
Hotline: 211
Business: 719-632-1543
hotline: 719-955-0742
518 N. Nevada Ave.
Colorado Springs, Colorado80903
Psychotherapy Associates
Outpatient services, specializing in trauma and addictions.
Business: (719) 597-5959
3208 N. Academy Blvde. S. 160
Colorado Springs, Colorado80917
Suicide Prevention Partnership - Pikes Peak Region
Fax: (719) 572-0763
sppppr.org
Hotline: (719) 596-5433
Business: (719) 576-7447
2860 S. Circle Drive, #102
Colorado Springs, Colorado80906
TESSA (Trust, Education, Safety, Support, Action)
Fax: (719) 632-2342
Hours: M-F 7:30-4:30
Hotline: (719) 633-3819 (24/7)
Business: (719) 633-1462
320 S. El Paso Street
Colorado Springs, Colorado80903
ToughLove
Provides parents the knowledge, skills and support to help them guide
their kids
Business: (719) 598-1735
Cross Lutheran Church 4125 Constitution Ave.
Colorado Springs, Colorado80909
August 31, 2009 OUR CO Project call: trouble with IVISIT again - I was almost there!
Plans: read all logs, post my own (changing information.) Think about helpfulness of video Do? Tell! and go through resources list from childhelp to see who might be amenable to adding deaf/hh resources. Add Kidpower.org to resource list for Colorado. It is a great organization that teaches kids and adults proactively about violence prevention and behaviors that are okay or not okay and what kids can do about them - not just physical but emotional and sexual abuse as well. They have educational programs for young kids as well as teens, adults, and kids with special needs. I have been to a program and I have referred several parents when I was at HCP with great results.
Sept 1: Set an appointment with Kidpower to meet/share the presentation. Sept 15th at 10 am at the Kidpower office downtown. Wanted to chat with the national group, but was directed to the Colorado Springs office. Had a call from a mom interested in the DeafSchool as a possible placement, but she had heard that "kids lose their virginity within two weeks of living in a residential dorm." I told her about the project, and encouraged her to ask questions of the school staff about how they ensure safety in the dorms and after school. I don't think they are seriously considering this. I will share the comment at our next parent involvement meeting at the school (I am an off campus member.)
Sept 5: Shared some information with my daughter Maddie. Once I finished pacing around and being nervous, we did okay. She had heard the story of Jaycee Dugard so that was our jumping off point. She seemed to understand that there are people in the world who were just "pretty evil" but those people were more rare than the rest of us, who make mistakes but try to do the right thing by our kids. She understands better why I want to meet the parents of other kids who host birthday parties, etc, and why I don't let her older sister and brother just do anything they want. I was relieved to hear that she's never had anything happen to her that was abusive by others, though it does sound like she had her radar up a few times. I encouraged her to trust her instincts and run/get away/tell me if she ever had a bad feeling about a person or a situation. I would back her up.