Violence in Dating and Marital Relationships

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Violence in Dating and Marital Relationships

Myths and Reality

Myth #1: The battered woman syndrome affects only a small percentage of the population.

--> it is a seriously under reported crime

--> estimated that physical assault occurred in 28% of all American homes during 1976

Myth #2: Battered women are masochistic.

--> belief is that only women who Alike it@ and Adeserve it@ were beaten

--> people often come to the conclusion that the reason a battered woman remains in such a relationship is that she is masochistic

--> masochism is referring to the woman experiencing some pleasure, often akin to sexual pleasure, through being beaten by the man she loves.

--> I ask, do children like being beaten?

Myth #3: Battered women are crazy.

--> unusual actions which may help them to survive in the battering relationship have been taken out of context by unenlightened medical and mental health workers.

--> hearing voices to kill her husband or hallucinations

Myth #4: Middle-Class women do not get battered as frequently or as violently as do poorer women.

--> most previously recorded statistics of battering have come from lower-class families.

-- However, lower-class women are more likely to come in contact with community agencies and so their problems are more visible.

-- Middle and upper- class women do not want to make their battering public -- they fear social embarrassment and harming their husbands= careers.

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Myth #5: Minority-group women are battered more frequently than Anglos.

--> found no difference between the groups.....minority women and Anglo women told the same stories about how they were unable to make an impact on the kind of violence they experienced.

Myth #6: Religious beliefs will prevent battering.

--> religious beliefs did not protect the women from assaultive men

--> some women actually told a religious leader about their situation and he told them to return home and help their husband find the lord.

--> others actually did find religious leaders/advisors to be a resource that helped them break out of the violent relationship

Myth #7: Battered women are uneducated and have few job skills.

--> women of all educational levels, even women with professional and doctoral degrees, have been in a battering relationship

--> a lot of women with jobs who are in a battering relationship give up their jobs in hopes of stopping the battering but it doesn=t help.

Myth #8: Batterers are violent in all their relationships.

--> estimated only about 20% of battered women live with men who are violent not only to them but also to anyone else who gets in their way.

--> most men who batter their wives are not violent in other aspects of their lives.

--> the attention has been on the men who are violent in many aspects of their lives so this is the common depiction we see in the media.

Myth #9: Batters are unsuccessful and lack resources to cope with the world.

--> it has been suggested that men who feel less capable than their wives resort to violence.

--> many professional, successful, community involved men are beating their wives.

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Myth #10: Drinking causes battering behavior.

--> there is a relationship between drinking alcohol and battering; however, the battering does not necessarily occur after the man has been drinking.

--> alcohol is a component of the battering relationship, it is not the cause.

--> the most violent physical abuse was suffered by women whose men were consistent drinkers.

Myth #11: Batters are psychopathic.

--> batters are found to have many personality disturbances, not just being psychopathic

--> they do have in common with psychopathics though, this ability to use charm as a manipulative technique.

--> unlike the psychopath, the batter feels a sense of guilt and shame at his actions.

Myth #12: Police can protect the battered woman.

--> only 10% ever called the police for help.

--> if they did call the police, most stated that the police were ineffective because when the police left the assault continued with renewed vigor.

--> the law is changing but it still is not very effective in handling domestic violence cases.

Myth #13: The batterer is not a loving partner.

--> but batterers are often described by their victims as fun-loving little boys when they are not being coercive.

--> they are playful, attentive, sensitive, exciting, and affectionate to their women.

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Myth #14: A wife batterer also beats his children.

--> about 1/3 of the batterers beat their children in one investigation

--> about 1/3 of the battered women beat their children

--> even if the kids weren=t physically abused, they certainly suffered psychological scars from watching their mother get battered.

Myth #15: Once a battered woman, always a battered woman.

--> though some women find themselves in a series of battering relationships, this is not true for the majority of women.

--> this is especially true for those women who received some beneficial intervention; these woman rarely remarried another batterer.

Myth #16: Once a batterer, always a batterer.

--> theory suggests that batterers can be taught to relearn their aggressive responses.

--> no real solid data to prove the theory false

Myth #17: Long-standing battering relationships can change for the better.

--> generally, these relationships do not become battering free.

--> at best, the violent assaults are reduced in frequency and severity.

--> unassisted long-standing relationships usually escalate to homicidal and suicidal proportions. [the best hope for these folks is to terminate the relationship before it reaches this stage]

Myth #18: Battered women deserve to get beaten.

--> often thought that the women provoke their beatings by pushing their husbands/boyfriends beyond the breaking point

--> but the reality is that batterers lose self-control because of their own internal reasons, not because of what the women did or did not do.

--> this myth robs the men of responsibility for their own actions.

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Myth #19: Battered women can always leave home.

--> women are culturally indoctrinated to believe that love and marriage are their true fulfillment -- if they leave it, they fail.

--> furthermore, the realities of the situation that these women often have no place to go and no means of survival.

--> a battered woman is not free to end her victimization without assistance.

Myth #20: Batterers will cease their violence Awhen we get married@

--> if violent before they get married, women often believe that the violence will stop after marriage because the batterer will feel more secure in the relationship.

--> rather, the reality is that the batterers suspiciousness and possessiveness increase also with his escalating rate of violence.

Myth #21: Children need their father even if he is violent -- or AI=m only staying for the sake of the children.@

--> children of abusive parents say that they would rather live with just one parent

--> other women also stayed in the battering relationship after the children had left so it wasn=t just for the sake of the children.

Common Characteristics of Battered Women

1. Low self-esteem

2. Believes the above listed beliefs

3. Is a traditionalist about the home, strongly believes in family unity and the prescribed feminine sex-role stereotype

4. Accepts responsibility for the batterers actions

5. Suffers from guilt, yet denies the terror and anger she feels.

6. Presents a passive face to the world but has the strength to manipulate her environment enough to prevent further violence and being killed.

7. Has severe stress reactions, with psychophysiological complaints

8. Uses sex as a way to establish intimacy

9. Believes that no one will be able to help her resolve her predicament except herself

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Common Characteristics of Men Who Batter

1. Has low self-esteem.

2. Believes all the myths about battering relationships

3. Is a traditionalist believing in male supremacy and the stereotyped masculine sex role in the family

4. Blames others for his actions

5. Is pathologically jealous

6. Presents a dual personality

-- overkill -- both with meanness and kindness

7. Has severe stress reactions, during which he uses drinking and wife battering to cope

8. Frequently uses sex as an acto of aggression to enhance self-esteem in view of waning virility.

9. Does not believe his violent behavior should have negative consequences.