A Couple Had Been Happily Married for Years. the Only Friction in Their Marriage Was The

Turkey Guts

A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to let rip. Then one Sunday morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She went upstairs where her husband was

sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey gut into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting followed by a bloodcurdling scream and sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself

as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back. About 20 minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you warned me and I didn’t listen.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

Space Mission
There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.
The control centre in the US calls:
'Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen.' He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre calls again:
'Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen.' He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again:
'Woman, please woman approach the screen.' She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....
'I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything.'

The Optician
A guy goes to the opticians. The Doctor tells him, 'You've got to stop masturbating!'
'Why Doc,' he asked, 'am I going blind?'
'No,' the Doctor explained, 'but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!'

Old Sex
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather hopefully.

'Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,' she responded.

The old guy paused.... then he asked, 'Was that one word or two?'

Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180, 000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250, 000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, concluded their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that the large head of the penis was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me .....

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:

I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Cute rabbit

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

“Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?” And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks:”Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuffy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?” She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon weally gives a shit!”

The Push
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. 'I'm not getting out of bed at this time,' he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

'Aren't you going to answer that?' says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realise the man is drunk.
'Hi there,' slurs the stranger. 'Can you give me a push?'
'No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!' screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks, 'Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?'

'But the guy was drunk,' says the husband.

'It doesn't matter,' explains the wife. 'He needs our help and it would be nice to help him.'

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, 'Hey, do you still want a push?'
He hears a voice cry out, 'Yes, please.'

'Where are you?' shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, 'I'm over here, on your swing.'

An 18th Birthday
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.

His Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left , then to the right, through the front door, into the street, where a truck smashes into him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father cries hysterically. The bartender sighs and says 'He should have quit while he was a head!'

The Hypnotist
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting: 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.....'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.

'S**t!' said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

At The Doctors
A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman,

'Is he breast fed or on the bottle?'

'Breast fed' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said,

No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.'

'Naturally,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came

Drinking
A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, 'What's the big idea coming home half drunk?'

The man replies, 'I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money.'

Did You Jump?
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

'So, did you jump?' the father asked.

'Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!'

'Is that when you jumped?' asked the father.

'Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.'

'Did you jump then?' asked the father.

'I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my a**e.'

'So, did you jump?'

'Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your a**e.' '

'So, did you jump?' asked the father.

'Well, a little, at first.'

Arthritis!
An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day, he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.

After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis.

He looks at her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.

She says, 'No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder...... I can't wipe my a**e.'

The Escaped Convict
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you.'

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says 'Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you too.'

wombat

What do you use a wombat for?
For playing wom!

An Embarrassing Car Crash
A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flipped over trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes.

All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.'

His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.'

'Well' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there cover up your pussy and go get help.'

So the woman covers her pussy with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant. 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped'

'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'but I think he's too far in.'

The Dwarf, The Horse & The Speech Impediment
This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up and says, 'there's this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you.'