Question: When Did You First Start Crossdressing?

REBECCA SANDRA WATERS

Pretty TGirls Magazine Interview:

Question: When did you first start crossdressing?

Answer:Like many young boys, I was dressed up by my older sister, just as a supposedly innocent fun thing. I was 5 at the time, and she dressed me up in her ballerina outfit and got me to learn some dance routines of hers and perform them. It was purely fun and innocent at the time, and she even gave me some make-up and showed me how to pretend to be a girl with it on my own, and I went along with that as if it were just any other childhood game. When my brother found out about it, he strongly disapproved, so I stopped. But later on, once left to my own devices, I started secretly sneaking into my sisters’ and mother’s make-up and clothes again.

Question: Describe your early experiences dressing as a girl.

Answer: In many ways, it was completely non-sexual at the time, though in hindsight, I see it differently. I knew nothing about sex that early on in life, but there’s something fundamentally sexual about human beings that many people don’t realize. The real thrill of it at that young of an age was the fact that it was forbidden, that I wasn’t supposed to be doing it and was managing to get away with it. Little boys (or girls, for that matter) do that stuff all the time, and this was just my particular manner of misbehaving. As I got older and started developing sexually in early adolescence, it became more of an actual turn-on, emulating the young girls around me who were also just beginning to develop their identities. I secretly tried to be like them (in fact, sometimes this was to make up for not being able to get together with them, as I wasn’t particularly successful in the dating realm during my early teens), but I kept all of that to myself and was very secretive about it.

Question: At what age did you start using make-up and wearing wigs? How did you learn how to apply make up? Any tips for other TGirls? Brand of make up you use?

Answer: My very early experiments with my sisters’ and mother’s make-up during the single-digit years were mostly embarrassing and amateur, and I was caught a few times and punished for doing something supposedly so wrong. However, I was blessed with having two very attractive older sisters who prettied themselves up in the bathroom all the time (during their high school years), so I silently observed and absorbed what they were doing. In private, I did what they did and slowly learned how to make myself beautiful, too. I would occasionally sneak away their clothes and put them on along with make-up, and I loved how I looked. (Being petite like them certainly helped.) Years later (late teen-age years), I started buying my own dresses, make-up, and such, and I loved being a girl to the point that I had to go out driving to places out of town just to be seen.

I’m not really a good source of advice or tips for other T-girls, though. All I can say is pay attention to what other women are doing around you. Buying women’s fashion magazines can be a help, but be warned that the majority of those are just there to advertise products and convince you (and all women) that you’re not attractive enough and must buy more stuff in order to be so. And I’d definitely say that if you’re looking to pass as a woman, go for a scaled back, simple look, not an over-the-top too-much-make-up and fancy dress kind of thing. The point is to blend in, not stand out. Again, pay attention to what other women (G-girls) do.

Question: If you had your choice, what do like wearing the most when being a girl?

Answer: That’s an easy one: black pantyhose. I absolutely love the way that looks on a woman’s legs and have since I was about 12 or 13 and saw this commercial on TV in which a gorgeous woman is getting ready for a date with her boyfriend and puts on all of her make-up, clothes, and everything, and the guy (driving the car the commercial is adveritising, of course) picks her up and she gets so damn pretty and dressed up for him. That commercial defined a lot of my sexual identity, I’ll freely admit. Little black dress, black pantyhose, black high heels, long brown hair, perfectly made-up face: that’s the way to be.

Question: Now a bit of personal information ... What is your marital status? A sensitive area for some girls, but ... how old are you now? Does anyone know you are a TGirl? What country do you live in?

Answer: Single. I haven’t yet managed to land a “life partner,” male or female, who is okay with me. I’ve dated a lot, but nothing has every worked out long-term. For the most part, I’m still looking for that perfect woman, that is, some probably impossible imaginary woman who is okay with all of my trans fantasies and past and who would like for me to be Rebecca with her from time to time. Maybe I don’t even really want that, but I imagine it sometimes. Although I’ve never voluntarily told a girlfriend that I’m trans, there was one many years ago who figured it out and asked me, so I told her the truth. Things didn’t work out with us, either. Oh, and I’m in my early 30s and live in the southeastern US.

Question: Have you ever gone out as a girl? If so, tell us what the first time is like and how you feel being out in the world as a girl.

Answer: I first went out when I was a junior in high school, and I just drove around feeling nervous most of the time. As I got older and more experienced (including learning to look more passable), I went out more often and learned to enjoy it more and have fun. I would interact with people at gas stations, fast food restaurants, malls, etc., some of whom probably “read” me and some who I know had no idea that I was anything other than a pretty young woman. I found that I was more nervous being seen by other women than anything else, afraid that they definitely could “spot” me. Men, on the other hand, particularly older ones, tended to like me, and it’s always fun watching them fall all over themselves while at the same time trying to play it cool. Seeing how they acted towards me as a woman gave me some insight on how I should or should not act towards women in my “guy life.”

Question: Have you ever gone through a purge of your female clothing? If so, can you tell us why? How did it make you feel? How long before you went back to being a girl?

Answer: No, not really. When I was in my teens, I would feel guilty after dressing up and not do it again for months, but I’d always go back to it. I liked to imagine that there was some irresistible supernatural force making me do it, which I think is a pretty common fantasy for trans-people. (Since I was a child, my favorite moments in movies and TV shows have always been when the good guy gets taken over by something and forced to do things they normally wouldn’t.) But no, it was all me, and I came to accept that by the time I reached my 20s.

Question: What percentage of time do you spend as a girl?

Answer: Less and less the older I get, unfortunately. I had a really good streak going for over a year around 1996-1997 when I dressed up every single night and actually felt that being a guy during the day was the facade. I still lived with my parents and worked part-time, so I had to be a guy part of the time. Once I was out on my own, I always imagined that I’d dress up every second I could manage, but that didn’t happen. Being a grown-up meant that I had to be more responsible, and part of the problem with being Rebecca is that I have way too much fun when I do it and tend to be rather reckless. These days, I’m lucky if I do it once a month, and then I of course want to cram all of the enjoyment I can down into that one weekend.

Question: Have you ever considered moving towards becoming more of a girl physically with options like hormones, feminization surgery, breast enhancements, or SRS?

Answer: I did consider it during the above-mentioned “streak.” I’d read a lot of transgendered people’s bios on the internet and had gotten very involved in an online community dealing with transgender issues, but I never could figure out how I’d be able to afford to actually transition. My family definitely would not have supported me, and I wasn’t sure if my friends would or not, either. I gave it a trial run on Halloween night in 1997, going out with them as a girl, but the reaction was not very supportive. They were only okay with it if it was a joke, not if it was something I was really into. It wasn’t long after this that I stopped dressing up quite as often, and I realized over time that this really was just a fetish for me, not a way I’d want to live my life 24/7. Honestly, I think that if I’d done the mandatory psychiatric evaluation that all transes have to go through in order to transition, the doctor probably would have come to the same conclusion.

Question: Do you feel more like a boy or a girl now and why?

Answer: Well, if you mean right now, I’d say that the pink sweater, short black leather skirt, and black tights are a dead giveaway.

Question: Have you ever dated or wanted to date another TGirl or a man?

Answer: I’ve often thought that it would be wonderful to date a TGirl, but it’s never happened. As for regular men, I’m not terribly into that idea. I’ve had three physical (very physical, I mean) encounters with guys (two as Rebecca), and while it felt good at the time, I immediately felt weird about it once out of their presence. I used to consider myself bi and would tell people so, but now I think I’m more “bi in theory.” I love fantasizing about it, but not actually doing it. I think my ideal would be either a TGirl that I was comfortable with or a woman who was comfortable with me in both modes.

Question: Do you have any advice for other TGirls, especially ones that have yet to venture out as a girl?

Answer: Relax. Don’t overdo it. If you can just have fun and enjoy being you, others will pick up on that. Well, some of them anyway. Avoid situations where you’re more likely to run into intolerant people.

Question: How is your life now as a TGirl? What's gone well and not so well?

Answer: As I said, I don’t do it as often as I used to. The older I get, the harder it is for me to see myself as attractive and passable, which to me is the entire point. I’ve never been turned on by what I’ve heard called “genderfuck,” such as looking blatantly like a fat bearded old man in a dress. I used to tell myself when I was young that I wouldn’t keep doing this once I got to my 30s, but hey, what did I know? I’ll probably always do this, if for no other reason than I like how it feels, physically and mentally. Whether or not I do it for show (or even for the mirror) may be another question, but I’m not quite to that point yet.

I think my biggest regret is not getting out more when I was younger and finding other trans-people. There just wasn’t a very thriving community for that sort of thing where I grew up. There were times when I was able to go out to the local gay bar as Rebecca, but that never went well, as going to a bar by yourself rarely does. I wish I could have had a group of TGirl friends to go out with. I bet that would have been a blast.

Question: Anything else you'd like to say?

Answer: Just that there’s no point in denying who you are. Enjoy it and don’t be ashamed of it.