When life throws you a curve ball . . . how to face it down and smack it out of the park!
Two weeks ago, we learned how to make constructive choices by viewing whatever comes our way as important information on which to base our decisions, and to weigh our decisions against the yardstick by which we have chosen to live our life. But what can we do when life throws us a curve? How can we keep our emotions under control long enough to see the important information we are being given and weigh decisions (which are based on this information) on our yardstick? In other words, how can we remember to react positively for that which we could not prepare and we have little information?
First, it is easy to jump to conclusions. It is our human nature to need immediate answers to new, and sudden events even when it is not practical to expect all the answers at one time. Too often, we look for a quick fix because of our need to resolve the situation and to move on to better times. Instead, we should take the time to recognize it’s full impact of the event. How fast is that curve ball traveling? How far is it likely to curve? What is it’s likely impact? How will the situation look when the dust has settled?
Of course, curve balls can come at you hard and fast. Many times we don’t have the time to gather all the information necessary to know how to react. Based on the situation, we must sometimes act immediately and absorb the facts later! So, how do we know what is an appropriate action to take immediately, pending more information?
Along with our natural instinct to need all information immediately, it is also human nature to act by re-acting instead of making a slow, and calculated game plan. We feel we must “do something” to resolve an issue instead of “standing idly by” while our world continues to turn upside down. But re-action comes from an emotional response rather than a thoughtful process. When people act from an emotional response, they usually end up regretting their actions later. Then, they find they have 2 problems with which to deal instead of just the original one. When people continue in this pattern, they set in motion events and circumstances they find little hope of resolving.
How do we curb this impulse to act out of anger, flee, or to hurt others in our process of dealing with the curve balls of life? The first rule is to have an emergency plan. We have plans and drills for such emergencies as fires, bad weather, heart attacks, choking, etc. We decide on likely problems and train our minds and our bodies to re-act using reflects. So by the time we have time to respond emotionally, the emergency has already passed and we have little to no “clean up” to do of the negative issues we might have created during the emergency.
This is what I call “planning for the worst, but expecting the best”. Planning for the worst-case scenario gives people a feeling of confidence if the worst possible event actually does happen. However, “expecting” the worst can cause nightmares, stomach ulcers, and added trauma when the actual event may never happen. So by expecting the best, you put positive vibrations into the Universe;
and, what goes around, comes around. Usually what actually happens, is somewhere between the worst and the best. Therefore, one can say, “Well, it could have been much worst” and we implement some of our “worst scenario” plans and we move on without skipping a beat in our lives.
With enough practice planning “worst case” procedures, the mind will go on “automatic pilot” (as it were) when surprise events catch us completely off guard.
Let’s take, for example, a scenario of being asked to speak in public. The reason I choose this example is that there are more people in the world that fear public speaking than those that fear death! Since people would rather die than to speak in public, I felt this was a good example.
The person unaccustomed to public speaking panics when suddenly asked to say a few words to a group. Why then, do some choose to join groups like the Toastmasters whose main goal is to speak to groups? Because they know that practicing that which they fear most, will give them more confidence to face those panicky situations in the future. They have, in effect, planned for the worst.
That is an example of a one to one correlation. Planning for a particular event, and having that same event come to pass. What about those events in life for which there is no plan? Would that same Toastmaster be better able to deal with the sudden kidnapping of a loved one, for example? This is certainly an event for which the average person would not think to prepare. The Toastmaster’s readiness to speak in public may aid in their ability to speak effectively to the media, but what about dealing with the personal, emotional trauma?
If they are the type of person that has regularly planned for the worst, they will automatically go into planning mode. Most people who have experienced a devastating trauma, say there are two subjects that are the most difficult with which to deal. The first is “the not knowing” (in this case, not knowing what became of the loved one; are they alive or dead?); the second is feeling helpless. Most trauma experts now recognize that keeping busy aids family members with the helplessness, and give them something constructive to do even if the result of that activity will never be used. The “not knowing” issue is usually resolved only through time. Gathering information during that period, however, is essential for human comfort.
The person experienced in the art of “planning for the worst” would automatically begin making plans. In the example of a kidnapping, this person might automatically call the police, then call other family members for information and support, then find photos of the victim for easy identification, then make a plea through the media, then begin “damage control” toward those who might think that same family member actually killed the victim and hid the body. And so the planning goes until all that can be planned and implemented has been and time has passed. Because time has passed, more information has come in further helping the family to see progress in the situation and cope with the trauma.
Now let us look at this same experience under less planned events. The person unaccustomed to planning for the worst would, undoubtedly panic. This sets in motion a chemical response within the body, which stimulates the motor functions (the fight or flight response) while depriving the brain of resources sending them to the muscles instead (believing thought to be unnecessary at a critical time like this). Now it is even more difficult for this person to think clearly. They may hesitate; they may call family or friends first, thus extending the time the perpetrator has. Then when the police do arrive, this family member looks more guilty of having a part in the crime. This causes more time to be delayed in investigating the wrong suspect. Now there has been irreparable harm done to the situation and instead of welcoming a victim home in one piece, they may now be faced with criminal charges and planning a funeral. Thus, more trauma, and more potential mistakes.
So, how do we learn to “expect the unexpected”? We do it through practice. This practice must come during less traumatic times in our lives. We make decisions every day that have the potential to effect our lives for a very long time. Let’s take the simple event of driving to work in the morning. There are usually between 2-4 different routes we can take, and we must decide which one might have less traffic, which might have fewer accidents, or which has fewer red lights. Most of us don’t think about planning for the unexpected such as, being involved in an accident ourselves. Those who do plan for these unforeseen events, do a lot of “What if . . . “ role-playing in their minds.
For example, daily on their way to work, they might say to themselves, “What if I get smacked into by that car now clearing the intersection? Well, he is traveling at about 45 miles per hour. I am traveling at 35, so I would expect my passenger door to be dented into the seat. Since I have no passengers with me, there is little to worry about. I am wearing my seatbelt, so I might get a couple of bruises, but for the most part, the car would take the most impact. I would, however, have to find alternate transportation to work, and explain to my boss why I am late.”
Once at work, this person runs through more “head games”. “What if I slip on that floor marked ‘WET’? I might throw my back out, then I would have to find a ride to the hospital and then home where I would have to make arrangements to have my needs met until my spouse arrives.” By this time, a coworker would undoubtly say something like, “Are you listening to me?” and bring our “planner” back down to Earth. After several days of this type of thought process and planning, our “planner” is now ready to weather most unexpected events. The mind can be trained with this type of exercise just as the body can be trained to accept unexpected physical stresses.
My husband and I are both “planners”. We are currently “weathering a storm” neither of us had expected. The reason we seem to be weathering it so well, is because we both immediately kicked into our innate need to control our surroundings. We both immediately knew we would need more information, so he took on the job of gathering that information. We also knew that we would need to do “damage control” to minimize the effects of the event on our lives. I took on that job. Now that time has passed and we now have more information, we are able to make more plans. Each stage has plans that can be made. The natural reaction that we both had to curb, however, was to make plans before their time. These plans were irrational; born of fear, and a strong emotional response. By staying together, we were able to calm each other and talk each other out of our fear-responses. Now, after 2 weeks, we are well on our way to recovering from our trauma.
I encourage each of you practice planning for the worst. While doing that, continue expecting the best, because that is what each of you deserve.
Go forth in love,
Andra
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