1) And So This Is Hashmas
"And So This Is Christmas"
And so this is Hashmas,
And a happy new year.
Get in a drunk punch-up,
And get socked in the ear.
AARH-AARH-AARH-AARH! (holding ear)
And so this is Hashmas,
With a wink and a leer,
Let's eat too much turkey,
And drink lots of beer.
AARH-AARH-AARH-AARH! (holding gut)
And so this is Hashmas,
No need to look glum,
We'll drink too much whiskey,
And fall on our bum.
AARH-AARH-AARH-AARH! (holding bum)
And so this is Hashmas,
What a load of old crap,
Let's put it up your bottom,
And cum on your back.
OOOH-AARH-OOOH-AARH! (demonstrating)
2)Booze With Us
"Blue Christmas"
Come have some booze...
With us - how 'bout you?
You don't want to?
We're drinking... without you.
When our faces turn red,
We're as drunk as can be.
Because we're famous,
We're never found guilty...
And when our booze...
Headaches... start hurtin',
We will just lose memory, for certain.
Come booze with us all night;
It will be out of sight!
As long... as there's booze here with us.
Come have some booze...
With us - how 'bout you?
You don't want to?
We're drinking... without you.
When our faces turn red,
We're as drunk as can be.
Because we're famous,
We're never found guilty...
And when our booze...
Headaches... start hurtin',
We will just lose memory, for certain.
Come booze with us all night;
It will be out of sight!
As long... as there's booze here with us.
3)Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire
"The Christmas Song" by Nat 'King' Cole
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Jack Frost ripping up your nose.
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes.
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right.
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
They know that Santa's on his way.
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh,
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two:
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Screw you!
4)Chipmunks Redux
"The Christmas Song" by Nat 'King' Cole
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Their eyes bulge out and then explode.
Machine gun fire opens up on the crowd
And folks fall down like dominos.
Everybody knows an Uzi and some hand grenades
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots, bound and gagged in their beds,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
They know that Santa's on his way.
He's got a chainsaw and he's gonna make them pay.
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To watch their daddy shoot them reindeer from the sky.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
For by now, the tots are turning blue:
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas ... to you!
5)Christmas Carol
"Silent Night"
Sodomy, masturbate, fellatio, copulate,
Round the world and Hershey highway,
Fornicating in the hay.
These are tricks that I lo-ove.
These are tricks that I love.
Condom, prophylactic,
Spermicide does the trick.
IUDs and birth control pills,
Pull it out and let it spill.
These will make it sa-afe.
These will make it safe.
6) D.U.I.
" Jingle Bells"
Suckin down a beer
Feelin' pretty loose
Just killed off a fifth
We're running out of booze.
I got Grandmas' keys
Lets go for a ride
What fun it is
To get so stinkin' drunk
That you can't drive!
Oh! DUI, DUI, life is just a game.
Oh what fun it is to ride
In someone else's lane.
Oh! DUI, DUI, throw up on the dash.
We'd go to the liquor store
But we ain't got no cash!
Sliding 'round the curve
In Grandma's Cadillac.
She won't even notice
If we don't bring it back (She's old!).
Look at all the sparks
Flashin' from the side.
That guard rail sure is close
I think we're gonna die!
Oh! DUI, DUI, fearless guys are we.
Someone roll the window down,
I really gotta pee.
Oh! DUI, DUI, ride up on the curb.
Hit that asshole on the sidewalk,
it's too late to swerve!
Riding through the town
Running every light
And if we find some Arabs
We're gonna start a fight (That's right!).
We would stop for breakfast
But we just hit a truck.
Grandma's got insurance
So we don't give a *BELCH!*
Oh! DUI, DUI, cops are on our ass.
Watch me push 'em off the road
As they begin to pass.
Oh! DUI, DUI, now we're goin' to jail.
(slowly)
Someone better call Grandma
So she can
post ... our ... bail!
7) Frosty The Pervert
"Frosty The Snowman"
Frosty the pervert, in a trenchcoat he did go,
to the school yard to expose his dick
and his balls made out of snow.
Frosty the pervert, all the kids he liked to watch
his dick did grow when he packed snow
on his cold and icy crotch.
There must have been some magic
when he stroked his frozen meat
cause Frosty started moaning loud and it began to sleet.
Frosty the pervert, was as glad as he could get
he threw away his corncob pipe
and lit a cigarette.
Frosty the pervert, didn't want to go to jail
he began to run while dripping cum
and the cops picked up his trail.
Down to the village, his dick melting in his hand
running here and there all around the square
yelling "catch me if you can."
They chased him 'round the streets of town
right to a vice squad cop
who shoved a night stick up his ass
and Frosty screamed "don't stop!"
Frosty the pervert, was locked up that very day
but he did not cry as he waved goodbye
knowing he'd be back some day.
Beating his meat all over the street look at Frosty go ...
Sliding his hands all over his glans his cum as white as snow . . .
8) Get A Ho!
"Let It Snow!"
Oh, the level of whining's frightful
And the wife is feeling spiteful
Time to call in a pro
Get a ho! Get a ho! Get a ho!
It doesn't take too much shopping
To get those pants a-dropping
As long as you got the dough
Get a ho! Get a ho! Get a ho!
When I finally stain your blouse
How I'll hate going back to just porn
But if you ever tell my spouse
I will regret I was born
Cause it probably would annoy her
And she knows a damn good lawyer
And I would end up too po'
To get a ho! Get a ho! Get a ho!
9)Hallelujah Chorus
"Hallelujah Chorus"
Eat my butt out!
Eat my butt out!
Eat my butt out, eat my butt out!
Eat my butt out!
Please lick my sweaty balls.
They're so dirty!
They're so dirty, they're so dirty!
They're so dirty, they're so dirty!
Please eat my crusty ass.
It's so mushy!
It's so mushy, it's so mushy!
It's so mushy, it's so mushy!
10) Here's The Season
"Deck the Halls"
Here's the season to be greedy,
Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la.
Eat until you feel quite seedy,
Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la.
Lots of beer and food and lollies,
Tra-la-la la-la-la la la la.
In the morning you'll be sorry,
Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la.
We always put up our Christmas stocking,
Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la.
Santa might give us something to cock in
Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la.
Last year he said he wouldn't come round here,
Tra-la-la la-la-la la la la.
Some bastard stuffed it up his reindeer,
Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la.
Get the maid under the mistletoe,
Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la.
If the wife sees, you'll soon know,
Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la.
Is that what they mean by sticky pudd'n,
Tra-la-la la-la-la la la la.
Serves you right if you get dripping,
Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la.
11)Holiday Song
"Let It Snow"
Well, the weather outside is frightful,
But my dick is so delightful.
If you really want to see it grow,
Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow.
12)It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Syphilis
"It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas"
It's beginning to look a lot like syphilis.
It's the holiday shove!
Take a look at the purple sores
Rotting through to the core
Of the blue veins of your candy cane of love!
It's beginning to look a lot like syphilis.
It stings when I pee.
My brain has turned to purple.
My sperm has begun to curdle.
My dick looks funny; it's green and runny with fleas.
Bridge: (melody)
I once was a stud
With an eight-inch pud.
I was the envy of Hashland
But safe sex was neglected.
I became dickually infected.
Now pieces come off in my hand.
It's beginning to look a lot like syphilis.
In the San Francisco fog.
But the merriest sight you'll see
Is the festering that will be
On your own Yule log!
13) It's The Most Wonderful Kind Of A Beer
"It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"
Drink the most wonderful kind of a beer.
In the bar, rebel-yelling,
There is nobody telling us
"Get out of here."
It's the most wonderful kind of a beer.
Here's the hap-happiest reason of all:
Fellow boozers send greetings
At our drunken meetings.
We're having a ball.
That's the hap-happiest reason of all.
Drinking parties we're hosting
To fun, we are toasting.
Our parents do not really know.
There'll be lots of tall stories
In bar lavatories
Of Hash business long, long ago.
Drink the most wonderful kind of a beer.
No one knows where we're going.
We're smart for not showing
What we're doing here.
It's the most wonderful kind of a beer.
...That's the hap-happiest reason of all.
Drinking parties we're hosting
To fun, we are toasting.
Our parents do not really know.
There'll be lots of tall stories
In bar lavatories
Of Hash business long, long ago.
Drink the most wonderful kind of a beer.
No one knows where we're going.
We're smart for not showing
What we're doing here.
It's the most wonderful kind of a beer.
14)Jingle Balls
"Jingle Bells"
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to run 'round naked in this wa-ay.
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to run 'round naked Christmas Day.
Dashing round the block, not wearing any dacks.
One hand on your cock, to give your balls more slack.
Bouncing up and down as we run to and fro.
We'll jingle with our genitals wherever we may go.
(Repeat first verse running in place with hands on crotches)
15) Merry Hashmas
"We Wish You A Merry Christmas"
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
And a clappy New Year.
Bad tidings we bring
About the drip and the sting.
We wish you a Merry Syphilis
And a Happy Gonorrhea.
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
And a Happy Gonorrhea.
16) Oh Everclear
"Oh Tannenbaum"
Oh Everclear, oh Everclear,
You make me stagger and weave.
Oh Everclear, oh Everclear,
You make me choke and heave.
My eyes are blind, they cannot see,
My knees they buckle under me.
Oh Everclear, oh Everclear,
What would I do without thee?
17) Oh Holy Shit!
"Oh Holy Night"
Oh Holy Sh*t,
I can't believe it's morning,
Drank all night
Hope I got my money's worth.
Parked by the road,
Asleep and snoring loudly,
'Til he appeared and shined his light upon me.
An open beer lays on the seat beside me,
And yonder stands, the deputy, not smiling.
Down on your knees, and hear your rights recited.
The night was fun, but it ends surprisingly.
OH Holy Sh*t Oh what the hell I'm caught again
OH Holy Sh*t Oh what a night I'm drunk again
Led by the ear,
I see the squad car looming,
With glowing lights, and a radio aroaring.
Across the seat
I am tossed so unpolitely,
Now comes the truck,
My car is gone again.
The King of Beers,
Has made his mark upon me,
This latest stunt will
Cost like Christ Almighty.
He has my keys,
and shoves me to a stranger.
Lift up your face,
turn to the right
do not bend.
Lift up your face
turn to the right
do not bend.
Truly he has caught us
we cannot blame another,
the law has won,
Just let him speak his piece.
the doors will break,
you're shoved in with another,
Just hope his wife has let him have a piece.
Sweet hymns of Joy,
You sorry social drinkers,
with all your hearts
you thought you could escape.
This is the law and you will not get free
And to the Judge
We hope we can explain!
And to the Judge
We hope we can explain!
18) Oh Horny Night
"Oh Holy Night"
Oh horn-y night
The bars are brightly shi-ning
It is the night
That we all
Get a piece
Long lay we all
Alone and masturba-ting
Until we cheered
Debauchery that set us free.
The thrill of the hunt
The naughty santas play-y
We sa-tis-fy
Our urges this fine day
Fall
On your knees
And blow
Me straight to hea-ven
Oh ni-ight divine
Oh-h night we got it on
Oh night, divi-i-ine
Oh-h night
Oh horny night
19) The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen"
"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
The restroom door said "Gentlemen" so I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices, turned, and found the place was occupied
By three nuns, two old ladies, and a nurse.
What could be worse
Than three nuns, two old ladies, and a nurse?
The restroom door said "Gentlemen", it must have been a gag.
As soon as I did walk therein, I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of Mace and hit me with her bag.
It just wasn't cut out to be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't cut out to be my day.
The restroom door said "Gentlemen" and I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign.
Because I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind.
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
Boy, oh boy!
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
20) Rudolph the Red-Knobbed Reindeer
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Rudolph the red-knobbed reindeer,
Had a very smelly cock,
And if you ever saw it,
You would prob'ly die of shock.
His foreskin was full of maggots,
Had blisters, pox and clap,
He had no hope of shagging,
He was a very sorry chap.
Then one frosty Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
"You red knob is an awful sight,
Please don't pull my sleigh tonight."
Rudolph he was so unhappy,
So far away did he trot,
Rudolph enjoyed jerking off in,
Everybody's chimney pot.
21) The Twelve Days of Christmas
"The Twelve Days of Christmas"
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me--
Twelve hairy harlots,
Eleven lecherous lesbians,
Ten tired trollops,
Nine naughty nuns,
Eight useless eunuchs,
Seven sex-starved sisters,
Six convicted vicars,
Five choir boys!
Four windmill girls,
Three Boy Scouts,
Two virgin queenes,
And a pervert in a pantry.
22)The Twelve Redneck Days of Christmas
"The Twelve Days of Christmas"
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me --
Twelve cans of Bud,
Eleven rasslin' tickets
Ten tins of Copenhagen,
Nine years' probation,
Eight table dances,
Seven packs of Red Man,
Six cans of Spam,
Five flannel shirts!
Four mud grip tires,
Three shotgun shells,
Two huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT.
23) Walkin' 'Round In Womens' Underwear
"Winter Wonderland"
Lacy things, the wife is missin',
Didn't ask for her permission,
I'm wearin her clothes_silk panty hose,
Walkin' round in womens' underwear.
In the store, there's a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night
Walkin' round in womens' underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,
He'll say are you ready, I'll say whoa man,
Let's wait until the wife is out of town.
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eye shade and join the parade
Walkin' round in womens' underwear.
24) We Wish You A Drunken Christmas
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas"
We wish you a drunken Christmas,
We wish you a drunken Christmas,
We wish you a drunken Christmas
And a keg of cold beer.
Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin,
Good tidings for Christmas
And a keg of cold beer.
Oh, bring us some Jello shooters,
Oh, bring us some Jello shooters,
Oh, bring us some Jello shooters
And a keg of cold beer.
We won't go until we get drunk,
We won't go until we get drunk,
We won't go until we get drunk,
On a full keg of beer.
We wish you a drunken Christmas,
We wish you a drunken Christmas,
We wish you a drunken Christmas
And a keg of cold beer.
25)Wonder Where I Am
"Winter Wonderland"
At the office Christmas party,
I started out with a Bacardi.
I never get sauced,
But right now I'm lost!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
Had a beer at my brother's,
Had egg nog at my mother's,
Then two bottles of wine.
Which automobile's mine?
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
Someone caught me dancing with a snowman.
A policeman came and put me in his car.
He said, "Are you drunk?" and I say, "No, man,
But could you drop me off at the next bar?"
I guess my wife must be missing.
Who's this dog that I'm kissing?
They say his name's Spot
And he likes me ... a lot!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
I was looking for a woman I could dance with
So I stood beneath the mistletoe.
Someone said, "You'd have a better chance if
You took the lampshade off and put on your clothes!"
Now it's time. I should be going.
I'm naked. Is it still snowing?
It's time I should leave,
But I'll be back New Year's Eve!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!