Only Fools and Horses

ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES

One for the road By Martin Fryer

This episode is set in the period after Series five and before the 1988 christmas special 'Dates'

EXT.NIGHT. THE ONE-ELEVEN CLUB

There is a sign that reads 'members only' on a plaque to the right of the entrance,A burly minder stands in the door way.

INT.NIGHT. THE ONE-ELEVEN CLUB

Nice looking but small and not overly classy gambling establishment,a few punters are playing poker,a couple stand by a fruit machine,then we see Del Boy at the roulette table,a female croupier stands behind the desk.

DEL .that'll do me for tonight darlin',thank you,danke shan.

we see Rodney enter in the background, he scans the premises,he spots Del and has a 'i knew it' look on his face.

He approaches Del.

RODNEY.Come on then,how much money have you lost?

DEL .Well ac......

RODNEY .As soon as Albert told me you'd borrowed a tenner off him i knew i'd find you down here squandering money we hav'nt got.

DEL .If you ju......

RODNEY .Weve got gas bills,electric bills,the van needs a new engine,weve got nothing to sell and no money to buy stock with,and here you are spending your uncles last tenner in a casino when it could of gone towards putting food on the table.

DEL .If you shut your cake ole' up for one second you mouthy little git you'll give me the chance to say i hav'nt waisted dear uncle alberts last tenner

RODNEY. Here just watching are ya Del?do me a favour,i know you too well.

DEL .Rodney,what is my motto.

RODNEY.Depends who your ripping off and what your selling em.

DEL .No come on sarky,what do i always say in times of crisis.

RODNEY(reluctently)He who dares, wins.

DEL .Thats right ,he who dares wins,and tonight,i took alberts tenner,i dared and i won.

RODNEY(happier)Yeah,how much?

Del pulls a bundle of notes out of the pocket of his trousers and fans it in front of Rodneys face

DEL .600 lovely pounds.

RODNEY.Oh nice one my son,ace!

EXT.NIGHT ONE - ELEVEN CLUB CAR PARK,TROTTERS VAN PULLS AWAY SOUNDING EVEN MORE BANGED UP THAN USUAL.

INT.NIGHT. TROTTERS VAN

RODNEY.The first thing you can do with that money is fix this van,its gonna conk out any day now.

DEL .Ok rodney,if it makes you happy...... you can phone round tommorow and find a second hand engine for it.

RODNEY.Oh yeah....

DEL .Well you want it fixed dont ya? anyway im gonna be paying up all our bills tommorow and with whats left im gonna go down the auction at the weekend and buy some stock,we'll soon be back on our feet rodders.

RODNEY.yeah,alright...... i'll start phoning round the museums first thing.

DEL .Yeah,star..oi you cheeky little sod,there is nothing wrong with this van,its gets us from A to B does'nt it?

RODNEY .It gets us from A to B alright,but what about if we want to go to C?

DEL .I wish you would go to bloody sea rodney.

INT.DAY. TROTTERS FLAT

Del is reading the auto trader at the breakfast table,he is fully dressed for the day ahead,he has a fry up in front of him,he dips his toast in his egg as Albert enters from the kitchen,albert is still in his pajamas and dressing gown.

ALBERT.(shouting)RODNEY,DO YOU WANT ANY BREAKFAST?

Del jumps

DEL .gordan bennet you soppy old goat,what ya shouting like that for?

ALBERT.Asking rodney if he wants any breakfast

DEL .well he's ardly' gonna hear you from here uncle,he went out first thing,

ALBERT.When will he back,i'll put his breakfast under the grill if he aint gonna be long?

DEL,Dunno unc,he's out looking for a new engine for the van

ALBERT.So he wont be back for a few days then(albert does his laugh)

DEL .Shut up you old git...... anyway when rodney does come in i want you to tell him to meet me in the nags head at lunchtime,i was on the phone to Lenny Norris this morning and he's got 25 ladys real looking fur coats,and he has offered me em' for £200 the lot,if i can knock em out for £30 quid a piece i can make a profit of...... (del trys to work it out),well , i can make a bloody good profit.

ALBERT.25 fur coats for 200 pounds,they must be nicked then?

DEL(angry)Oi oi oi,what sort of bloke do you think i am,i do not have anything to do with stolen goods,alright?

ALBERT.Sorry son,i just thought......

DEL . Thats ok,just watch your mouth in future,you say somthing like that in the wrong place,i could end up doing 5 years.

ALBERT.That reminds me,some bloke phoned while you were out getting ya paper,he says to tell you he wont be able to get them speakers he promised ya cuz woolworths have put in new cameras.

DEL.Oh thats a pity, i wa...... (he see's albert looking at him with a 'see,you do deal with stolen goods' look on his face)...yeah,alright unc,alright,just dont you say anything to rodney,i dont want him giving me one of his moral speaches,he goes on more than mary bleeding whitehouse.

INT.DAY THE NAGS HEAD

Its midday and the pub is'nt busy,a young couple sit at a table and mike is behind the bar dusting it.

Del-Boy enters.

DEL .Watcha Mike,i'll have a malibu and 7up,and er,make it large.(del gets out a wad of money and fans through it)

MIKE.What a lovely sight.

DEL .Yeah,look at that smashing aint it?

MIKE.I say its a lovely sight because it means you might actually pay your slate up.

DEL .(realising his mistake)its not mine is it!

MIKE.Not yours, who's is it then?

DEL .Its er,...... alberts,yeah,just been to get his pension.

MIKE.What,all that?

DEL.Well he's a war hero aint he.

Dels phone rings as trigger enters,del acknowledges trig and answers phone.

DEL.alright trig-(into phone)hello,Trotters independent traders plc,derek trotter speaking...... Sunglasses Ron,how ya doin pal...... excellent,it must be 4 years since i last talked to you,where you living now...... southend,nice,ere when did you get out ronny boy.yeah,hang on a minute sunglasses,where did ya get my executive mobile phone number from?...... ow,you phoned the house and Albert give it ya did he,...... a bit of bussiness! im all ears ron,all ears...... (del see's Mike and Trig both listening intentevly to his conversation)hang on son,let me go somewhere more private.

Del leaves the bar.

MIKE.Ere Trig,who's Sunglasses Ron?

TRIG.He was that bloke just talking to Del on the phone,know him do ya Mike?

MIKE,Bloody ell' trig,i know that dont I,i mean whats his story,what did he go inside for.

TRIG.Oh,get ya now...... Him and a bloke called paddy the greek used to do a bit of a double act,you wanted it ,they could get you it,no questions asked, must of got caught and got a bit of a sentence,i hate that sort of thing myself.

MIKE.Come off it trig,your not exactly squeeky clean when it comes to your past.

TRIG.Oh,no,you misunderstand mike,i used to nick anything,i mean i dont like that getting caught lark.

MIKE.(can't beleive what he's hearing)Look,what you drinking trig?

TRIG.I'll just have a pint please mike.

Del re-enters,

DEL .I'll get that trig

TRIG.Cheers del

Del and Trig take their drinks over to a table and sit down.

Rodney enters the pub,he looks knackered,he is wearing jeans and a parka,he is covered in grease

Del notices him

DEL.Bloody hell rodney i asked you to go and buy a new engine not make one.

RODNEY.Ive been trying to buy one derek,ive been trying to buy one since 8 oclock this morning

DEL.Any luck?

RODNEY.No,they just laughed at me.

Rodney sits down

RODNEY.Albert just gave me your message,he said something about a deal with lenny norris.

DEL.Ah,that was this morning Rodney,things have changed since then.

RODNEY.You mean there's no deal?

DEL .There is a deal,just not with Lenny Norris

RODNEY,Pulled out has he?

DEL.It was me who pulled out actually Rodney.

RODNEY,Why?the way albert was talking is was a brilliant deal,and it would have left us with enough money to pay them bills off and fix the van.

DEL .Well,I weighed it up, and I dont think that Lenny Norris is the sorta bloke we should be dealing with,you never know where his gear comes from.

RODNEY.thats never bothered you before.

DEL .besides,ive had a bit of business put my way by another contact of mine,bloody good business as well.

RODNEY.Who's the contact?

DEL .sunglasses Ron

RODNEY.Oh cosmic,you mean to tell me you've decided against dealing with lenny norris cuz he's dodgy,and instead you've struck a deal with Sunglasses Ron,thats like the time you kicked Mickey Pearce off the pub quiz team cuz he didnt know any of the answers and replaced him with trigger.

TRIGGER.(proud)Thanks Dave.(rodney reacts)

DEL.Oh shut up you big old brass,you dont even know what the deal is yet.

RODNEY.come on then ,what is this big deal?

DEL.Not here Rodney,I dont want anyone else earwigging cuz they'll all want a peice of the action,I'll tell ya when we get back to the flat, after you phone Lenny and tell him the deals off,seeya trig.

del heads to the exit

RODNEY(after him)what do you men when i phone Lenny...... FADE OUT.

INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT

albert is asleep in front of the telly with a brandy in his hand,Del and Rodney enter,Del notices him.

DEL .Look at that lazy old git,i told him before i went out,to take the washing down the launderette and go round the flat with the J Edger,and whats he done all day?nothing,thats what he's done.

RODNEY.Come on Del,thats not true

DEL .whats the old sea dog done today then.

RODNEY(picking up the bottle of brandy from the side)He's drunk your brandy for a start.

DEL.The theiving old git,ere,Rodney pass that newspaper off the table there.

Rodney passes the paper to Del,DelBoy rolls it up and stands behind the chair aAlbert is asleep on.

DEL(shouting into paper)ABANDON SHIP,WHOOOP WHOOOP,ABANDON SHIP

ALBERT.(jumps)TO THE LIFEBOATS,...... whats going on? for a minute there i thought i was in the atlantic again.

DEL .keep nicking my brandy and you will be back in the bleedin' atlantic.

RODNEY.Come on then del,whats this deal thats so secret you couldnt tell me in the pub

DEL.Ok Rodney,but just hear me out,no butting in.

RODNEY.Fair enough.

DEL .I dont know if you knew,but since Sunglasses got ou...... came back off holiday,he's been running a boozer down in southend,well Sunglasses being Sunglasses,he has'nt been getting his booze from the brewery like any normal landlord,no,he's been buying it off this geezer who does a bit of shopping regularly in Calais,if you know what i mean,well he's been doing it for so long his seller at the pub resembles a hypermarket.

RODNEY.Whats all this got to do with you?

DEL .If you listen i'll tell ya,a couple of weeks ago this bloke was coming back from another days bootlegging when his van was checked and his load was found.

RODNEY.I still dont see where you come into it.

DEL .let me finish and you'll find out,anyway,somone from the dover end must have recognised his van and realised it had been going back and forth across the channel on that ferry more times than the bloody captain,so the police were notified and they went round his gaffe

RODNEY.And found a shed load of booze?

DEL.No,they found absolutely nothing,and why did they find nothing,i'll tell ya why,cuz all the booze this geezer had bought back was safe and sound in Ronny boys celler,now the police aint stupid,they realised it would take every member of alcoholics anonymous about 3 years to drink that lot,so they put 2 and 2 together and they now think he's been selling it to local boozers.

RODNEY.Well he had.

DEL . I know he had,and thats where I come into it,according to Sunglasses 2 pubs have been searched round his way so far and it will only be a matter of time before a jon darm is sniffing round his vodka and coke,so he needs to get rid of it sharpish,pay attention rodders,this is where it gets good.

In that celler Sunglasses Ron has 3 grands worth of spirits,beer and wine and he needs to get it out of southend by beginning of next week when he can replace it with cosha stuff,he offered me the lot for a grand.

RODNEY.But you hav'nt got a grand derek.

DEL. I know,that is why i successfully negotiated the sale of half of that lovely booze for £600,I pick it up Saturday.

RODNEY.You mean to say you are spending the only money we have on booze when bills need paying an.....

DEL(sarcasticly)...... And the van needs fixing,the flat needs decorating and poor little rodney has'nt eaten in months,gordon bennet Rodney,im not gonna drink it am I,im gonna sell it.

RODNEY.who to?

DEL .Mike at the nags head,he knows a bargain when he see's one and we can double our money on this,never mind a new engine,we can buy a new car,this time next year we'll be millionairs.

RODNEY.So mike has agreed to buy the booze off you has he.

DEL.Well not exactly.

RODNEY,What do you mean not exactly?

DEL .I hav'nt told him about it yet.

RODNEY.Well when you gonna tell him then?

DEL .When I get back

RODNEY.Why dont you just ask him if he wants it tonight?

DEL .because rodney my little brother,Mike worries more than a hypercondriac with an ulcer,he would ask all sorts of questions,he'd want to know who im buying it off,why are they selling it,you know what he's like.

RODNEY.So....just tell him.

DEL .What do you mean just tell him,use your filbert bruv,if i told him,whats stopping Mike from cutting the middle man out and buying it off Sunglasses himself,this way,i go to Mike with the goods,he likes what he sees,he hands over a grand ,weve as good as doubled our money,mikes filled his celler and saved a few hundred quid,everybodys happy,and not only that I get to spend a weekend down in southend.

ALBERT.How you gonna afford to spend the weekend there,you've only got 600 quid and you need that for the booze.

DEL .Sunglasses has arranged al that,i suppose he's booked a hotel,ive got phone him tonight and sort out all the fine details.

RODNEY.And whats he gonna do with the other half of the booze?

DEL.well i dont know,he'll sell it to someone else wont he,look,its not our problem is it?

RODNEY. How are you gonna get there,that van would'nt make it to south london let alone southend.

DEL .dont worry Rodders,ive thought of that,im gonna ask Denzil if i can borrow his transit,i'll slip him a few quid when I get back or something,will you two stop worrying,nothing can possibly go wrong,this is Sunglasses Ron we're dealing with not the mafia,he's never done me wrong in the past.

RODNEY.What do you mean never done you wrong in the past,every deal you've ever done with that man has gone tits up.

DEL .Yeah? give me an example know it all.

RODNEY.Look at that time he sold you them digital watches

DEL .Bloody good watches they were

RODNEY.I dont deny they were a quality time peice,trouble is they were set to japanese time and the buttons didnt work so you could change it.

DEL .They went,didnt they?

RODNEY.Yeah but you had to carry a culculator around with you to be able to tell the time.

DEL .Ok,so he stitched me up with them,we all do it at some time or another.

RODNEY.And what about the time he sold you them genuine italian designer silk shirts.

DEL .You cant argue with that Rodney,they were genuine italian designer silk shirts,and very lovely they were too.

RODNEY.Oh i agree Del,they were lovely,they were so lovely they had the combined police forces of 3 countys looking for them,they were so lovely we could'nt sell em untill they went out of fashion,by then no one wanted em'.

DEL .Ok so he's tucked me up a few times,nothing can go wrong this time though,if he doesnt shift that booze him and his mate are gonna do a stretch,and he doesnt want that,for the first time in his life he's making some real money,and so will we,whenas soon as we go down to southend this weekend and pick that booze up.lovely jubbly.