Parenthood[1]
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even G-d's omnipotence did not extend to G-d's kids. After creating heaven and earth, G-d created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." G-d replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve ...we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!Where?"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said G-d.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said G-d, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later G-d saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, G-d's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
Bill Cosby
Outline
The First Commandment
After The Sin
Why Have Kids?
Parenting and Giving
The Fifth Commandment
***
The First Commandment
Test your Torah Trivia:
What was the very first instruction given to Adam and Chava (Eve)?
G-d blessed them and said to them“be fruitful and multiply, fill the land and conquer it; rule over the fish of the sea,
the birds of the heavens and over all living things that walk the earth”.
Genesis 1:28 / וַיְבָרֶךְ אֹתָם אֱלֹהִים וַיֹּאמֶר לָהֶם אֱלֹהִים פְּרוּ וּרְבוּ וּמִלְאוּ אֶת הָאָרֶץ וְכִבְשֻׁהָ וּרְדוּ בִּדְגַת הַיָּם וּבְעוֹף הַשָּׁמַיִם וּבְכָל חַיָּה הָרֹמֶשֶׂת עַל הָאָרץ
Similarly, the first instructions given to Noah after the flood include the following
And you, be fruitful and multiply. Populate the land and grow numerous in it.Genesis 9:7 / וְאַתֶּם פְּרוּ וּרְבוּ שִׁרְצוּ בָאָרֶץ וּרְבוּ בָהּ:
What does this indicate about having children?
Why have two instructions that seem to say the same thing?
Do you notice any differences between them?
According to the simple meaning, the first was a blessing; the second was a commandment[2]Rashi on Genesis 9:7 / לפי פשוטו הראשונה לברכה וכאן לצווי
Do you notice any indications in the verses themselves which would support Rashi’s explanation?[3]
Let us take a look at the context of the commandment to Noah:
On who spills the blood of a person, that persons’ blood shall be spilled; for in the image of G-d humans were formed. And you, be fruitful and multiply. Populate the land and grow numerous in it. / שֹׁפֵךְ דַּם הָאָדָם בָּאָדָם דָּמוֹ יִשָּׁפֵךְ כִּי בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים עָשָׂה אֶת הָאָדָם: וְאַתֶּם פְּרוּ וּרְבוּ שִׁרְצוּ בָאָרֶץ וּרְבוּ בָהּWhy are these ideas (spilling of blood and having children) put together in the same verse?
This is saying that even during a time when there is warfare and blood shed in the world, you should not consider this…rather you should be fruitful and multiply;do not say “why should we bring children into the world for them to be destroyed, it is better for them not to be born”. The verse is stressing that you should not consider this.
Meshech Chochmah / אמר כי אף בשעת שיש חרב ושפיכת דם הרבה אין לכם להביט ע"ז …רק אתם פרו ורבו
ולא תאמרו כי למה נלד לבהלה ולכליון מוטב שיהיה כלה מאליו אין לכם להביט ע"ז
According to this explanation, why were there two statements (one to Adam and Chavah and one to Noah) [4] How does this compare with Rashi’s explanation?
How does the Meshech Chochmah’s explanation relate to the Jewish people in the twentieth century?[5]
Consider also:
G-d blessed Noah and his family and instructed them to multiply and fill the earth, meaning that from now they should not fear putting their efforts for naught and having children to no purpose, like their antecedents, for fear that the land will be destroyed due to the evil of those who reside upon it.[6]Akeidat Yitzchak section 15 / שברך השם יתעלה את נח ואת בניו לאמר פרו ורבו ומלאו את הארץ, כלומר כי מעתה לא תיראו חתת ליגע לריק ולילד לבהלה על דרך כלל, כאביהם הראשון, עד שתפסד ארץ ומלואה מרעת יושבי בה
After The Sin
Think back to the first verse we saw:
… fill the land and conquer it;Genesis 1:28 / …וּמִלְאוּ אֶת הָאָרֶץ וְכִבְשֻׁהָ …
Where were Adam and Chava living when they were told to have children?
How do you know?
After they sinned…it was said to them to be fruitful and multiply…for if it were before they sinned it should have said “and fill the garden” (of Eden) for that is where they were living before they sinned.Chizkuni ad loc[7] / לאחר שסרחו...נאמר להם פרו ורבו...דאם קודם שסרחו נאמר עליהם היה לו לכתוב ומלאו את הגן שהרי דירתם היתה שם קודם שסרחו
Why would they be instructed to have children only after sinning?
After they sinned and had death decreed upon them they were commanded to propagate, for now they needed to multiply.Chizkuni ad loc[8] / לאחר שסרחו ונקנסה עליהם מיתה נאמר להם פרו ורבו לפי שהוצרכה לפריה ורביה
What other answers could one give?[9]
Why Have Kids?
What reasons can you think of[10] for the mitzvah of having children?
Consider these explanations:
The root of this mitzvah is so that the world will be inhabited, for G-d desires the world to be inhabited, as it says “it was not built for nothing; it was formed to be inhabited”.This is a great mitzvah which through it all other mitzvoth are fulfilled, for the mitzvoth were given to people, not to angels.[11]
Sefer HaChinuch (Mitzvah 1) / משרשי מצוה זו, כדי שיהיה העולם מיושב, שהשם ברוך הוא חפץ בישובו, כדכתיב [ישעי' מ"ה, י"ח] לא תהו בראה לשבת יצרה.
והיא מצוה גדולה שבסיבתה מתקיימות כל המצות בעולם, כי לבני אדם ניתנו ולא למלאכי השרת:
The main purpose of the mitzvah of having children is for people to leave over a blessing after their time, so that there should be a continued existence of the human race, generation after generation. This will sustain the world and through it the person becomes a partner with G-d in the creation.
Seder Hayom / משום שעיקר המצוה של פריה ורביה היא כדי להשאיר אחריו ברכה ויהיה קיום המין ודור הולך ודור בא והארץ לעולם עומדת ונעשה שותף להקדוש ברוך הוא במעשה בראשית
What are the differences between these two explanations?[12]
Parenting and Giving
Consider this Talmudic teaching:
A poor person is considered to be like dead.Someone without children is considered to be like dead.[13]
Nedarim 64b / עני חשוב כמת.
מי שאין לו בנים חשוב כמת.
How do you understand the comparison of a childless person to a dead person?
What do a childless person and a poor person have in common?
That a poor person is compared to one that has died is not because of the things that the poor person does not have.Rather it is because a poor person does not have the wherewithal to do good for others…
For this reason a childless person is compared to a dead person, for even though on the surface a childless person is lacking nothing, for all of the pleasures of the world are available to them[14], the nature of a person to do good for others is achieved principally by doing good for ones’ children, for children accept good from their parents more than any person accepts from another. Someone lacking this ability to do good for other people is considered to be like dead.[15]
Sichos Mussar (page 270) / העני שחשוב כמת, אין זה משום שחסר לו עצמו,
אלא משום שאין ביכלתו לתת לזולתו מאומה...
ומטעם זה חשוב כמת גם מי שאין לו בנים, אף שלכאורה מה חסר לו, והרי כל תענוגות העולם עומדים לרשותו, אלא שטבעו של אדם להיטיב בעיקר עם בניו, ואין אדם בעולם שיכול לקבל טובות כשם שיכולים בניו של אדם לקבל מאביהם, ובאין לו אפשרות זו להיטיב עם הזולת, הרי זה ג"כ חשוב כמת.
The Fifth Commandment
Another Torah Trivia question:
How many of the Ten Commandments can you name (it’s not easy!)?
Even harder: What is the Fifth Commandment?
Honor thy father and thy motherExodus 20:11 / כַּבֵּד אֶת-אָבִיךָ, וְאֶת-אִמֶּךָ
As we try to better understand this mitzvah, try to focus on how it can help shed light on parenting.
The root of this mitzvah is that it is fitting for a person to recognize and appreciate when someone has done something good for them, and a person should not be unappreciative and deny that good, for this is an absolutely abhorrent trait in the eyes of G-d and of people.A person should consider that his or her father and mother are the reason why they are in this world, and therefore it is fitting to do for them any honor and service possible, for they have brought you into the world, and expended great effort when you were young.[16]
Chinuch (mitzvah 33) / משרשי מצוה זו, שראוי לו לאדם שיכיר ויגמול חסד למי שעשה עמו טובה, ולא יהיה נבל ומתנכר וכפוי טובה, שזו מידה רעה ומאוסה בתכלית לפני אלהים ואנשים. ושיתן אל לבו כי האב והאם הם סיבת היותו בעולם, ועל כן באמת ראוי לו לעשות להם כל כבוד וכל תועלת שיוכל, כי הם הביאוהו לעולם, גם יגעו בו כמה יגיעות בקטנותו
And further:
When this trait is established in ones’ heart a person will proceed from this to recognize the good that G-d has done for them, for G-d is the person’s source and the source of our ancestors until Adam;G-d has brought us into the world and sustained us in all of our needs; G-d has fashioned our form and the completeness of our bodies;
G-d has given us a soul of understanding, for if not for our soul we would be like unintelligent animals.
Through this a person will evaluate in their thoughts how and how much it is proper to take care in their service of G-d.[17] / וכשיקבע זאת המדה בנפשו יעלה ממנה להכיר טובת האל ברוך הוא, שהוא סיבתו וסיבת כל אבותיו עד אדם הראשון, ושהוציאו לאויר העולם וסיפק צרכו כל ימיו, והעמידו על מתכונתו ושלימות אבריו, ונתן בו נפש יודעת ומשכלת, שאלולי הנפש שחננו האל יהיה כסוס בפרד אין הבין, ויערוך במחשבתו במה וכמה ראוי לו להזהר בעבודתו ברוך הוא:
Finally, consider this Talmudic teaching:
The Rabbis taught: It says, “Honor your father and mother” and it says, “Honor your G-d”. The Torah equates the honor of parents with the honor of G-d …this is appropriate for the three of them are partners. The Rabbis taught “There are three partners in a person: G-d, the father and the mother. When a person honors their father and mother G-d says “it is as if I a living amongst them and they are honoring me”.Kiddushin 30b / תנו רבנן נאמר כבד את אביך ואת אמך ונאמר כבד את ה' מהונך השוה הכתוב כבוד אב ואם לכבוד המקום …וכן בדין ששלשתן שותפין בו תנו רבנן שלשה שותפין הן באדם הקדוש ברוך הוא ואביו ואמו בזמן שאדם מכבד את אביו ואת אמו אמר הקדוש ברוך הוא מעלה אני עליהם כאילו דרתי ביניהם וכבדוני
In light of what we have learned, why does G-d view honoring parents as honoring Himself?[18]
How can being a parent thus help develop our relationship with G-d[19]?
1
[1] Although parenthood is an ideal in Judaism, this is in now way meant to belittle those who, due to circumstances beyond their control, do not have children. The Talmud (Shabbat 31a) records that one of the questions a person is asked after death is “did you involve yourself in having children”, not “did you have children” – in other words, ‘did you try to have children?’. A person who would like to build a family but for whatever reason is unable to is not viewed as neglecting this important mitzvah. He or she can still lead deeply meaningful lives and make enormous contributions to the Jewish community and the entire world.
[2] Notice how this emphasize what we mentioned in our first note – having children is a blessing. Those who receive this blessing should be very grateful, and be sensitive to those who do not have children.
[3] The first verse begins with the words “and G-d blessed them”. We can also say that the other things in the first verse (ruling over the fish etc. are not known to be commandments. It follows that the “be fruitful and multiply” in that verse is also not a commandment.
[4] According to this second explanation, both statements were commandments. Why the repetition? The mitzvah had to be reinforced to Noah because of the general mood after the great destruction of the flood.
[5] There were many beautiful families built from marriages that took place in the Displaced Persons camps in post WWII Europe. Despite the horrors the had endured, most Jews who survived did not give in to despair, but put their energies into overcoming the evils of the society they experienced by rebuilding. Compare this also to the actions and statements of Amram and Miriam in Egypt (see the course on Women in Tanach, ‘Miriam’ for more)
[6] After the destruction of civilization in the flood, there may have been a feeling that there is no hope for society. G-d had to stress to Noah not to make these calculations but to rebuild what was lost.
[7] The verse says “and fill the land”, the implication being the entire world. Before the sin of the Tree of Knowledge Adam and Chavah lived only in the Garden of Eden.
[8] Now that they became mortal beings, it was necessary for them to have children in order to assure the continuation of the human race.
[9] Before eating from the Tree of Knowledge, Adam and Chavah had an innocent perspective on sexuality. They were unclothed and were not embarrassed. Afterwards, the first thing they did was to clothe themselves, showing that their view of sexuality had changed. Perhaps we can say that the need to elevate the sexual relationship through the mitzvah of procreating only became necessary when Adam and Chavah had a full understanding of how sexuality could be used to destructive ends.
[10]As we have seen in this course, while a full understanding of any Divine commandment is beyond human capabilities, we can indeed try to understand at least part of a mitzvah.
[11]Similarly, there is another Biblical verse expressing the ideal of building a family:
He is the Lord; He has formed the land and established it; He has not built it for nothing, He has formed it to be inhabited; I am the Lord there is no other.Isaiah 45:18 / הוּא הָאֱלֹהִים יֹצֵר הָאָרֶץ וְעֹשָׂהּ הוּא כוֹנְנָהּ לֹא תֹהוּ בְרָאָהּ לָשֶׁבֶת יְצָרָהּ אֲנִי יְהֹוָה וְאֵין עוד
What differences may there be between the commandment of “be fruitful and multiply” and the ideal expressed in “it was formed to be inhabited”? The Talmud (Yevamot 62a) teaches:
היו לו בנים ומתו רב הונא אמר קיים פריה ורביה רבי יוחנן אמר לא קיים רב הונא אמר קיים משום דרב אסי דאמר רב אסי אין בן דוד בא עד שיכלו כל נשמות שבגוף…ורבי יוחנן אמר לא קיים פריה ורביה לשבת יצרה בעינן והליכא / If someone had children and they died…Rabbi Huna said that the person has fulfilled the mitzvah of having children because of what Rabbi Assi said, fro Rabbi Assi said, “the son of David (the messiah) will not come until all of the souls of the body are finished”. Rabbi Yochanan said that the person has not fulfilled the mitzvah because the world was formed to be inhabited and this has not been accomplished.The Mishna (Eduyot 1:13) states:
The world was only created so that people should multiply, as it says “it was not built for nothing; it was formed to be inhabited”. / וַהֲלֹא לֹא נִבְרָא הָעוֹלָם אֶלָּא לְפִרְיָה וְרִבְיָה, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ישעיה מה) לֹא תֹהוּ בְרָאָהּ, לָשֶׁבת יצרהThis statement can also be understood based on what we have learned before. If the purpose of creation is so that people will serve G-d, and the parent/child relationship is the first step in that direction, then building a family helps to fulfill the purpose of the world.
Why does the Mishna quote the verse from Isaiah and not the verses from Genesis?It is only in the verse in Isaiah that stresses the point that building a family is the purpose of creation.
[12] The Seder HaYom emphasizes the aspect that through procreating we become partners with G-d in creation. This places this mitzvah in the context of the general principle that we are meant to emulate G-d. In other words, G-d created, and so should we! The first explanation focuses more on filling the planet, seemingly to enable as many people as possible to fulfill their spiritual potential, and do as many mitzvot as possible.
[13] See the source indicated for other examples of those who are considered to be ‘dead’ (ie that part of their potential cannot be activated)
[14] Even more so than other people, for those unburdened by the responsibility of parenting have more freedom to do what they wish. Please take a look at the first note on this session, if you haven’t already.
[15]The essence of life is to extend beyond ourselves to better the world. The best opportunity for this, in terms of both the quantity and quality of giving, is in the parental role. Please see the first note on this session if you haven’t already.
[16] According to this, the mitzvah of honoring ones’ parents is an end in and of itself: parents have invested time, energy and resources into their children, the children must recognize and appreciate that.
[17] According to this, the child/parent relationship is supposed to help build the framework for the relationship the child will have with G-d. The parent is the first authority figure the child encounters, how the parent treats the child will affect how the child deals with all forms of authority throughout life, including G-d, the ultimate authority.
[18] Honoring ones’ parents is the first step towards honoring G-d, for developing the feelings of appreciation for those who have brought you into the world will evolve into feeling appreciation for G-d, who brought us into the world and sustains us in it.
[19] After experiencing firsthand the amount of physical and emotional investment involved in raising a child, a parent is in a unique position to properly appreciate what G-d does for them. This can inspire a greater feeling of love for G-d than was had before becoming a parent.