Envy: Is It Hurting Or (Surprise) Helping You

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Envy: Is it Hurting or (surprise) Helping You?

By:Julie Taylor

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Envy: Is it Hurting or (surprise) Helping You?

That do-in-your-best-friend jealousy coda do you a world of good. Here's how your green eyed monster can deliver the swift kick in the butt you need to go for the gold yourself.

Sometimes I'm so envious of my friends, I hate them," confesses Kimberly Shue(*), 27, an accountant from Portland, Oregon. "I was at dinner a month ago, celebrating a friend's engagement, and I blurted out that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. I was frustrated about not being in a serious relationship myself. My envy took over, and I became a different person."

Been there? Done that? Before you change your name to Sybil, understand that everyone experiences this mean emotion at some time. Jan Frazier, 32, a physical therapist in San Diego, admits she was so envious of the attention her recently published author cousin was getting that she refused to read her novel and missed the book party. When Kelli Stephen's friend got a job making six figures as a Wall Street trader, "I was so envious, I accused her of being concerned only with making money," recalls Stephen, 29, a Washington, D.C., high-school teacher. Shawnda Bergman, 30, a public-relations consultant in Kansas City, has a friend who, at 5 feet 11 inches, is the tall, willowy woman Bergman, 5-foot-2, always yearned to be. "Every time I go out with her, I feel like a complete runt."

All these women were consumed by resentment and desire--desire for what someone else has and resentment of that person for possessing it. And they've let their envy get the best of them. But they're not evil people. "Everyone experiences envy--it's a normal human emotion," explains psychologist Karen Peterson, Ph.D., author of The Tomorrow Trap (Health Communications, 1996). "Someone has something we want, and we're covetous."

But all envy doesn't have to make us feel self-pitying and powerless. "When you realize you are capable of achieving what the person has, envy can motivate," says Doreen Virtue, Ph.D., author of I'd Change My Life If I Had More Time (Hey House, 1996). "Envy can be either a tool for destruction or a great gift." Here's how to deal better with the envy you're experiencing and transform the bad to the beautiful.

When Envy Turns Evil

"A friend and I were both up for the same promotion at work. I figured I was a shoo-in, since I had a better work record and had been at the company longer," remembers Lucy Hartford, 28, a stockbroker in Manhattan. "But to my horror, she was chosen over me. I was upset and jealous of her new responsibilities--and corner office. I felt I was the one who deserved the raise."

Possessed by envy, Hartford started giving her newly promoted colleague the cold shoulder and bad-mouthing her to coworkers. "That wasn't like me, but I couldn't think straight," she explains.

Hartford may have bad-mouthed her friend because being passed over for the job was a blow to her self-esteem, explains Peterson. But her reaction didn't make her feel better; it just reinforced her feelings of inadequacy. "Instead of using your energy negatively, figure out why your friend received the promotion and then emulate her," advises Peterson. "Or if you truly feel you were wronged, direct that energy into looking for another job."

Learning From Your Viciousness

Kimberly Shue's envy at her friend's engagement prompted her to make the catty remark about rising divorce statistics. When you have the impulse to express your envy in a negative way, squash it. "Instead, think about what it is you're envious of," advises Virtue. "When she announced her engagement, it made me feel lonely and insecure," admits Shue.

Jan Frazier's envy at her cousin being published stemmed from her own dreams of becoming a writer, although she didn't admit this to herself at the time. "I could not deal with the feelings her triumph stirred up inside me," she remembers.

Once you figure out why you're envious of a person, it's much easier to turn that envy around and eventually grow from the experience. "Envy can be an excellent educator," states Peterson, "as long as you are open to learning its lessons."

Making Envy an Energizer

If you feel that accomplishing what you envy--marriage, writing a novel, making lots of money--is practically impossible, "remember that every big goal is comprised of thousands of tiny steps," advises Virtue. "Think of one or two small things you could do each week to help you come closer to your ultimate goal, then do them. " Once Frazier realized she was treating her cousin so poorly because she, too, wished to write, she was motivated to take action. "I asked her for tips on writing," she says, "then enrolled in a screenplay course at a local college."

After Kimberly Shue left her friend's party feeling petty about her nasty comment, she vowed to make some changes in her social life. She told her friends she wanted to be set up. "I was taking control of my situation, and it felt better than wallowing in self-pity and being bitter about my friend's happiness," she recalls.

Get Galvanized or Get Over It

Then there are those no-win envy situations. Obviously, the petite Shawnda Bergman will never be 5 feet 11, but her envy did spark some self-exploration. "Being around this friend triggered feelings I had as a kid about always being the shortest one in the class," she says. "All those insecurities came flooding back." A friend suggested that Shawnda spend less time with her tall friend. "I did stop seeing this girl so often, and right away, I felt better about myself." Sometimes, even if it's a little pathetic, just plain avoiding the person who makes us envious really helps.

If you find yourself constantly wishing for the impossible, then your envy "is probably symbolic of something else," says Peterson. Ask yourself what memories the emotion invokes. "I took a hard look at my financial past," says Kelli Stephen, the woman who lashed out at her friend when she got a high-paying job. "My family was poor, and we were always struggling." When Stephen realized her reaction to her friend's success stemmed from a deprived past, it became much easier for her to accept the life she had chosen. "I finally admitted to myself I could never be a trader, I wasn't born with the same drive as my friend," she says. "Teaching is my calling, and though it doesn't pay much, I'm damn good at it. Now I can be happy for my friend's success without downplaying my own."

Envy Is Your Friend

Envy can be delicious instead of malicious, discovered Lorraine Blake, 28, a Boston nurse. "My best friend and I were both 20 pounds overweight," she recalls. But one day, Lorraine's pal started ordering salads instead of steaks and told her she had joined a gym. "She said she was sick of being fat," says Blake, "and had decided to do something about it."

When other friends had lost weight in the past, Blake found herself resentful. This fume, however, was different. "My pal did not gloat about her weight loss," she says. "She was honest about the immense effort it had taken and encouraged me to follow her lead. I became inspired."

Blake's envy helped her peel off 15 pounds. "If you can admit to yourself when you feel envious of someone, then use it as a goal-setting measure," concludes Virtue. "Envy can be extremely positive."

(*) Some names have been changed.

RELATED ARTICLE: When Friends Envy You

Maybe you're the one who inspires green rage. What do you do?

1. DON'T GLOAT. Are you bragging about your glam job or otherwise rubbing others' faces in your newfound success? Cut it out, and see if your friends chill as a result.

2. CONFRONT HER. If you don't acknowledge the problem, it probably won't go away and is likely to create a rift in your relationship. But tackle the subject very delicately. "Tell your friend you've noticed she's been treating you differently," advises Boston-based psychologist Karen Peterson. "Cite specific examples, and then explain that you suspect the change is due to your recent success. Say that you'd like the chance to air this out so it doesn't come between you." If she refuses to fess up, Peterson says to "give it a week or two and see if she calms down."

3. TAKE THE HIGH ROAD. Offer to help her get some success of her own. "If you can encourage her without being patronizing, it can help the situation immensely," says Doreen Virtue, author of I'd Change My Life If I Had More Time (Hey House, 1996). "Tell her you're there for her 100 percent."

4. HANG OUT WITH YOUR PAL. Peterson says people who are envious of their friends often fear they're going to be abandoned. "Spend time with her, she advises, "and let her know her friendship is still very important to you."

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