Ten Top Strategies for Building Bounce-Back Kids

Ten topstrategiesforbuildingbounce-backkids

In today’s world, when striving for mediocrity can seem like too large a task to even consider, how can we “fail-proof” our kids? What can we do to assist them in building their resilience, so that when the going gets tough, they keep going, and when they fail at something, they see it as a new opportunity to succeed?

Obviously, the answer isn’t simple. If it were, you wouldn’t need this short guide, would you? But it’s not so awfully complex either. Basically it comes down to two things: 1. Give your child appropriate amounts of freedom to try new things (and the responsibility which that brings), and 2. Help your child learn to reframe failure. Let’s take a moment to look at both.

Give your child appropriate amounts of freedom to try new things (and the responsibility which that brings). Mom and dad, teacher, whoever you are, don’t take the easy way out and do things for your children that they can do for themselves. I know. It’s hard, and it takes more time to let kids do things on their own. But if you want your kids to be independent, to be able to persevere through adversity, and to handle failure, then you have to give them the freedom to fail, and the responsibility to do for themselves what they can. The less you expect, and the more you protect, the less resilient they will be.

Be honest: Do you really want to be the cause of your children’s disability? I didn’t think so. So give them age- and developmentally-appropriate responsibilities to do things that they can do for themselves. (Oh, and age one to two is not too young to understand that you need to pick up your toys…)

Help your child learn to reframe failure. Many years ago, I learned a lesson which has served me well, and it came from where I would least have expected to learn a life-lesson! I was at a Tom Hopkins sales seminar, when Hopkins said simply, “I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed; and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I can fail and keep on trying.”

Over the years, I’ve shortened that a bit to my own mantra-of-sorts: “I never see failure as failure, but only as another opportunity to succeed.” It’s simple enough. Failure isn’t fatal, usually. But fearing failure can be. So reframe the reality. Make failure just one more step to success. After all, when I fail, I’ve learned another good way NOT to do what I’m attempting. That can only lead to figuring out a better way to do it, right?

“Failure-proofing” our kids. It sounds good. So how do we do it? Here are some strategies that I’ve found to be extremely helpful in building resilience in both children and adults.

Use humor. Laughter is great medicine, especially for dispelling stress when something isn’t going right. Help them laugh at the situation, and move on from there.

Collaborate/brainstorm alternatives. Help them find others who have a similar goal or task in mind, and pool ideas and energies with them. It’s amazing what can come out of it.

Problem solve. Encourage your kids to critically think about the situation. If they’ll use those higher-order thinking skills to analyze what has worked and what hasn’t, they’ll be able to figure out how to approach the situation so that they can be successful. It’s all about making a plan, and then going for it.

Reframe the reality. Help them to gain perspective on the situation by looking at it from a different perspective. Whether the glass is half-empty or half-full is entirely a matter of how one chooses to look at its contents. Winners see what can be and go after it. Losers see what has been and complain. Resilience is far more about attitude than it is about aptitude.

Expect, and train for leadership. If everybody thinks that anybody can do it and that somebody will, usually nobody does. Train your child in how to take leadership, and exercise it effectively. This is best done in small steps, with lots of successes, but it starts with your initial decision to equip your child with the skills and attitudes that s/he will need to lead others. Be a leader. Show your child how to be.

Use simulations to prepare for success. You don’t start flying jumbo jets by sitting in the cockpit of a multibillion dollar machine. Your start in a simulator where you can crash as often as you need to without harming anyone or anything. It’s the same in life. Authentic simulations allow our kids to determine their approach and practice their skills before they launch into the make-or-break task. They’ll be amazed at how much their enhanced skills will help them succeed and they’ll feel comfortable in the situation because they’ve practiced for it.

Set realistic goals. In answer to the old question, “how do you eat an elephant?” the answer is “One bite at a time.” It’s the same with big projects. Help your kids to set long and short term goals, and then to move forward one goal, one step at a time. If they keep those goals measurable, achievable, the results will be spectacular. Remember, nothing builds resilience like success!

Be assertive! “Nice” has its place, but to avoid being mistaken for a carpet remnant, sometimes your kids will need to assert themselves. This doesn’t mean being a bully, or shoving others around, but it does mean being able to state clearly what their needs and expectations are, and to stand firm in the face of those who would take control over them and their projects. Help them learn how to know when compromise is a good thing, and when it isn’t, as well as how to say “no” and mean it.

Stay away from they who say “nay.” Encourage your children to establish relationships with others who think positively, and who will help them stay focused on what can be done, instead of what can’t. A positive peer pressure group is a good thing!

Teach negotiation skills. We can’t always get our way. Resilient kids have learned how to negotiate as well as when. After all, while some things just aren’t negotiable, most are, and that can go a long way for long-term success.

Model conflict resolution. Let your example teach your kids how to handle conflict appropriately. When they learn that it’s okay to disagree, and they have the skillsets to resolve a disagreement rather than harboring resentment and anger, they’re well on their way to lifelong resilience.