The Issue Between Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law

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THE ISSUE BETWEEN MOTHER-IN-LAW AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

The Issue Between Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law

Fenglin Ding

University of Kentucky

Abstract

This article will talk about the conflict in family between mother-in-law anddaughter-in-law. In china, the relationship of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law isreally confusing for many families, which courses various family issues that affects people’s lives. The following paper will explain about why there is conflict between the mother anddaughter in law in China based on some reliable research. It will also compare and contrast the Chinese family with American familymother and daughter-in-law relationships.It isa really interesting topic and it will find out whya lot of married women think their mother-in-law is being mean to them after marriage, and what causes the same person they thought was niceto change. However, the existence of the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not the end of the world. There are some certain ways to go through it. The conflicts in different cultures are different from one another.

Keywords:conflict between mother and daughter-in-law; mother-in-law and daughter-in-law communication; family conflict; women conflict

The issue between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

Based on the research, the conflict between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law exists under different culture. The main problems are maintaining different goals and values and lack of communication (Marotz-Baden & Cowan, 1987). Although the conflict will always exist, there are some certain ways to lower the frequency. Throughout the studies, there are three general ways: do not live under the same roof, learn how to communicate with each other, and try to understand each other.

Despite the research, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-lawrelationships are often depicted as conflictual. In 1985, there was an exploratory study of 44 mothers-in-laws and 55 daughters-in-laws in two-generation farm or ranch families found that the differences in goals and values and lack of communication skills were frequent problemsin the United State (Marotz-Baden & Cowan, 1987). There was another research demonstrate that living in close proximityincreases the stress levels of either groups of women. In China, the relations between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are common issues in many Chinese families. Different values cause problems in modern Chinese families (Yan Du, 2013).

There is a finding that aims to contribute to current feminist studies of differences among women by examining the age and generational differencesbetweenmother-in-law and daughter-in-law. This issue is especially prominent in a patriarchal, patrilineal and patrilocal-exogamous culture, such as China. It focuses on the changing power relations betweenmother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It argues that due to changing historical forces that always favour some women over others in line with their age, generation, class and other multiaxial differences, the traditional pattern of mother-in-law dominating daughter-in-law in the Confucian narratives of late-imperial China has been gradually reversed (Song & Zhang, 2012). Although this means that younger women are empowered, older women are nonetheless disadvantaged. Thus, gender stratification in the polity and economy has persisted in modernChinese culture. As the power is changing, the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will be reasonable, which is also because they love the same man. Both women want to maintain the power to have the same man, so the conflict will always be there. In order to lower the frequency of the conflict, not living under the same roof could be a physical way of avoiding the conflict. As the study shows that the power changing is one of the reasons, it is hardly to get rid of the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Living together will be a risk, which will also increase the intensity level. As a matter of fact, the distance can be helpful to lower the frequency physically (Yan Du, 2013).

The power changing is not the only problem that causes the conflict. From the perspective of the daughters-in-law, there is a study examined communicative and relational factors associated with positive and negative mother-in-law and daughter-in-lawrelationships. Rittenour and Soliz build a“structural model tested perceptions of sharedfamilyidentity as a mediator between communicative factors (supportive communication, nonaccommodation, self-disclosure), family-of-origin factors, and daughter-in-lawintentions regarding caregiving and future contact with the mother-in-law” (RittenourSoliz, 2009). Further, open-ended responses were content analyzed to identify additional relational aspects associated with satisfying mother-in-lawrelationships. The result shows that there is 47% daughters-in-law who are not satisfied the relation with their mothers-in-law (RittenourSoliz, 2009).

There is another Rittenour’s research, which can help people get further understanding of the relationship between standards and relational quality in mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships.By asking which factors are affecting mother and daughter-in-law relationships, daughters-in-laws reported on the following: standards for mother-in-law supportive communication, standards for mother-in-lawfamily disclosure, perceptions of mother-in-law enactment of supportive communication and family disclosure, and perceived mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship quality(Rittenour, 2012). After gathered these variables which causes the conflict, Rittenour comes out with three hypotheses: distressful ideals, unmet ideals, and discrepancy evaluations. “Despite some support for all hypotheses, the associations between standards and relational quality varied slightly between the two communication behaviors. For supportive communication, the unmet ideals and discrepancy evaluations hypotheses yielded greater associations than the distressful ideals hypothesis. For family disclosure, the unmet ideals hypothesis resulted in the strongest associations” (Rittenour, 2012). Results are discussed in regard to further inclusion of standards within the context of in-law relationships.

One of the biggest factors daughters-in-laws most frequently state their issue on is supportive communication. Lacking of supportive communication will be the second reason, which causes the conflict between the mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Self-serving bias is playing a role in this. Either side wants to get more understanding and wants others to talk to them first. The physiological influence is affecting the relationship. Due to the different experience, mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws will have different thoughts on the same thing. Therefore, learning how to communicate with each other could be a vital part in the relationship. When mothers-in-laws and daughters-in-laws could switch their position, and try to think in others’ point of view more often, the easier it will become. A mother-in-law is just a mother that wants to make sure her son is living in a great life. The daughter-in-law is a wife who wants to create a great family with the man she loves. They should not have any trouble maintaining both of their thoughts. Therefore, trying to communicate with each other, in the right way is quite important.

By combining the second point, understanding will be eventually helpful to make the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law better. Too many family issues will put too much pressure on the husband. There is a study in China examined daughters-in-law's perceptions of the husband'sconflict management styleswhenmother-in-law and daughter-in-lawhave conflicts. Also the study examined daughters-in-law’s perceptions of marital satisfaction and relational satisfaction with the mother-in-law(Song & Zhang, 2012). Results showed that the problem-solving style was perceived to be used mostly by the husband, followed by the accommodating, avoiding, and competing styles. In addition, the problem-solving and accommodating styles were positively associated, whereas the competing and avoiding styles were negatively associated with judgments of communication appropriateness and effectiveness, and the relational satisfaction variables. Furthermore, results indicated a “moderator effect of shared family identity on the associations between perceptions of the husband'sconflict management styles and relational satisfaction with the mother-in-law”(Song & Zhang, 2012). Implications of the findings were discussed with reference to the prior literature on interpersonal conflict management, the Common Ingroup Identity Model, family relationships, as well as culture change in China (Song & Zhang, 2012).

A bad relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law will affect the husband in the family in many different ways. As the finding mentioned above, when there is a conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, he will use problem-solving styles in three particular ways: accommodating, competing, and avoiding. Husbands will try to solve the problem until they use the last one, which is also the negative one – avoiding. Thus, mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws should try their best to understanding each other so that they can let the man they love live in a peaceful life. Sympathy concept should be appliedalso, it is badly needed between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. They should view the issue on each other’s side from their own point of view.

According to the research, the existence of the conflict between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws will always be there, but it is not the end of the world. There are some ways to go through it. The conflict in different culture is different. By utilizing some helpful ideas, it will help with the family issues eventually further elaborate.

References:

Marotz-Baden, R., & Cowan, D. (1987). Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law: The effects of proximity on conflict and stress. Family Relations, 36, 385-390.

Rittenour, C., & Soliz, J. (2009). Communicative and relational dimensions of shared family identity and relational intentions in mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships: Developing a conceptual model for mother-in-law/daughter-in-law research. Western Journal Of Communication, 73, 67-90. doi:10.1080/10570310802636334.

Rittenour, C. (2012). Daughter-in-law standards for mother-in-law communication: Associations with daughter-in-law perceptions of relational satisfaction and shared family identity. Journal Of Family Communication, 12, 93-110. doi:10.1080/15267431.2010.537240

Song, Y., & Zhang, Y. (2012). Husbands' conflict styles in Chinese mother/daughter-in-law conflicts: Daughters-in-law's perspectives. Journal Of Family Communication, 12, 57-74. doi:10.1080/15267431.2011.629968

Yan Du, D. (2013). Living under the same roof: A genealogy of the family romance between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in modern Chinese history. Gender & History, 25, 170-191. doi:10.1111/gend.12000