THE CONCEPT OF A TOOLBOX
A toolkit contains an array of resources to help us cope with those moments when we feel discouraged, tired, sad, anxious, or bored. These uncomfortable moments will happen whether we are single or not, but often if we are “single” we may blame the bad feelings associated with the ups and downs of life on “being single.” (See “If only…”)
A toolbox contains an array of resources to help us cope with those moments when we feel discouraged, tired, sad, anxious or bored. These uncomfortable moments will happen whether we are single or not, but often if we are “single” we may blame the bad feelings associated with the ups and downs of life on “being single.” (See “If only…”)
Some of our feelings are a reaction to some of the disappointments and challenges that can accompany being single. Sometimes, we may not like going home alone, or having to pay a single supplement. Sometimes we may wish we didn’t have to plan so much. These are feelings we may need to accept, understand, and work with. When we can talk about these moments, feel understood and less alone, the negative feelings and thoughts often lose their power.
WHY DO WE NEED A TOOLBOX?
Let’s begin by sharing some of the typical “rainy day” situations that many single people describe:
Sometimes these rituals celebrating romance and marriage are just difficult!
It’s Valentine’s Day, is everyone in love?
I love my friends and want to be at their weddings, but how many bridesmaids’ dresses can I afford?
WhatThe what is wrong with me that I am not dating, partnered, or have just broken up with someone again?
1. So, is there anyone special in your life? You’re so attractive and nice, how is it that you are not married?
2. Are you sure you don’t want to give him more of a chance? We all think he is great!
So, is there anyone special in your life? You’re so attractive and nice, how is it that you are not married?
Are you sure you don’t want to give him more of a chance? We all think he is great!
4. How come it has seemed so easy for some of my friends to meet someone, fall in love, and get married? Why doesn’t it work for me? What should I do differently, is there something wrong with me?
Maybe you are being too rigid (too flexible), too picky (not picky enough).
5. Oh, no. Valentines day is approaching. I thought by this year I would really have a partner. Oh, my birthday is coming up-who is going to remember? Oh dear, it’s Mother’s Day- why do they get the celebrations? Why am I not a mother? What is wrong with me?
How come it has seemed so easy for some of my friends to meet someone, fall in love, and get married? Why doesn’t it work for me? What do differently, is therewrong with me?6. I’m tired from a long week, and I just want to curl up at home this weekend. But I feel like I should make plans.
Oh no, should I be doing something else?
7. Maybe I should be farther along in my life (e.g. buying a house, getting an MBA, married, taking trips?anything. It would be so nice to come home, and have someone there (without having to make plans.) Oh, it would be nice to have someone to clean up with me and debrief after the party.
I’m tired from a long week and I just want to curl up at home this weekend but I feel like I should make plans.
The “oh no”, am I pathetic or a bother issues:
Maybe I should be farther along in my life (e.g. buying a house, getting an MBA, being married, taking trips, having children…fill in the blank).
8. Everybody already has friends. They don’t want to include me!
Oh no, am I pathetic or a bother?
9. My friend invited me for Thanksgiving, but I don’t want to intrude on her family again.
Everybody at the table will be couples. I don’t want to disrupt the seating pattern.10. I would love my friend to stay after the party and help me clean up, but Iinclude me!
My friend invited me for Thanksgiving, but I don’t want to intrude on her family again.
She has her own busy life and problems; she doesn’t want to hear from me!
I would love my friend to stay after the party and help me clean up, but I don’t want to put him out.
12. Gee, I wish there was someone here to help with…the car, the tile repair, make a nice home cooked meal together, help me run the errands, help me clean up and debrief after the party. Sometimes it’s tiring doing it all alone!!
Oh dear, I wish I didn’t have to take care of everything.
13. Why am I always expected to be the one who stays late, because the others have to run home to their family.
Gee, I wish there was someone here to help with…the car, the tile repair, make a nice home cooked meal together, help me run the errands, help me clean up and debrief after the party. Sometimes it’s tiring doing it all alone!!
Why am I always expected to be the one who stays late because the others have to run home to their families?
The “sometimes I feel some things are missing in my life” issues?
I get sick of always having to make plans in order to get together with people!
It would be so nice to come home and have someone there without having to make plans.
Oh, it would be nice to have someone to clean up with me and debrief after the party.
15. Gee I miss being held, touched, physical affection and intimacy. I wish there was someone to cuddle with.
Sometimes I feel things are missing in my life.
16. If I see one more couple walking their children in the park this morning, I am going to tear my hair out.
Gee I miss being held, touched, physical affection and intimacy. I wish there was someone to cuddle with.
If I see one more couple walking their children in the park this morning, I am going to tear my hair out.
1. First, create your “dreaded” list that includes situations that are the most difficult for you. You will then construct a set of procedures to follow and resources to use when you encounter each of these situations.
HOW DO WE BEGIN TO STOCK OUR TOOLBOX?
2. Then begin to add your tools and procedures for each “dreaded” situation.
We can start by taking the following steps:
3.The first most important tool that belongs in your ToolBox, no matter who you are, or what you are dealing with, is acceptance. Acceptance of your feelings and experience as feelings and experience (not necessarily as reality). In order to be accepting of yourself, you need to both Remove the judgment and shame (e.g. I’m stupid to feel this way, and examine the meaning or interpretation you are putting to an experience.
1. Create your “dreaded” list that includes situations that are the most difficult for you. Then construct a set of actions (see below) to follow and resources to use when you encounter each of these situations. Begin to apply your tools for each “dreaded” situation.
Judgments and interpretations amplify the pain rather than help us get through it. Acceptance neutralizes shames, and allows us to take actions that are more grounded, and not just “reactive” or “band-aid” solutions to get away from the upset.
2. Acceptance is the most important tool that belongs in your toolbox, no matter who you are or what you are dealing with; in other words, accepting any feelings and experience as your feelings and experience (not necessarily as reality). In order to be accepting of yourself, you need to remove the judgment and shame (e.g. I’m stupid to feel this way), and identify the meaning or interpretation you are giving an experience. Judgments and interpretations amplify the pain rather than help us get through it. Acceptance neutralizes shame and allows us to take actions that are more grounded, and not just “reactive” or “band-aid” solutions to get away from the upset.
3. Create a list of actions that allow you to:
4. Then, create a list of actions that allows you to:
Feel prepared to face the situation.
If you dread the baby shower that you know you also need to attend, think through a plan that will help you feel that you are taking care of yourself and your needs. The plan might include: 1)an escape plan if you feel bad;, 2) a way of “framing” the situation that allows you to feel more engaged and productive (e.g. I want to make some contacts for my new business); or), having3) the number of a friend to call if you need to get connected.
Pamper, replenish or soothe yourself.
WritingFor example, writing in a journal helps many people soothe themselves and gain perspective. (Seesee Journaler’s Clearinghouse.) Others feel better and soothed after a long walk or other form of exercise.. Write down what works for you.
Get outside of your thinking and into the present.
You Otherwise you can ruminate and go ‘round and ‘round endlessly if you don’t get outside of your own thoughts.. Some people can do this by connecting with others (e.g. talking with a friend, reading about a similar experience someone else has had, praying). Others feel better about themselves when they get in action and take charge (e.g. working out, cleaning the back room, volunteering).).. Write down the list of things that help you get out of the cycle of negative feelings and thoughts.
Stay in communication.
KeepHaving a list of people you can call and, talk to. Others mayOr for those who find it helpful to pray or connect, connecting with their “spiritual partner.”(See “Creative Connections” and “Solo and Spiritual.”)
· Connect with the future that you are creating.
CreateTo prepare for this, create a list of your goals and experiences you would like to have in your life. Write down the top ten. When you hit a rough patch, you want to take out your list, and, being as specific as possible, write downlist the next steps that you can take right now that will get you closer to one of your goals. Then, commit to taking the next step. For example, if you ultimately want to join a reading group, just doing the research can help you feel better.
· Finally, think of other strategies that have worked in the past.
· List what has been helpful to you the past when you felt down. Such tools might include a list of sayings or slogans, a favorite place you go to feel restored, a special coffee shop you like to sit in.
MAKING USE OF YOUR TOOLBOX
Once you have gone through the steps above,The idea is that you will have already thought through the possible bumps in the road and rehearsed how to handle them. When the time comes to use your tools, you will have them available and ready. To further explore strategies for Resilience and Coping, see Resources and Links, as well as Journalers’ Clearinghouse.