Human Science Jokes
-A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
-Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
-I asked an economist for her phone number.... and she gave me an estimate
-A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
-An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist." "Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?"
A sociologist is driving in his car with two penguins on the backseat. When he stops at a gas station the service attendant cannot believe his own eyes: "Look sir, I don't want to mix in your private matters, but do you know you've got some funny animals there on your backseat? What are you going to do with them?". The sociologist looks at his backseat and and says: "Oh yes I almost forgot, but I'm not sure what I should do with them". "Well sir", said the attendent, "if I were you I would go to the zoo with these penguins". "That's not a bad idea", said the sociologist, "I'll do that right away". A week later the sociologist comes to the gas station again, with the same penguins on the backseat. Now the penguins wear sunglasses and carry a towel over their shoulders. "Hey sir", said the service attendant, "I see you still have those funny penguins. So you didn't bring them to the zoo after all?" "Oh yes I certainly did", the sociologist said, "and they liked it very much. I thank you for your good advice. But today they want to go to the beach to get a nice tan ...".