By Ryvonne Mcdonald

Heartless

By Ryvonne McDonald

Chapter 1: Hechos

Fact. I’ve been called heartless, conceited, and vain. But the name they should be calling me by is Rozalie Catalina Martinez. I’m a tall Puerto Rican, White, and Black 16 year old with wavy dark hair that flows down my back. My eyes are ice blue; cold like my heart.

Sometimes, people want to know what I’m like. Well, according to everyone in this town, I’m worthless. My own step father tells me that I’m not capable of anything and that I’ll always be a stupid “child”.

They all say that I don’t care about anyone or anything. Little do they know, that at night I pour out my heart to somebody in the sky, who I’m not even sure exists. I pray to wake up the next day and be anyone else but me. All my life I’ve been constantly put down and constantly flooded with false promises and lies that I chose to believe,always told that I would never achieve anything.

But maybe if they took out the time to see me for who I really am, they would see me through a different perspective. Maybe they would see that I’m an amazing friend, that I DO care about others and have my own feelings too. They’d see that I’m good at sports and whatever else I put my mind to. They would see that I love to sing, dance, create and be free.

But to this day, they’re blinded. Blinded by their ignorance. They choose not to understand me. They choose to live in their pathetic rumors, deciding to not see the success that I’m destined for. But what they choose to see is what they choose to not evaluate in themselves. They see all of my flaws and all of my mistakes instead of beauty.

To them, I’m a terrible person.

This is my story.

Heartless.

And that’s a fact.

Chapter 2: Pertubador

Two. It all started when I was two.

This was when I told my first lie. Yes, a small, stupidlie that made it hard to stop. I became a troublemaker.

I raised cane everywhere I went, never caring about the “consequences” or “repercussions”. Nor did I stop to think about how I affected people.

I was always lonely. Always that one kid on the sidelines watching, waiting for the ball to come my way while the other kids chased after it. Kids were cruel. I got called “Idiot”, “Ugly”, and “Retard” day in and day out. And anytime someone wasn’t looking, I cried.

I was so desperate to make friends that I stole money from my own mother.

When I was six, my mom started dating a guy from work. His name was Antonio Aguilar, and six months later he became my stepfather.

I was asked if I wanted him to adopt me. I said yes. I also took my mother’s last name.

I became Rozalie Maria Aguilar.

I hate it. I hate having his last name, hate that I even agreed to the adoption. Every time I hear him call me his daughter, I cringe with regret. So instead of having people call me that name, I ask everyone to call me by my birth name.

I’ve had to deal with his constant rage and sarcasm. Not to mention that nothing is ever good enough for him. His demeaning words constantly pierce through my heart like a two edged sword, killing me slowly and painfully.

In 6th grade, we made the decision that I would go live with my Father, Juan Martínez, in San Juan. That meant leaving behind everything and starting over.

I left the day after the school year ended. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do.

My stepmother, Magdalena, was really sweet… but I couldn’t bring myself to call her “mom”.

Soon enough I found myself getting into trouble again. Stealing, lying, disobeying. Those were the things that caused me to leave Ponce.

After a while, Magdalena said she couldn’t take it anymore and we began having a really cold relationship.

A year later, my mom and Antonio came to visit.

Since they felt that my living conditions weren’t good, they decided to let me return home. It was a second chance to get myself together.

As soon as we got back to Ponce, they enrolled me back into school. And for a change, I made some real friends.

Well, at least I thought I did…

Chapter 3: Emociones

I never realized that I could feel so betrayed.

I paced back and forth in the hallway trying to gather my thoughts. But I honestly couldn’t understand. For once in my life it seemed as if I made some real friends. But for some reason this day was different.

I suddenly became furious. I kicked the wall and yelled, “I hate these people!”

My mind was racing at 200 miles per hour and I couldn’t slow it down. What had I done this time? I couldn’t seem to think of anything.

I slid to the floor and sobbed.

“Why me?”

Chapter 4: LaAcogida

Taking a deep breath, I walked back into la cafetería wiping away my tears.

“¡Rosa!¡Venir aquí!”

I snapped back to reality and searched through the rambunctious crowd, looking for who called me. It was Lucínda Lopez and Amelia Rodríguez, motioning for me to go sit with them. I walked slowly over to their table wondering if they heard anything. I sat next to Lucinda and rested my throbbing head on her shoulder.

“Are you alright?”

I sighed and sat up. “I’m fine.”

“Rosa, novia.I know you’re not okay.”

“I said I’m fine!” I exclaimed. Lucínda and Amelia exchanged glances and fell silent. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m just having a really bad day.” “Amiga, we’re here for you. Whether you want to tell us what’s wrong or not. We’re here.” said Amelia.

I felt bad. Here I was pushing away the only people I had left, when all they were trying to do was be my friend. I sighed and began to tell them everything.

“They ditched you?” asked Lucínda.

“You were flirting with Jose!?” asked Amelia in dismay.

I nodded. “Sí y no. I wasn’t even flirting with him. He was flirting with me. Jose is like a close hermano to me. I would have never done anything to harm our friendship. But, I didn’t stop him.”

Suddenly, slamming her hands on our table she said “Why aren’t you over there?”

“You know, you have a lot of nerve…”

“Stop Amelia, I got this.” I directed my attention to Alejandra. “What do you want?”

“Look, you ain’t gotta get an attitude with me ‘cuz all I was doing was coming over here to check on you. So if you’re gonna have an attitude with anybody, it better be with yourself.” snapped Alejandra.

“So you aren’t ‘mad’ at me.” I asked.

“No, why would I be?”

“So they didn’t tell you about…”

“Jose? Nahh, they told me. But criatura, if anything, you should be the one mad. All of those kids over there… all of them are making a big issue out of something small, something not even worth talking about.”

“So you’re on my side? Even though….” I paused and looked over at all of my “friends”, “…. They’re not?”

“You do know that I have a mind of my own right? I mean, yeah, she’s my best friend, but I’ll never think the way she does.” said Alejandra. “Now stand up and give me a hug niña.”

I stood up and hugged her. It felt good to know that someone was on my side.

She looked at me and wiped my face. “Mantenga su cabeza hacia arriba.” She hugged me once more and walked away.

Chapter 5: Sin Valor

Brrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiing. That bell meant walking through a hall full of hateful people who didn’t care about anyone but themselves. Willing to crush anyone who got in their way. And today, I was that person.

I turned the corner heading for my last class of the day. Usually, it’d be my favorite; full of happiness, leaving behind all of our worries.

I exited the main building and walked toward the aviation room. Puh! I froze in my tracks wiping the spit out of my eyes. I looked up and saw a group of people laughing. “That’s what you get for being such a bimbo!”

I quickly walked away, Alejandra’s words swirling around my head. “Mantenga su cabeza hacia arriba….” “Keep your head up.” I whispered.

I entered the classroom, only to find my so called “friends” all staring at me, turning and whispering to each other… Marianna in the middle of it all.

Chapter 6: El más largo noventa minutos de mi vida

I walked into the simulator room and sat at a computer. I didn’t want to be around anybody, and quite frankly, no one wanted to be around me. Unraveling my headphones, I leaned back and stared at the disgusting spitballs and pencils stuck on the ceiling.

As soon as I turned up my music Señor Santíago walked in.

“Rozalie, I need you in the other room por favor.”
“Please don’t make me go in there.” I said in a low voice.
“Normally, I’d let you stay in here, but we’re watching an important movie today”

I sighed and grabbed my stuff. “Well can I at least go to the bathroom first?”

“Go ahead, leave your stuff though.” He replied.
“Gracias.”
“ De nada. Demores, okay?”
“Sí señor.”

I went out the back door and headed to the main entrance. I walked through the hall deep into my thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about how quick my friends were to ditch me. I scoffed and said to myself, “Some friends they are.”

I turned the corner and entered the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror. I truly am one of a kind. It’s no secret that I look different than most people here. I’m not as tan and my eyes are different than anybody’s in my school. I reapplied my Almond Crush lip glosses. I sighed and pulled my falling curls back into a ponytail.

Stepping back from the mirror, I stared at myself. I wore a loose t-shirt with my favorite shorts combat boots. But it wasn’t my clothes I was looking at. I saw the pain in my eyes. The wrinkles under my eyes from my sleepless nights.

I snapped out of it as soon as I heard footsteps and a walkie-talkie. One word… security.

I ran into a stall and shut the door gently. I stood in the stall, waiting for them to leave the hallway. As I was waiting, I noticed something on the stall that caught my attention.

It was my name.

In this school, if your name is engraved on a stall, it means that people hate you, that you have no “cool points”. I slid onto the floor and wept quietly.

Five minutes later, I got off of the ground, dusted myself off, fixed my mascara, and walked slowly back to class.

I entered through the back door and grabbed my bags and went into the other room. I sat as far away from everyone as I could.

I reclined back in my chair and turned up my music. Loud enough to drown out Marianne’s voice, but not loud enough to drown out my sorrow.

Chapter 7: huyendo

It amazed me how everyone could pretend I wasn’t there. All carrying on with their lives while making mine miserable. Passing by and shooting quick glances my way to make sure I was paying attention. Soon enough, my name was in their conversations again and I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed my bag and ran out of the door.

I heard the chaos behind me but eventually it all faded. But once again I was hearing Marianne’s annoying voice yelling, “Where ya going?! Running home to mama? That’s right, keep running! Because if I catch you, you’re gonna regret it, estupido!”

I could feel the tears streaming down my face, hair whipping through the air as I increased my gait, not stopping until I reached the train tracks.

I walked along the train tracks kicking pebbles and crying, wishing I could be anybody but me. I suddenly increased my gait again, running until I reached my backdoor.

Chapter 8: El video

I ran through the backdoor and threw my stuff down. Running through the house, I desperately looked for someone to talk to, anybody to confide in. Realizing everyone was gone I ran upstairs to my room and opened my laptop. I went to the video app and began to record.

“So, umm… for anyone who doesn’t know me, I’m Rozalie Martinez.” I said, wiping away tears. “Lately it seems as if everyone hates me, and I don’t think I can take it anymore. My house isn’t even my safe haven anymore.” I paused and stared at the ceiling.

I sighed. “Well, umm… no one knows this. But in 5th grade I was abused and put in foster care. It was probably the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me.” I sighed again. “Gosh, I don’t even know why I’m telling you people this, why would y’all care?”

I started crying again, the tears flooding my eyes, everything becoming blurry. “I can’t take this anymore… life is too hard. Too many heartbreaks, and false promises, and fake friends. I tried doing what my counselor said and that didn’t work. I tried making new friends and that sure as hell didn’t work. Ii just can’t do this anymore.” I wiped my tears. “I guess this is a good bye guys. Forever.”

I stopped recording and uploaded it to my Facebook account.

I was getting tons of texts and I refused to look at them. I paced back and forth tears falling to the ground. I slid to the floor and sobbed.

My mind was on go mode. I ran to my mom’s the bathroomand grabbed her bottle of Seroquel. I popped the whole bottle and then laid in the tub with my phone in hand. I began reading the messages, my vision becoming blurrier and blurrier.

I cried softly, gasping for air, finding it was harder and harder to breathe. My mouth became dry and my fingers became numb. I heard someone burst into the house, wait, no. More than one, several. My mother came running into the bathroom.

She laid eyes on me and instantly fell to the ground and sobbed. “Hija!!!” She held my hand. “We’re gonna get help”

I heard someone dialing 911.

Sirens, lots of sirens. I was put on a stretcher and hauled into the ambulance truck. It took me a while to realize who was in the truck with me. It was Marianne.

Suddenly, everything started to fade. And I whispered, “You did this.”

She gently laid her hand on my chest and began to sob. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. Don’t leave! Can you hear me…?”

Her face was the last thing I saw before I died.