STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTERS - 2011
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
December 2010 Volume 9, Issue 114
BUY YOURSELF A HOLIDAY GIFT—THE GIFT OF PEACE OF MIND
Okay, it’s true. I’m not much of a salesperson. I never push my books even though I have five of them written about the topic of straight/gay marriages. I believe that when people are ready to read the truth, they’ll have a mini-library of Bonnie Kaye books to collect. But the one book that I wish my readers would buy is my book “Straight Talk” which is a collection of my best newsletters from the time I started writing them nearly 10 years ago. This is my favorite book because I cover almost every issue that you, the straight wife, are facing in life. There is also a section of letters from women experiencing exactly what you are going through no matter who you are or where you live. Women who have read this book have written to me about the comfort they feel after they read it because it gives them the clarity and validation that were searching for throughout the process of Gay Husband Discovery and Gay Husband Recovery. So if you want to give yourself a present this month, please buy this book. You’ll find it the best gift of sanity that you can buy. You can order it via my website at You’ll be thanking me after you read it!
HI HO THE MISTLETOE
Once again, the holiday season is upon us. To all of the members of my support network—the wonderful women and the conscionable gay men, let me wish you a peaceful holiday season. I think it would be callous of me to say a “happy” holiday because that would be really stretching it for too many of you who are in the midst of “holiday turmoil” trying to figure out how to “fake it” so you can “make it” through another holiday season without yelling out “Bah Humbug.”
To those of you who are either lingering in your state of “limbo” or making plans for your future freedom, the “ho, ho, ho’s” of the season must feel pretty flat. That’s how I used to feel during the holidays when I was married to my gay husband--looking around at all of the beauty of the season while lingering in the ugliness of my home life.
The good news is that many of you have moved on to a better place and space. I know you have because I read letters daily from women who now see how wonderful life can be when they stop dancing in what my co-therapist Misti calls the “circle of crazy.” Once you remove the distorted illusions that make you feel like you’re living in the world of Alice in Wonderland, you’ll realize that the sun really does rise every morning and sets at the end of the day. As simple as that statement may sound, when you’re living in a world of entrapment, you even question the simplest concepts like that.
So, here is my holiday message to all of you that I like to bring home as much as possible. Please make it your daily mantra:
Life was never meant to be this complicated.
It’s a simple statement. It explains every question you have ever written to me about. No matter where you stand in the pool of murkiness, barely floating or drowning, this is the answer to all of you who have doubts. There are some of you who continue to linger in the shadows of the valley of doubt. No proof yet. No proof maybe ever. I say the ONLY proof you need is that you’re not happy or fulfilled in your marriage.
There are so many other issues that will come up in life that will be complicated that you’ll be forced to face. These issues include health issues, financial problems, and mother/fatherhood. These are the problems all of us have limited control over. But marriage to a gay husband? That you have control over.
How many of you reading this newsletter can look back to last year’s holiday season and say, “I am still in the same place I was last year”? Yikes--that means you have lost another year of your life that you can never get back. But at the same time, look how many of you can say, “What a difference a year makes” because you moved ahead in your lives and took your life back. There are many of you. I know this from my support chat and support network.
For those of you still living in “ limbo land,” realize that you are in a better place than many other women because at least you have the courage to read my words each month. That says a lot for you. It says that you are refusing to give up the battle and throw in the towel. It says that in time, you will be free. You won’t have to keep worrying about crushing those eggshells you are walking on each day. No more “gaylighting” from husbands who would rather make you think you are crazy than to accept the responsibility of loving you enough to tell you the truth about their homosexuality. No more confusion about the “problems” in your marriage that YOU are accused of creating. No more wondering why your husband would prefer not to touch you than to touch you. No more making excuses for medications causing him erectile dysfunction while he is watching gay porno on the Internet. No more anti-depressants to even out your mental state so you can survive on a day to day without being able to move out of bed. Yep—the “freedom train” is a runnin’, and you just have to take a leap of faith to get on board. You may have missed the train leaving today, but there’s always a new train running tomorrow. Make a plan to you can schedule a seat for yourself. That’s the best holiday gift you can give yourself. Never believe it can’t happen—if you want it, it will happen.
For all of my women who are spending their first or second holidays alone, expect to feel twinges of sadness. That’s NORMAL. Some of you had wonderful marriages and miss what you had. Others had horrible marriages but still miss what they wanted to have. The first year or two is a “getting over the hump” holiday period. This is a time for you to make what Misti calls “new traditions.” Do something totally different to take your mind off of what you used to do. Volunteer for the day somewhere that will make you feel valuable like in a hospital or shelter. If you’re artistic, create something beautiful that will make you feel good. I am so, so amazed at how many unbelievable artists there are in this group. I am always in awe when I see your beautiful creations. I’m also so jealous, and I’m the first to admit it! Rent some comedies to watch on the holiday that will make you laugh. Take on a new project that you’ve been putting off for a while just to distract you. Try to make this holiday about YOU and not about HIM.
At the start of the New Year, I would like to give special thanks to a few people who make this work so much more valuable to me. First, I thank my co-therapist Misti who really is there for our women. Misti has a calming influence on many of our women who need an advocate in restoring what was lost to them. Misti donates hours of her time each week working to better the quality of life to our ladies. Next, I thank my true hero, Doug, who is always there to help any man or woman through this time. Doug’s wisdom, support, and articulation of the situation have made the road a smoother one for people in turmoil. Doug is a true blessing to all of us. I can call on him anytime to help anyone who is in need of support, and he is there immediately. I’d like to thank my women who come to my support chat. Some of you are there as advocates to our newer women. All of you show me week in and out how strong you can be.
I would also like to thank the women who continue to contribute to my monthly newsletter with your stories so that other women can feel they are not alone. A special thanks to Wendy for her lists these years. So many women felt the disconnect that Wendy wrote about. Also, a special thanks to our women who have called into our weekly Straight Wives radio show to share their stories. It always is a pleasure to have you join us and express your feelings.
Thank all of you who send me letters of thanks and appreciation. It always validates the work that I do to help our women move out of the dark and into the light. And don’t forget—a New Year is dawning. It’s a time for a renewal of hope. Without hope, there can be no progress. Keep moving “straight” ahead!
MAILBAG
Dear Bonnie,
My 2 cents worth: I think kids now a days are a lot more savvy and tolerant of the gay acceptance, than the older generation.
Besides, children are the first to know when there is trouble w/ the parents marriage. Their family's survival is dependent on the marriage being intact. My kids already suspected about their dad and were not shocked or very upset, at all. Their dad is their dad, straight or gay. For their purposes they still have their dad and don't really put too much stock into his private, sex life. It was like: "We know dad, and we don't care." These kids were late teens and early 20's, so a certain amount of maturity was on their side.
Plus, my being raised in a loving and caring family, definitely helped. It was me, the mom/wife who did the suffering and angst. Most importantly, it was the deception that devastated me. 25 years of marriage, I wondered what else he might be hiding .
Trust melted like butter. I clung to the "Serenity prayer," andthen on to re-invent myself and being single, again. It was way, way much easier for the kids to accept and move on. For all rights and purposes they still have their dad.
Diana, "Blew out of the water," in Washington.
Bonnie,
Thanks as always for the wonderful support and expertise you so selflessly share. You helped me tremendously one desperate lonely lost weekend about 3 years back. I will always be eternally grateful that you were there - instantaneously - to answer my initial email and all the follow-ups that weekend. In January it will be 5 years since my divorce. My ex paid me maintenance for just 4 years, complaining bitterly the entire time - after 34 years of marriage, 38 years together all told. Now as of Sept.1 he is retired and has moved across the country to CA with his wife. I am turning 60 today. For 60 years we have lived in the same city, whether we moved or not we were always in the same place. Now all I know is he is living in CA - somewhere. I shouldn't even care. It just feels weird. I am writing in response to the folks who say we must have known they were gay before marrying these men. I was 12 years old when I met him, 15 when we started going together. He presented himself as a strong virile young man. I came from a home with an abusive, authoritarian, brutal father. This young man was my knight in shining armor - the one I always dreamt about as a little girl - the one who would come and save me from the monster in our house.
As I said, he was strong and virile, a talented gymnast. He was attentive and protective. I fell in love. He said he loved me too and soon we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Being good Catholic kids we never went "all the way" but we sure came close many times. He went away to college, for 3 years we lived for the weekends every 4-6 weeks when he could come home. Summer before his senior year we wed. I remember worrying the week before the wedding that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle his needs if they were nightly - I thought I would become exhausted. But I decided to just do the best I could to keep up with him. Starting with the wedding night. After 4 years of waiting, I was so expectant and ready to surrender my everything to him. Instead it turned out to be a confusing painful obligatory kind of experience. Our 2-week honeymoon was cut in half because he couldn't wait to get back to our apartment and his senior year of school. So we struggled through that first year, both of us in school and working and me always waiting, trying to be the perfect wife - but he wanted nothing to do with sex with me except on rare occasion when he would give in. After long nights of studying he would turn his back to my attempts. He would berate me for having something wrong with me because he said I wanted it all the time – but in reality he rejected me night after night - I was just trying to please him, to love him, to be a good wife. Two months into our marriage during a huge fight, of which there were getting to be many, he sat crying on the bathroom floor and said we were "doomed" simply because we got married - and he said if I ever quoted him he would deny ever saying it. That it turns out was the ONLY moment of honesty in my marriage, and I was never allowed to know what he meant by it. I did bring it up, many times, and he could never tell me what he meant. If we could have continued that thought, have an actual honest conversation, we could have spared ourselves a lot of grief. But it was not to be - ever. Graduate school was more of the same but I tried to break through his tough barriers. My sexual self - esteem was nil by then. Later his constant response when I asked him what the problem was, always was "I have no problems, except you, you're my only problem." There were a few slight clues or indications during those years but he always had an explanation - school, stress, wrong number... And I always chose to believe him. To believe otherwise was just too insane...and terrifying!
Then there was sex to make babies - two, and he completed his graduate work. Inexplicably, after 9 years of neglect and rejection he evidently wanted sex, but he could never show me, approach me, sweet-talk me - nothing. Then when he would verge upon some obscure point of frustration, he would descend into what I called his "black moods". There would be terrible fighting for a week, mostly him complaining about his not getting his "just rewards". Then just as suddenly he was fine again and sorry. That went on every few months for years, yet he could never give me any insight into what was going on with him at those times - except it was always my fault in some way. So it came to a point where we had been married 32 years - I might say of hell - but at the time I wouldn't admit that to myself. I would say we loved each other, would never leave each other, could trust our lives with each other - we just couldn't really communicate very well with each other. I thought things were sometimes pretty bad but if nothing else, we were in it together - forever. That had become an integral word between us "forever", Every card was always signed with that word, for both of us. I believed it. I was naive...blind...in denial.
In 2003 during a trip to my gynecologist, the Dr. looked at my vagina and said "Well this is viral, have you had any new partners lately?" Having only been with my husband my entire life, I thought he must be mistaken - in the end he was, a misdiagnosis - but by then my marriage was over - I just didn't want to see it. Eventually, the man I thought I knew as well as anyone could, started to spill out his secret life and I was in shock. If anyone would have asked me at that time, I would have said at worst he may have experimented with a few men in the early days of our marriage, but never, NEVER, would I have thought it was going on presently, under my nose - and I didn't know a thing. Apparently he was active in the middle of the day, taking a long lunch or whatever, but I never saw any of that. He said he had been going to the adult bookstore and "allowing men to perform oral sex on him". I was as I said, in shock staring at the walls for days. He went so far with his sudden disastrous disclosures as to email our daughter at her workplace with those very words - followed by his 6 siblings all at their workplaces too, telling everyone he "allowed men to perform oral sex on him." His excuse to all of them was that he was sexually frustrated - I think indicating it was my fault of course. He waited to tell our son until he graduated so as not to upset his finals, then he called him into his office and handed him the same letter he emailed everyone else. My son was devastated. His relationship with his father has never recovered - especially when my ex decided to leave me - his way of telling his son was "yep, I'm outta here! Hope we can still be friends!" His daughter, to his fortune, still tries to have some kind of relationship with him. I haven't seen him since the divorce and I know now I am better off without him. I sum it up as - I only had one man in my life - and he apparently had hundreds, so I had them all too in all honesty. That is enough men for me forever. I love much about my new life now, yet I still believe he ruined my life and destroyed our family. Me, my kids, and my new grandson are trying and succeeding at creating a new family with new traditions, but it hasn't been easy or painless.