Are Men Superficial or Super Perceptive? By Alison Armstrong
As women, we are accustomed to being judged by our looks. We know that men have decided to approach, pursue or get to know us better based upon the way we look. We have resented this. Its seems superficial. It invalidates that we are a whole person, with value on the inside as well. Webster's New World dictionary defines superficial as: "concerned with and understanding only the easily apparent and obvious." We, as women, may have been superficial in our understanding of what men see when they look at us. Rather than men being superficial, it appears that men are super-perceptive.
No doubt, men have a definite and sometimes overwhelming response to women's faces and figures. But as men age and develop, their perception and appreciation of other qualities in women grows rapidly. Surprisingly, these qualities of the inside are visible on the outside. It is extraordinary what men can tell just by looking at a woman.
When a man looks at a woman's body, he can see much more than the size and shape of her various parts. He can tell by the way she carries and moves her body if she is aggressive or receptive, impatient or used to being in control. He can tell if she is self-confident, or unsure of herself, putting on airs, or relaxed and comfortable. A man can tell when a woman lives through her body -- expressing herself in movement and action -- or when she drags her body around behind her. He can tell what she thinks about herself. As one man stated it, "I can tell if she thinks she's beautiful, thinks she's ugly, or doesn't think about herself at all."
When a man looks at a woman's face, he can see much more than the shape and organization of her facial features. Women who are bitter have what men call "a pinched look". Resentment develops "edges" in a woman's face and makes her look "sharp". She may be described as "hard looking". She looks intimidating, no matter how nice and well-organized her features might be otherwise. Our faces can have an overall look of being clouded or muddled when we are upset or angry. Men tend to keep their distance when we look like this. On the other hand, when a woman is happy, her face gives off a light or glow that draws people to her. Being at peace -- with herself or the world -- is reflected in a "softness" of the cheeks, jaw, mouth and eye area that makes a woman look approachable.
A woman's eyes are the most revealing. They show everything from sadness to joy, skepticism to acceptance. When we are critical or judgmental, our eyes show it -- the pupils contract and our eyes look "hard". When we are interested in something or someone, our eyes shine or sparkle. Passion makes our eyes "light up". Most men have said that the most attractive feature in any woman is her eyes. One man in his 30s stated, "the most extraordinary thing is to look into a woman's eyes and see that she accepts you." Another man in his late 40s said, "When a woman looks at you and her eyes are sparkling, it's like she gives you a small piece of her spirit."
Our inner attitude is also reflected outwardly in our lips. They get pinched or pursed and narrowed when we are angry, upset or resentful. Then there is the magical effect of a woman's smile. Not just any smile. A man on the panel in Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women stated, "You can tell if a woman is just smiling because she is supposed to and it's false. The best thing is when a woman smiles at you, and the smile was meant just for you." Many men hold the sentiment about a woman's genuine smile that Jack Nicholson expressed in the movie As Good As It Gets: "She's the kind of woman that when she smiles at you, you have a life."
I encourage you to talk to the men in your life about this. Do some of your own research. You'll be surprised how perceptive men are. Ask them, "What can you tell about a woman just by looking at her?" Then listen and learn. If you're feeling open and curious, you might ask, "What could you tell just by looking at me?" Remember, if you have a specific response you're looking for, it won't be safe to answer. I asked Greg, my husband, what he saw that fateful first time he looked at me in 1991. Greg said, "I saw happy...strong...friendly." That was before hello!
So when men judge us by our looks, please understand that it is much more than the various shapes and sizes that make up our physical presence. Our "looks" really do manage to reflect who we are on the inside. A man may be sexually attracted by a shapely bust or pair of legs, or by sexual energy being widely broadcast. More significantly, he could be charmed and enchanted by the happiness, confidence, passion and acceptance that may be written all over you.
Learning About Men From Men
In eleven years of studying men, I have learned the most from listening to them. Most graduates of Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women will say that the Panel of Men in their workshop was the best part. By learning how to listen to men, and practicing creating the kind of environment in which men really open up and express themselves, you can hear the same extraordinary responses from the men in your life.
To help you, here is a list of 101 Great Questions to ask men and some reminders of what is really important to remember when listening to men.
Listening to Men:
To create the kind of situation that enables men to communicate fully, remember this: Make sure it is a good time to ask a question. This means when he is not doing anything else (including things you don't think are important). To check, you can ask, "Is this a good time to ask a question?" Don't take it personally if he says no and try again at a later time.
After you ask the question, give him time to think before he responds. He is not taking the answer off the top of his head, he is really thinking about it. That is the respect he is paying to your question. Just wait patiently while he thinks. If you prompt him, or rephrase your question, that will interrupt his thought processes.
Once he starts talking, don't interrupt him. This includes a comment, objection or another question. Watch out for nodding your head excessively, or agreeing verbally. This can also be an interruption.
When it seems like he is finished, listen "one minute longer". Do this until he says he is done. When he takes a breath, don't jump in. While men are accused of being "shallow", they are actually the opposite. They are like deep, deep wells. If you don't give him a chance to draw up another bucket, you will only get what was on the surface. Make sure you are safe to talk to -- this means that you can't have a "right answer" in mind. If his answer will get him in trouble with you, he can tell this and is likely to not answer at all. The odds of him answering the question the way you would are slim, be willing to be surprised and learn something from him.
Appreciate him for answering your question. Even if you didn't like the answer, he honored your question with a response.
101 Great Questions to Ask Men:
Here are some of the "Greatest Hits" from our panels. While the question may not seem special to you, the responses we have received from men have been extraordinarily enlightening. If you are asking a question about women, take a deep breath and listen with curiosity. To start out, I recommend asking the questions about them and their lives outside of women. That way you can practice being safe to talk to you before it gets more personal to you.
1. What is great about being a man?
2. What is your definition of a successful life?
3. What qualities do you like about yourself?
4. What qualities do you admire in other people?
5. Who are your heroes?
6. If you could have a conversation with one person, alive or historical, who would that be and why?
7. What is God or spirituality to you? How important is that in your life?
8. Where do you get your spiritual nourishment?
9. What makes you feel free?
10. What's your idea of a perfect day? What makes is perfect?
11. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
12. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would that be?
13. How do you define greatness?
14. What is your definition of an "honorable man"?
15. Who are your role models?
16. How have your needs changed since your 20s, 30s, 40s, etc?
17. What qualities do you think are distinctly male?
18. What accomplishments are you most proud of?
19. What matters most to have appreciated about you?
20. What have you done out of obligation that you really didn't want to do?
21. When do feel at peace?
22. How do you relax?
23. What do you do for fun?
24. How much adventure do you need and where do you get it?
25. How much "alone time" do you need and what does it provide for you?
26. What do you like to do alone?
27. What are you passionate about?
28. What kind of vacation do you enjoy?
29. When are you happiest?
30. If you like watching sports, what does that do for you?
31. If you like playing sports, what does that do for you?
32. What are your favorite sports and why?
33. What do you love about your life?
34. If you could change something about your life with a magic wand, what would it be?
35. What do you respect about other men?
36. What does being with your male friends provide for you?
37. What is it like to spend time with your male friends?
38. How much time do you need to spend with your friends?
39. How does having a wife or girlfriend along change your time with male friends?
40. What are your thoughts about war?
41. What do you think is unique about being ______(fill in Nationality)
42. If you are a father, what is great and what is hard about that?
43. If you are a father, what do you admire about your children?
44. If you are a father, what have your children taught or contributed to you?
45. In being a father, what have you learned?
46. How has being a father changed you?
47. If you have a daughter, what effect does she have on you?
48. If you have a son, what do think is important to contribute to him?
49. What do you want for your children's lives?
50. What do you admire about your father?
51. What did you learn from your father?
52. What did you learn from your parents?
53. What effect do your parents have in your life today?
54. What qualities did your parents inspire in you?
55. If you are a brother, what does that mean to you?
56. What do you like about your job or career?
57. If you have changed your career, what was that like for you?
58. Ideally, how would you like to spend the hour after work each day?
59. What do you need when you first get home from work?
60. What is the process you use in making a decision?
61. What was one of the best days you ever had?
62. What do you enjoy spending money on?
63. What do you daydream about?
64. What are your favorite books? What did you like about them?
65. If you watch T.V., what kinds of programs to you like?
66. What types of movies do you like?
67. What are your favorite movies?
68. If you liked "The Shawshank Redemption", what about that movie makes it special?
69. If you like video games, what are your favorites and why?
70. Do you like tools?
71. Who is your favorite Superhero and why?
72. What does your car mean to you?
73. What is your "dream car"?
74. If you like trucks, how are they different from cars?
75. What is your favorite holiday? What is special about it?
76. What is love to you?
77. What does being loved provide for you?
78. What qualities do you think are distinctly female?
79. What do you love about women?
80. Do female friends provide something different than male friends?
81. How does a woman's smile affect you?
82. How are you effected by a woman being happy?
83. How are you effected by a woman being upset?
84. What do you think about strong, successful women?
85. What is different about older women?
86. What would you change about how women communicate with you?
87. What makes a woman approachable?
88. What do you appreciate or admire in mothers?
89. What makes a woman great to work with?
90. If you are single (or when you were), what do you think about women asking you out?
91. Do you like to be called by a woman you are seeing?
92. If you could have one power (or super-power) that would make your relationships with women better, what would you choose and why?
93. What kind of gifts do you enjoy giving?
94. What do you think is romantic?
95. What is the most romantic thing a woman has ever done for you?
96. What is the most extraordinary thing a woman has ever done for you?
97. What is it like for you to shop with a woman? for her? for you?
98. Do you like shopping for a woman?
99. What makes a woman sexy?
100. What are your favorite female body parts? what is it about them?
101. What is your favorite normal, everyday bed-time attire for a woman?
Some of the simplest, even seemingly silly questions, have led to the most profound and touching answers. The biggest joy, I admit , has been in watching their faces as they are truly listened to and appreciated for their willingness to share. Have fun and good luck.