Talking 9 to 5 by Dr. Deb Tannen
Dr. Tannen is my guru when it comes to understanding Gender. Read anything she has written. Your life will work better.
Here are some gems:
When you talk to someone whose style is similar to yours, you can fairly well predict the response you are going to get (as if it is self-evident).If the style is different, you cannot predict and often cannot make sense of their response.Being aware of differences in ways of speaking is a prerequisite for making good decisions!
Both women and men pay a price if they do not behave in ways expected of their gender.
Gender is only one of many influences on conversational style. Confusion arises when rituals are not shared and recognized.
Communication with men has conversational rituals that involve using opposition such as banter, joking, teasing and playful put downs, and expending effort to avoid the one-down position in the interaction.Conversational rituals common among women are often ways of maintaining and appearance of equality, taking into account the effect of the exchange on the other person, and expending effort to downplay the speaker’s authority so they can get the job done without flexing muscles in an obvious way. When everyone present is familiar with these conventions, they work well.
When women use conversational styles/strategies designed to avoid appearing boastful and to take the other person’s feelings into account, they may be seen as less confident and competent than they really are.Both men and women often feel they are not getting sufficient credit for what they have done, are not being listened to, are not getting ahead as fast as they should.
Do you hear what your spouse says as an invitation to decide or a non-negotiable demand?
How you are supposed to talk in order to be liked varies by gender. ie too sure of self- this bar is lower for women. They are not to talk about accomplishments; not call attention to self. Women balance their own interests and those of person talking to modify speech to take into account the impact on the other’s feelings
High status boys are expected to give orders to lower status. Taking orders is not a good thing. ‘Therefore, many men have developed strategies for making sure they get the one-up position.Boys are expected to put selves forward emphasize the qualities that make them look good, and de-emphasize those the would show them in a less favorable light; Girls are expected to be humble, not try to takethe spotlight, emphasize ways they are like everyone else and de-emphasize ways they are special
I am sorry- could be a conversational starter, not taking blame- ritual way of restoring balance to a conversation expressing regret expressing understanding of their feelings
In any confrontation, those who are comfortable with open opposition have an advantage over those who do not!Women often take it personally when someone disagrees with them or openly argues
Women expect the boss to ask questions about life outside of work to show they are interested in them as a person; If you like my work praise it versus if you like my work nothing needs to be said or done.Women-tell us directly if we are doing wrong; Men tell us directly if we are doing right
Exchanging compliments is a ritual for women. “What do you think of my talk?” means “compliment me.”
Statement of a problem- Rapport or are we problem solving a complaint? Is it that she is always a downer a complainer?
In Japan, Harada- “secret of successful communication lies in teaching higher ups to be more sensitive to indirect meaning”-“ability and willingness to pick up on hints”-“only an insensitive uncouth person needs a direct, verbal, complete message”
Sasshi-a Japanese word that means “the anticipation of another’s message, through insightful guesswork, is considered an indication of maturity”