The Quilter's Last Will and Testament*
I, ______, being of sound mind (a statement which may or may not bear close examination to a select few) do hereby record my last will and testament.
Knowing that______, myDH (Dear Husband)hasn’t the least understanding or appreciation for, or knowledge of, my extensive fabric collection, books, and sewing notions, of which collection is suitably deposited in My Sewing Place for safekeeping.
Knowing that______, myDH (Dear Husband)does have an understanding or appreciation for and knowledge of that fancy sewing/embroidery machine (so named ‘Baby Ell’)and serger he so thoughtfully insisted we purchase so he didn’t have to leave the shop empty handed. Or was it that he didn’t want to go to another shop looking for one?
Knowing also that______, myDH (Dear Husband)has also secretly thought of notifying the local dumpster company to pick up and dispose of the before mentioned extensive collection. (The thought of which is causing me a wretched case of hives and twitching).
Therefore, I do will this collection and all other collections related to it, to my dear friend and fellow fabric preservationist (Benefactor to be named at a later date, just as soon as I find one who has the same love for fabric and sewing as I do. It is my strong wish that my daughter, sons, and/or daughters or son-in-law would step up to the plate and accept this priceless inheritance.)
It is my wish that she/he, upon hearing of my death and obtaining clear proof that I did not manage, although I certainly tried, to take it with me, would come to my home post haste, before the dumpster, and search out my collection and promptly take possession before the fabric hounds find out about my demise.
It is also my wish that she/he should rescue said collection, but before removing a single thread from the room, would place yellow ‘caution’ tape up in the doorway to My Sewing Place.
After she/he has done this, she/he should purchase refreshments for my friends/family not yet departed, and every last one shall be in that room and they shall hold a wake and say lovely and kind things about me until they run out and then they shall divide amongst themselves, by lot, my wonderful collection. I insist this little get-together last at least a couple of minutes, for crying out loud…
I shall be hovering over that very spot until this is done. DH (Dear Husband) shall then allow the new proud owner(s) to take said possessions in a timely and orderly fashion and haul them off to their own abode, thus creating an even bigger stash for themselves. Heshall close the door, leaving trivialities to those who do not understand.
This is my wish on the matter.
Signed: ______Date: ______
Notarized: ______Date: ______
*No, this is not a legal document. But it should be.