South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
SOUTH PARK (passim)
STAN MARSH:
There’s a bunch of birds in the sky
And some deers just went running by
Oh, the snow’s pure and white
On the earth rich and brown
Just another Sunday morning
In my quiet mountain…TOWN
The sun is shining and the grass is green
(Under the three feet of snow I mean)
This is a day when it’s hard to wear a frown
All the happy people stop to say hello
TOWNSPERSON: Get out of my way!
STAN:
Even though the temperature’s low
It’s a perfect Sunday morning
In my quiet little mountain town
SHARON MARSH: Well, good morning, Stan.
STAN: Mom, can I have eight dollars to see a movie?
SHARON: A movie?
STAN: Yeah. It’s gonna be the best movie ever! It’s a foreign film, from Canada.
SHARON: All right, here ya go. But be back for supper.
STAN: Thanks, mom!
SHARON:
Oh, what a picture-perfect child
Just like Jesus he’s tender and mild
He’d wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown
What an angel
With a heart so sweet and sure
And a mind so open and pure
Thank God we live in this quiet redneck mountain town
STAN: [knocking on Kenny’s door] Dude! Dude, wake up!…Kenny, come on!
KENNY MCCORMICK: Coming!
STAN: Kenny, the Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come?
KENNY: [undecipherable]
MRS. MCCORMICK: Where do you think you’re going?
KENNY: I’m going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!
MRS. MCCORMICK: You can’t! You have to go to church.
KENNY: But mom, I want to go to the movie!
MRS. MCCORMICK: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
KENNY: Okay!
STAN:
You can see your breath hanging in the air
You see homeless people
But you just don’t care
It’s a sea of smiles
In which we’d be glad to drown
KENNY:
And this movie's gonna make our lives complete
‘cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet
STAN: That’s right!
STAN:
It’s Sunday Morning
STAN and CHOIR:
In my quiet little whitebread redneck mountain town
IKE BROFLOVSKI: Ba-ba-ba-ba.
KYLE BROFLOVSKI: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
IKE: Don’t kick the baby.
KYLE: Kick the baby. [kicks Ike]
Ike: [screams]
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI: [seeing Ike crash through the window] Ike! You broke another window! That’s a bad baby! Bad baby!
STAN: Kyle, we’re going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!
KYLE: Oh my God, dude!
SHEILA: Kyle, where are you going?
KYLE: Uh, we’re going ice-skating.
SHEILA: Well take your little brother out with you.
KYLE: Aw, ma! He’s not even my real brother. He’s adopted.
SHEILA: Do as I say, Kyle!
KYLE: Okay, okay, I’m sorry.
SHEILA:
Look at those frail and fragile boys
It really gets me down
The woild is such a rotten place
And city life’s a complete disgrace
That’s why I moved to this redneck, meshuggenah, quiet mountain town
SHEILA: [seeing Ike crash through the window again] Ike! Bad baby!
TV ANNOUNCER: This program is brought to you by Snacky S’mores: the creamy fun of s’mores in a delightful cookie crunch.
ERIC CARTMAN: [hearing doorbell ring] Mom! Somebody’s at the door!
LIAN CARTMAN: Coming, hon!
CARTMAN: [as mom walks in front of the TV] ‘ey, I can’t see the TV!
TV NEWS ANCHOR: It’s been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him.
LIAN: Oh look, Eric: it’s your little friends.
IKE: Cartman!
CARTMAN: What are you guys doing here? [seeing an ad for the Terrance and Phillip movie] Oh, sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!
CHILDREN:
Off to the movie we shall go
Where we learn everything that we know
‘cause the movies teach us
What our parents don’t have time to say
And this movie’s gonna make our lives complete
‘cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet
CARTMAN: Super sweet!
CHILDREN:
Thank God we live in the
Quiet little redneck, podunk, white trash
KENNY: [undecipherable]
CHILDREN:
U…S…A
OUTSIDE THE CINEMA
STAN: Can I have five tickets to "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire," please?
BOX OFFICE CASHIER: No!
KYLE: What do you mean "No"?
CASHIER: "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire" has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
KYLE: But why?
CASHIER: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.
KYLE: This, this can’t be happening
STAN: We have to see this movie, dude.
CARTMAN: Aw, screw it. It probably isn’t all that good anyway.
KYLE: Cartman, what are you talking about? You love Terrance and Phillip.
CARTMAN: Yeah, but the animation’s all crappy.
STAN: Wait, I’ve got an idea!
HOMELESS MAN: Uh, hi. I want six tickets to "Asses of Fire."
CASHIER: This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones.
HOMELESS MAN: Hey, he says this movie isn’t appropriate for you.
STAN: Look, Mr. Homeless Guy. If you don’t wanna buy us tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not go buy yourself a bottle of vodka; then be my guest.
HOMELESS MAN: Six tickets, please.
INSIDE THE CINEMA
KYLE: Let me have some candy, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Oh, let’s see. Uh…nope, I don’t have any Jewish candy.
KYLE: Why do you really need all that chocolate, fat boy?
IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba.
STAN: Shh, the movie’s starting!
CHILDREN: [as movie begins] Hooray!
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance. What did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynaecologist?
TERRANCE: I don’t know, Phillip. What?
PHILLIP: [farts in Terrance’s face]
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
STAN: Where do they come up with this stuff?
TERRANCE: You’re such a pigfucker, Phillip!
CHILDREN: [gasping]
KYLE: What did he say?
PHILLIP: Terrance, why would you call me a "pigfucker"?
TERRANCE: Well, let’s see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
PHILLIP: Oh yeah!
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
TERRANCE: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
PHILLIP: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!
CHILDREN: Wow!
CARTMAN: "Shitfaced cockmaster."
TERRANCE: Listen, you donkey-raping shiteater!
KYLE: "Donkey-raping shiteater."
IKE: "Dobee babing sheeteater."
TERRANCE: You’d fuck your uncle.
PHILLIP: You’d fuck your uncle.
PHILLIP:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka
You’re a cocksucking, asslicking uncle fucka
You’re an uncle fucka, yes it’s true
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you
TERRANCE:
Shut your fucking face uncle fucka
You’re the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka
You don’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn
You just fuck your uncle all day long
BOTH: [farting in tune to the music]
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
AUDIENCE MEMBER: What’s going on, here?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: What garbage!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Well, what do you expect? They’re Canadian.
CHOIR:
Fucka, uncle fucka
Uncle fucka uncle fucka
Fucka, uncle fucka
BOTH:
Shut your fucking face uncle fucka
PHILLIP: Uncle fucka!
BOTH:
You’re a boner-biting bastard uncle fucka
PHILLIP:
You’re an uncle fucka I must say
TERRANCE:
Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday
BOTH:
Uncle fucka
That’s: U-N-C-L-E, fuck you
BOTH, WITH CHOIR:
Uncle fucka
PHILLIP: Suck my balls!
OUTSIDE THE CINEMA
KYLE: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
CARTMAN: You bet your fucking ass it was!
STAN: Fuck dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip!
CASHIER: Hey, wait a minute. Where’s your guardian?
KYLE: Huh?
CASHIER: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn’t you?
CARTMAN: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shiteater!
KYLE: Yeah!
KYLE:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka
CHILDREN:
You’re an anus-licking ball-sucking uncle fucka
THE SKATING POND
KID: Hey, where have you guys been all day?
STAN: Oh, nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie!
KIDS: [gasping]
KID: You saw it?
KID: How’d you get in?
CARTMAN: Hey, stop crowding us you shitfaced cockmasters!
KIDS: Wow!
STAN: Yeah, you’re all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!
KIDS: Oooh!
KID: We have got to see this movie, dude.
KYLE: Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother.
STAN: [singing to self]
There’s the girl that I like
CARTMAN: Hey, Stan. Tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal-wart.
STAN:
Now, more than ever
She gives me butterflies
It makes my stomach queasy
Every time she walks by
CARTMAN: Asshole, I’m talkin’ to you!
STAN:
I know I can be cool if I try
WENDY TESTABURGER: Hi, Stan!
STAN: [barfs on Wendy]
WENDY: Gross!
GREGORY: Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush.
STAN: Who are you, kid?
GREGORY: My name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a four-oh grade point average.
WENDY: Wanna skate with us?
GREGORY: We’ve been skating all morning, and laughing, and talking of memories past.
STAN: We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie!
GREGORY: Oh ho. Try and catch me, Wendy! [skates off]
WENDY: Bye, Stan.
CARTMAN: Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me?…I said WHO WANTS TO FUCKIN' TOUCH ME?
KID: [touching Cartman] Ooooh.
KID: C’mon, gang. We gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too! [the kids vacate]
CARTMAN: [to Kenny] I hate you, Kenny.
MR. GARRISON’S CLASSROOM
ALL KIDS:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker
You’re a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucker
You’re a- [all stop singing abruptly as Mr. Garrison walks in]
MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, let’s take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [to Mr. Hat] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let’s start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two?…C’mon children, don’t be shy. Just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: Twelve?
MR. GARRISON: Okay. Now let’s try to get an answer from someone who’s not a complete retard. Anyone?…Come on, don’t be shy.
KYLE: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.
CARTMAN: [mocking Kyle]
KYLE: Shut-up, fatboy!
CARTMAN: ‘ey! Don’t call me fat, you fuckin’ Jew!
MR. GARRISON: Eric! Did you just say the F-word?
CARTMAN: "Jew"?
KYLE: No, he’s talkin’ about "fuck." You can’t say "fuck" in school, you fuckin’ fatass.
MR. GARRISON: Kyle!
CARTMAN: Why the fuck not?
MR. GARRISON: Eric!
STAN: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
MR. GARRISON: Stanley!
KENNY: Fuck.
MR. GARRISON: Kenny!
CARTMAN: What’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
MR. GARRISON: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
CARTMAN: How would you like to suck my balls?
KIDS: [gasping]
MR. GARRISON: What did you say?
CARTMAN: Oh, I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Actually, what I said was: [speaking through bullhorn] "How would you like, to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"
KYLE: Holy shit, dude.
COUNSELOR’S OFFICE
MR. MACKIE: Well, I must say I’m very disappointed in you boys, m’kay? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Now I’ve already called in your mothers, but-
KYLE: [frightened] You called my mom?
MR. MACKIE: That’s right.
KYLE: [even more frightened] Oh no, dude!
CARTMAN: Mr. Mackie, can I ask a question?
MR. MACKIE: M’kay, what?
CARTMAN: What’s the big fuckin’ deal, bitch?
STAN: Yeah.
MR. MACKIE: Oh! N-now I wanna know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m’kay?
STAN: Nowhere. Uh, we heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
KYLE: Yeah!
MR. MACKIE: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said…uh, "Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker."
CHILDREN: [laughing]
CARTMAN: Hee hee hee, sweet!
KYLE: [as mothers walk in] Uh-oh!
MR. MACKIE: Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
SHARON: This just isn’t like you, Stanley.
SHEILA: What did my son say Mr. Mackie? Did he say the S-woid?
MR. MACKIE: No, it was worse than that.
SHEILA: The F-woid?
MR. MACKIE: Well here’s a short list of the things they’ve been saying, m’kay?
SHARON: Oh dear God!
SHEILA: What the heck is a "rimjob"?
LIAN: Oh, why that’s when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass!
SHEILA: Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackie this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases.
KYLE: I…I…
STAN: We can’t tell you. We all took a sacred oath, and swore ourselves to secrecy.
CARTMAN: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie.
STAN: Dude!
CARTMAN: What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here.
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?
MR. MACKIE: Excuse me, what the heck is Terrance and Phillip?
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada. Nothing but foul language and toilet humor.
MR. MACKIE: Well, I guess I’ll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see "Terrance and Phillip."
CARTMAN: Everybody’s fuckin’ seen it.
LIAN: Eric!
CARTMAN: I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
THE LUNCHROOM
STAN: [singing to self]
There’s the girl that I like
Over there laughing with that smart ne-
CARTMAN: ‘ey! You’re holding up the god damn lunch line!
CHEF: Hello there, children!
CHILDREN: Hey Chef.
CHEF: How’s it goin’?
CHILDREN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
KYLE: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can’t ever see the Terrance and Phillip movie again!
CHEF: Oh, that’s too bad.
CARTMAN: You shoulda seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind, heh heh.
KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman!
CARTMAN: No, dude, I’d be scared too. Your mom’s a fuckin’ bitch.
KYLE: Don’t call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
CARTMAN: Don’t call me fat, you buttfuckin’ son of a bitch!
CHEF: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?
CARTMAN: [walking away] It’s pretty fuckin’ sweet, huh?
STAN: [lagging behind] Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
CHEF: Oh, that’s easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.
STAN: Huh?
CHEF: Ooops!
STAN: What does that mean, "…find the clitoris"?
CHEF: Uh…uh, forget I said anything. Move along, children, you’re holdin’ up the line.
STAN: You guys! Do you know where I can find the…"clitoris"?
KYLE: The what?
CARTMAN: What, is that like finding Jesus, or something?