Monologues from the works of
Playwright Todd McGinnis
INFO: www.playingafterdark.com
And
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With thanks for his creativity!
Dramatic Monologues
5) TABITHA SMILEY, ON-AIR, DEFENDS HER LATE HUSBAND AGAINST A TABLOID SMEAR-STORY
SMILEY
(Picks up the tabloid newspaper.) As most of our viewers probably know, my husband Phil died six years ago. (Trying to stay composed.) He had an inoperable brain tumour. We only had three years together. We married a year after we met and then a little more than a year later we found out... (her control slips a little.) ...We found out that he was going to die. (Through tears.) It was... very hard. You have no idea. Watching him... (She literally waves the rest of that thought away, unable to complete it.) And all the while he was so brave and so decent and so... funny and all he would do was worry about me.
(Smiley breaks down… It takes several moments to recover and carry on.)
Near the end, came the personality changes. The doctors had all warned us. Me. His parents. But then, one night. About a month before he... (Chokes up.) ...Anyway, it was really bad. He just went raging around the house like he was possessed and when I tried to stop him he hit me. Several times. Quite hard. Like I said he was... It wasn't really even him anymore. And then, two minutes later, he was this crying, terrified little boy who couldn't remember his own name and he needed me to hold him. And I did. I never told him what had happened. Because it wasn't him. And he couldn't have lived thinking that he'd hurt me like that. (Holds up the paper.) This story says that my husband was abusive. That he beat me up. And that is a lie! My husband was the best person I ever knew in this world. And it hurts me more than I can tell you that because of this story, planted by (points at Sincerity) my friend, there will be people in the world who will carry my husband's name in the same thought with the word abuser.
Dramatic Monologues
6) TV-STAR/TALK SHOW HOST SINCERITY WEEKS COMES CLEAN
SINCERITY
["Why would I deliberately plant a story in the tabloids about my husband and how his many… infidelities have humiliated me?"]
Well… Have you read Machiavelli? I suggest you do. The Prince is a great place to start. It has to do with appearances being more important to people than--- (Stops herself and cups a hand to her ear.) Oops. Here that, Doc? That's the sound of nearly a million people changing the channel. Well, we can't really blame them can we? (In a Southern U.S. drawl) We don't go in much for that fancy book learnin' these days! Anyway, blah, blah, blah. I did it so no one would suspect me. Well, that and I was kind of hoping to piss off my husband.
[Oh, but that’s still not explanation enough for you is it? Oh no. "Inquiring minds want to know…" What kind of person does something like that in the first place?"]
Well, that's easy. You take an edgy, gutsy, smart, talented, headstrong, ambitious woman and you throw heaps of money at her for pretending to be not quite so smart or gutsy or ambitious but... (Adopts her TV persona for a moment.)...Really enthusiastic (Back to herself.) instead. And you have her do that five days a week. Oh and don't forget... (Persona again, dabbing at tears that aren't there.) ...sensitive. Oh yes. So sensitive. (Drops the act.) Make me wanna puke. Anyway, after awhile she gets bored. And worse yet, she starts worrying that she's turning into this thing she plays on tv. Unfortunately, she's also quite used to the money and the influence celebrity brings so there's no way she's going to just quit and do something meaningful with her life. So she starts looking for something to hold her interest. Turns out, she finds money interesting. She likes making it and making it grow... and given her husband's lack of interest it's about the only thing she can make grow. So that's what she does. She schemes and she plans and she invests and god help the person who gets in her way because she's a big fan of Darwin. There. How's that? Everyone feeling enlightened now?
Dramatic Monologue
1) Harrison "SPARE ME THE BEST-OF-TIMES B.S."
HARRISON
Look, who's kiddin' who here? The lawyer told us how much we're getting. And it wasn't much, was it? It wasn't nearly what I figured the old guy had to be worth. Now I don't know what Old Scrooge did with the rest of it but I'm hoping that by the end of this fiasco I'm gonna find out that he had a huge stash hidden away in a Swiss bank account or something. I'm here for the same reason as you guys: to find out what I might get out it! Or if there is anything left to get. So you can lay off with the "respecting our dear-old-sainted- father's-final-wishes" crap. He was a pushy, controlling old jerk. Now, maybe you've got nothing to complain about 'cause after all you got the farm handed to you on a silver platter--- [OH! I know. I know. You "bought and paid for that place", right?] Yeah. And the value of the real estate alone has practically... what? Doubled? Tripled? ...In the last fifteen years? So I guess that was a real hardship wasn't it? But neither of us ever had the chance to "buy" our share of the pie. We just have to wait and see if the old man left us any more crumbs. That is if there is anything left, after six months a year in Vegas for the last five years. Hey! Who’s to say we're not gonna go through all this crap only to find out that dear old Daddy didn't have a penny left?
(Laughs derisively, giving up.) "One last wish." Ha. Yeah. Sure. Fine. Why not? It's not like we haven't all spent our lives jumping through hoops for Dear Old Dad. So what's one more? [I mean]come on, Pete. Don't you get what all this "final wish" crap is really all about...? Isn't it obvious? This whole setup... it's a "control" thing. It's the old man trying to show us he's still in charge. No, no! Think about it: A man dies. He's a widower so he only has three sons to leave everything to anyway... But, before they can collect their inheritance, they have to go fishing for cryin' out loud. Why? When was the last time either of you went fishing? (He gets no answer.) [There! You see?] Exactly! And he always knew I hated fishing. And the only reason to make someone do something you know they'll hate is to prove that you still have power over them.
Dramatic Mologues
3) PETER’S "ANTI-CELL PHONE RANT"
PETER
[(Sneering, mimicking.)"I need to check my voice mail"] I don't believe it. It's four in the morning, we're in the middle of a lake miles from nowhere and I still can't get away from people with those friggin' phones.(Muttering.) "I need to check my voice-mail." I am getting so sick of hearing people say that. What is it with everybody these days and their stupid beepers and pagers and voice-mail and e-mail. You got somethin' to say? Wait until the next time you're in the room with the person and say it. [Of course, everyone always says they just "can’t afford to be out of touch that long."And] You know, I might buy that argument if we were talking about a world leader, or a surgeon, or even ---I don't know--- a volunteer fire-fighter who's on-call or something. But we're not. It's always some stupid, snotty teenager who just has to take a phone call in the middle of the movie at the movie theater.
Or it's the stupid blonde bimbo who's always sitting ahead of you at the stoplight ---smacking her friggin' bubble-gum and twirling her hair or doing her make-up--- gossiping-away with some other airhead even though the bloody light's been green for almost a minute. OR... it's some idiot, nerd, moron who wants everyone to know he's got the latest annoying musical tune for his cell-phone playing it over and over again at the loudest volume possible while you're stuck waiting in line with him somewhere you have to be ---like a bank or a grocery store--- so you can't just leave and you can't even kill the stupid fart because there's too many witnesses!
Dramatic Monologue
4) HARRISON "THE DEAL"
HARRISON
Okay, okay. Fine. I'll tell you. I won't go into all the details because---
(Beat. Waiting impatiently.) Hey! Do you guys wanna know or don't you? (Beat.) Okay then. What I was going to say was, I can't go into details. They're confidential. But basically, I'm in a bit of a bind. My company's going to squeeze me out. It's not official yet but I know it's coming. One of the owners has been fast-tracking her own kid up through the ranks and the next stop is in my office. Only, there's no more room in my office so somebody's gonna have to get the chop and I'm pretty sure she's planning on giving the kid my desk. The other guys in my area are all either family members or have way more seniority than me, so it looks like it's gonna be me. Sure. [I could complain, but] it wouldn't do any good. That's not the way the world works. Basically, she hasn't done anything wrong yet ---that anybody can prove--- and by the time she does, well, I won't be around to complain. [But that] isn't the point [anyway]. I can look after myself. The trick is: knowing when to move on. You overstay your welcome somewhere and everybody'll know it forever after. They can smell it on you. It's like the... perfume of defeat. And once people smell it on you... you can't get arrested. So I'm looking to get out now, when I'm pretty much the only one who knows what's coming down the line and I'm still a whiz-kid so far as everyone else is concerned. I've got feelers out to a few other houses that have shown more than a little interest in my numbers over the years. A couple have already shown... more active interest, which is good. But the one I want, the big one I'm holding out for is still on the fence. They're waiting to see how a deal I've got going right now is gonna go down. It's the biggest one I've ever put together and there's a lot riding on it. If it goes down the way I think it's going to, I'll have my choice of top-floor corner-offices before the week's out and everybody's happy. Especially the woman who's looking to see me out the door, 'cause then she doesn't have to get her hands even a little dusty. ---That's also good 'cause she's a heavy player and much better to have on your side than against you. And as long as I get out soon enough, she'll be on my side.---So anyway... the long and short is, the deal's going down this weekend, it touches four continents and at last check it was a lock... which is the only reason I still agreed to come on this weekend. I wasn't supposed to hear another thing about it until the news breaks Monday morning that I'm a genius. No one concerned was supposed to call me for any reason. At all. Unless something was wrong. So when my phone rings and it's Rick Yohama, my guy in Tokyo, and he's in on the deal and the only words I can make out are "...getting KILLED", can you understand why I might be a little stressed-out here?
Dramatic Monologues
6) HARRISON "ON WOMEN AND ‘MOTHERING’"
HARRISON
I'm not a freak. I just don't--- I don't like being treated like I'm four years old and not allowed to tie my own shoes or cross the street by myself. Sounds to me like she's just showing she cares about you. Oh yeah. Women are great at caring. Unfortunately, it's a very short trip from caring to mothering and most women just love to make that little journey as soon as they can. It's like... you've gone on three dates and all of a sudden they're fussing all over you, fixing stuff that doesn't need fixing just so they can send you the message. The message that it's a good thing they came along to take care of you because clearly there's all this stuff you don't know how to do. Oh, they make it look all cutesy and thoughtful when they straighten your tie ---even though it's already straight--- or fix your hair ---even though it looked just fine before--- but what they're really saying is: Look how much fixing up you need. It's a wonder you survived this long without them. That kind of help I don't need. I got enough of that crap from the old man. Look, I don't like people trying to control me, that's all. It's like Amy with her tie-straightening, or Dad always pushing me to join some stupid club or sports team. I hate being mothered, alright? I had a mother. She was nice ---even if she was a bit of a hippie-flake--- but I don't need to repeat the experience. Now you wanna fish? Let's fish.
Dramatic Monologues
13) MATT’S MOST PAINFUL MOMENT
MATT
I laid it all on the line for a woman once. Well, okay she wasn't exactly a woman. I was thirteen and there was this girl in my class... Michelle. God, she was beautiful. I had the biggest crush on her. Of course, so did almost every other guy. I knew I'd never have a chance with her but I went to the grade eight dance anyway with only one purpose in mind. Get Michelle to slow-dance with me. I figured if I could just dance with her once, even if it was just that one time, well... Anyway, I went, figuring I'd have to fight my way through a line of guys just to get close to her. But when I got there... I couldn't believe it. Nobody was asking anybody to dance. The guys were all on one side of the gym, combing their hair and checking their watches and trying not to look like they were watching the girls. The girls were all on the other side of the gym, huddled in little groups, whispering to each other and pretending not to care if the guys were watching them or not. And there was Michelle. She was sitting there listening to some friends of hers. She looked nervous and vulnerable, kind of lonely and just... irresistably beautiful. And that was when I realized, this was my chance. All the other guys who were looking at her the same way I was, were all too nervous to go near her. So I took a deep breath, walked right over to her and asked her to dance. And she said, "No." Nothing else. Just no. I've never felt so many different things at one time. It was like a kick to the stomach, but also like a cold fist crushing my heart. I felt like I had a fever, like my skin was on fire, but at the same time I felt frozen inside. My heart was broken. My pride was shattered. And that was when I realized I was going to throw up... and that somehow I had to make it back across the gym before that happened. So I turned and started walking away. God, I felt awful. I knew it would be impossible to ever feel worse than I did at that moment. And then I heard Michelle... laughing at me.