Pun – Filled Purim Spiel 1997
Stephen R. Balzac
Copyright (c) 1997 Stephen R. Balzac.
Permission granted to redistribute and/or use so long as this copyright remains attached.
1 Chapter 1 -- Vashti
Narrator
Rabbi Larri
Rabbi Josef
Rabbi Moe
Narrator: Good evening and welcome to the Book of Ester.
There are many tales of how the Book of Ester got its name.
According to one story, it was written several thousand years ago by an infinite number of gorillas. According to this theory, the Book of Ester was named for the leader of these gorillas,Megillah Gorilla.
Another theory observes that the Book of Ester opens with a description of party that lasted for 180 days. As anyone who ever organized a party knows, this is quite a megillah.
In any case, our story begins with Ahasuerus, the King of Persia and environs, and 126 other provinces, throwing a party that lasted for six months. The rabbis are still debating why the party lasted that long; the most common theory is that the Persians had had their fill of Mede, and were trying to avoid a hangover.
After the big party was over, the king threw a second, smaller party for everyone who was still standing. This party only included everyone in Shushan, the Capital. At the end of a week of serious drinking, the king ordered Vashti, his queen, to come and display her beauty before the royal court. Realizing that she hadn't a thing to wear, Vashti refused.
When Ahaseurus finally sobered up enough to realize that he'd spent the night alone, he was furious. For whatever reason, it never occurred to him to ask wherefore this night should have been different from all other nights. Thus, he called together his wise men, the seven princes of Persia and Media to seek their advice. The princes of Media were particularly upset since they had lostheavily in the ratings when Vashti didn't show.
Poor Vashti was sent into exile with a giant honeycomb upon her head, for, so claimed the wise men, the law decreed that she who disobeyed the king must be exiled and bee headed.
And that was the end of Vashti's story until, so the Talmud teaches us, the Rabbis chose to reexamine her case and found her guilt far greater than it had first appeared. Let us now return to the days of that fateful conversation between those three great Talmudic Scholars, Rabbi Larri of Mysogen, known as the Mysogenist; Rabbi Josef of Chauvan, known as the Chauvanist; and Rabbi Moe of Saxony, known as the Saxist.
Rabbi Larri: Wherefore can one show that the sin of Vashti was, in fact, composed of two sins? For it is written that the refusal of Vashti was an affront in the eye of the King, but before the royal court it was said that her sin was most grievous in the King's eyes. If we may assume that the King had, at most, two eyes, then was her sin composed of two sins.
Rabbi Josef: How can one show that each sin of Vashti was as 32 sins? For it is written that the refusal of Vashti pained the King as the loss of a tooth, but before the royal court it is said that her defiance was like unto a kick in the teeth. Thus it was that her sins may be seen to be 32-fold.
Rabbi Moe: How may one show that the sins of Vashti are innumerable in number? For it is written that the refusal of Vashti was like unto tweaking the hair of the King's beard. But before the royal court, it is said that her defiance was like unto the pulling of his beard. From the use of the word "hair" we can conclude that
but a single hair was meant, whereas the word "beard" alone implies all the hairs of his chin. As no man can count the number of hairs upon his chin, it can be seen that Vashti's sins are beyond counting.
Rabbi Larri: Unless the King had shaved recently.
Rabbi Josef: Or was too young to have a beard.
Rabbi Larri: Or had had an unfortunate accident involving a lawn mower.
Rabbi Josef: That would explain why he was always hanging gardeners.
Rabbis exit, arguing.
Narrator: The three rabbis went on to form a famous Jewish rock group. Surely you've all heard of "A Band of Evil Angels?"
Narrator: What will King Ahaseurus do when he realizes that he's just lost his wife? Will he seek out a new queen? Find out in our next episode, "The Royal Beauty Pageant" or "Fine Silks and Polyesters."
2 Chapter Two -- The Beauty Pageant
Narrator
King
Servant
Mordecai
Esther
Airheaded Girl
Mother-in-Law
2 Guards (Bigthan and Teresh)
Narrator: After a few months, the king finally ran out of wine. This was a sobering experience.
King: Bring me another bottle of Ravenswood Zinfandel.
Servant: Sire, all that remains is this bottle of Chateaux de Mille Dieux, scarcely enough for one day. And it will take us at least eight days to bring in more wine.
Narrator: And so a great miracle occurred. The king regained possession of what, for lack of a better term, we will refer to as his wits and realized that he actually kind of missed Vashti.
King: I miss Vashti. Oh, whatever shall I do?
Servant: Sire, we will arrange a great beauty pageant, and all the virgins in the kingdom will come and parade themselves before you.
King: I don't want to just look at them!
Servant: You marry whichever one you find the most beautiful.
King: But won't their parents have something to say about that?
Servant: You are the king, Sire. You can do that sort of thing when you're the king.
Mordecai and Esther to one side
Narrator: And so a great beauty pageant was held. Girls from all over the kingdom were brought in, including Esther, a young Jewish girl raised by her uncle, Mordecai, son of Jair, son of Shimei, son of Knish. Fortunately, no one remembers the father of Knish, or this could go on all night.
Mordecai: And remember, tell no one that you are Jewish.
Esther: But Uncle, won't the king figure it out when I refuse to eat pork, keep separate dishes, and light candles on Friday night?
Mordecai: They don't say "King Dumb" for nothing, kid.
change to beauty pageant
Narrator: And so Esther went to the royal castle to await her turn before the king. Meanwhile, the beauty pageant wasn't exactly going according to plan.
Servant: And what is your greatest desire?
Girl (in a high, overly cheerful voice): I want to be a veterinarian and work for world peace.
Mother-in-Law: She wants to be queen, you chowderhead. Why do you suppose we're here? And another thing, I expect my daughter to well treated. I hear the king gets drunk as a lord, and that's no way to treat a nice girl. Furthermore...
Guards remove mother and daughter. Mother continues diatribe while being removed.
King: That's the 432nd prospective mother-in-law so far. I don't think I can take much more of this. One more, and you're dead.
Servant: Have no fear, Sire. The next girl is an orphan.
Narrator: And so it was that Esther found favor in the king's eyes, and he married her and made her his queen. Meanwhile...
Enter Mordecai
Mordecai: Oh my, two plotters against the king. I must hide myself lest they find me. I know, I shall disguise myself as a tree.
Mordecai stands, arms akimbo. Enter Bigthan and Teresh, ignoring Mordecai.
Bigthan: The King is a fink.
Teresh: We shall poison his drink.
Bigthan: With India Ink.
Teresh: It'll turn him pink.
Bigthan and Teresh exit.
Mordecai: This plot surely does stink; I'm off in a wink, to tell the queen what I think.
Narrator: And so it was that Bigthan and Teresh were apprehended, tried, and sentenced to death by a jury of poetry lovers. Mordecai's name was recorded in the King's big book of "People To Whom I Owe a Favor, But Because I'm King I Can Forget All About It."
Stay tuned for our next episode, "The Evil Wazir Was Here," or "Haman Eggs."
3 Chapter 3 -- Haman
Interviewer
Father Junipero Berry (a pompous and portentous man)
Narrator: And now we bring you tonight's edition of "Genocide Roundtable" with our special guest, Father Junipero Berry, well known candidate for sainthood. Father Berry's accomplishments include the forced conversion and slaughter of thousands of innocent people, clearly demonstrating his virtue and goodness.
Interviewer: Now, Father, I understand that Prime Minister Haman of Persia is being considered for sainthood. Could you tell us how this process works?
Father Berry: It's very simple. First you have to get yourself into a position of power over a large number of people. Then you have to pick a minority group to terrorize. After that it depends. Sometimes, simple oppression is sufficient. Other times, torture, exile, or genocide is called for.
Interviewer: And in Haman's case?
Father Berry: Well, he's going to have to go the full genocide route.
Interviewer: And why is that?
Father Berry: Well, for his obligatory minority group, Haman picked the Jews. That requires a bit more effort.
Interviewer: I'm not sure I understand.
Father Berry: Well, picking on the Jews is considered a low difficulty event, something of a no-brainer. Everyone does it. There just aren't that many points to be had there. Really, we were quite shocked when Haman selected them. It seemed like a real cop-out, hardly a brilliant or decisive move at all.
But, you know what they say, the devil is in the details.
Interviewer: Could you explain further, Father?
Father Berry: Setup and timing, my son. Not only did he decide to kill the Jews because of one man's refusing to bow down to him, he tricked the king into going along with it, and then drew straws to figure out when the deed would be done. Very bold, very bold indeed. Of course, all things considered, he didn't get many points for tricking the king, but the rest was quite creative.
Interviewer: I see. Thank you, Father Berry, for taking time from your busy schedule to speak with us.
Father Berry: You're welcome, my son. But now, I must be off to check on the stock market.
Interviewer: I didn't know you were into stocks.
Father Berry: I'm not. But it's a convenient place to keep prisoners.
Narrator: Tune in for our next episode, "Mordecai Gets The News," or "How to Make a Slow Jew Fast."
4 Chapter 4 -- Mordecai Gets The News
Haman
Narrator: In this chapter, Mordecai finds out Haman's evil plans. The action is entirely concerned with people tearing their clothing, pouring ashes over their heads, and in general weeping, moaning, and carrying on. Eventually, all the noise gets Esther's attention, and she tells them all to fast for three days, probably figuring
that if the Jews don't eat anything for three days, they'll at least be too tired to make any noise. If nothing else, that wouldgive her a little bit of peace and quiet to think of a plan.
So, while Queen Esther is thinking, we will present a brief explanation for why we eat hamantashen.
Now, it is written that Rabbi Eleazar of Hyrkanos, who had a mind like a stone cistern, a nose like the pump handle on said cistern, and whose ears resembled an undisclosed item of plumbing, was arguing with the High Priest in the days of the Holy Temple.
"If I am right," said Rabbi Eleazar, "may the congregation, on KolNidre, all donate to the temple without being asked." And because Rabbi Eleazar was correct, the congregation all donated money. But out of respect to the High Priest, they did not donate much. Said the High Priest, "The answer is not in the wallets of the congregation, neither in their checkbooks or visa cards."
Then quoth Rabbi Eleazar, "If I am right, may a complete nebbish with a name like unto a website be elected Prime Minister in Israel." And because Rabbi Eleazar was correct, Netanyahu, son of Yahoo, son of Netscape, was elected as Prime Minister of Israel. But out of respect for the High Priest, his government was rocked by scandal within a year. Said the High Priest, "Theanswer is not in Netanyahu, neither may it be found on the
World Wide Web, and especially not in Windows '95."
Then quoth Rabbi Eleazar, "If I am right, may there come into existence a kosher wine known throughout the entire world." And because Rabbi Eleazar was correct, it came to pass as he had said. But out of respect for the High Priest, the wine was Manichewitz Concord Grape. Said the High Priest, "The answer is not in the Manichewitz Concord Grape." And to this, even RabbiEleazar agreed.
Then did beads of sweat appear on the brow of Rabbi Eleazar, for under stress the stone cistern which was his mind did begin to leak around the edges. Quoth Rabbi Eleazar, "If I am right, may Haman's ears fall off his head and turn into pastries filled with fruit and poppyseed for the enjoyment of adults and children alike." And because Rabbi Eleazar was correct, and Haman's ears had respect for no one and nothing at all, it came to pass just as Rabbi Eleazar had said.
Haman: I've heard of calliflower ear, but this is a bit much.
Narrator: And Haman did attempt hide what had happened to him by putting his ears in his pockets, which, in ancient Persia were, for some strange reason, known as Tashen. But each day, when he awoke, his ears would have regrown, but each night, they would turn into hamentashen and fall off. Since the story of Esther
spans about nine years, this is a lot of hamentashen. After Haman's death, the hamentashen were found by the Jews, and eaten during their celebrations. Thus we also have an explanation for the Biblical verse: "oov-b'nayIsroeloch-lu et-Haman:" "And the children of Israel ate Haman."
Stay tuned for our next episode, "Esther Throws a Party," or "Life is a Cabernet."
5 Chapter 5 -- The First Party
King
Esther
Haman
Zeresh
Narrator: We now come to the party of the first part, wherein Esther finally approaches the king and invites him and Haman toa party.
King (waving his scepter around): Approach, Esther, and touchmy scepter.
Esther eventually grabs the scepter with one hand and touchesthe end of it with the other hand.
Esther: Was there a point to that, your Majesty?
King: When you can snatch the scepter from out of my hand thenyou will be rightwise the one who can pull the sword from out thepenguin. Uh, wait, I don't think that's quite right.
Esther: Have you been watching Kung Fu again, Sire?
King: Well, what else is there to do at night, just me and my...
Narrator: Yes, ever since the accident in the royal silk workswhere the king lost his web connection, he had nothing left to doat night but watch reruns of Kung Fu. That is, however, completelyunrelated to this story.
King: What wilt thou queen Esther? Even to half my kingdom,so long as it be the half that doesn't include the royal wineries,that I shall give unto thee.
Esther: Well, I was thinking of having a little party, just youand me...
King (excited): Ah!
Esther: And Haman...
King (downcast): oh.
Esther: And plenty of wine.
King (very excited): Ah! It shall be done as you request.
Esther leaves.
King: Haman! Where is Haman?
Haman enters.
King: The queen has asked that we come to her party. At firstI was most unhappy that she had invited you as well, but then Irealized, what could I do with the queen that I could not dowith you?
Haman: I cannot conceive, Sire.
Narrator: Later that day, at the queen's party...
King (somewhat drunkenly): And then his wife pointed at thefire place and said, "Alexander, the grate!"
Haman: Very funny, Sire.
King: Thank you Haman. I am trying to be witty more often.My advisors say I'm succeeding about half the time.
Haman: Yes, sire. You make an excellent half-wit.
Narrator: Haman and the King were soon drunk as lords. Then,tragedy struck. The king, quite drunk, choked on a blueberrycheese blintz with sourcream, and died.
Haman (aghast): The king is dead?
Esther: Oh no!
King: I'm not dead yet.
Haman: You're not?
King: Actually, I'm feeling much better.
Esther: It is a miracle.
King: And Esther, this is a marvelous party. Whatsoever thouwishes, even if your wishes be fishes filling half my kingdom,that shall be yours.
Esther: Your highness, tonight we only got through the whites.I have some wonderful red wines, a nice zinfandel, a few cabs,that I know you'll love. And this wonderful Sauterne...