Havoc in Far Headingley

HAVOC IN FAR HEADINGLEY

(In Celebration of the Cottage Road Cinema Centenary, July 2012)

Feel someone brush against your coat?

It’s TheInvisible Man,

He’s sneaked past you,

Past the ticket office without paying,

Without acknowledging

Willy Wonka who’s serving tea and coffee

And selling orange Poppets.

Now you climb the red concertina Steps,

As if there’s Thirty-Nine of them,

And this could be the Oscars.

But tonight it’s ‘Classics at the Cottage’

And the place is teeming with High Society.

You head for the plushPullmanseats,

Feel a sudden surge of Vertigo,

You steady yourself, sit down slowly,

The air is warm, but you won’t doze off.

It’s not going to be The Big Sleep –

Too many bizarre things have happened.

Remember The PurpleRose of Cairo,

How characters stepped out of the film.

It can be terrifying – like whenKing Kong

Crashed through the screen, shambled

Out of the cinema, crossed Cottage Road

And got into a fight with Superman,

A drunken maths student in fancy dress.

Or when Jane Fonda caused traffic accidents

By flaunting her Barbarella looks

In the doorway of a Greek restaurant.

But nobody can tell who’s real or not.

You don’t care. Fantasy figures are cool.

You are the spirit of Cottage Road Cinema,

A tall, lean, hundred-year-old man,

Wearing steampunk goggles.

You feel avuncular towards the audience.

They think you’re magic from another era.

You deserve a blue plaque. A telegram.

It was nearly Goodbye, Mr Chips,

When someone tried to close you down.

But you survived, you were saved,

The community breathes a sigh of relief.

You are their star, their magic lantern,

Kind to children and adults alike,

You were the first to show Harry Potter

One minute after midnight chimed;

You threw a party,TheRocky Horror Picture Show.

And Mamma Mia! too. We all joined in.

Tonight the film isGreat Expectations.

Old-fashioned adverts grace the screen.

It’s cosy and good-natured here.

Marilyn is selling ices. Jane Russell holds a torch.

Previews of coming attractions loom large.

Your usually jovial mind wanders:

One day, you fear,movies will be downloaded

To the brain like music to an MP3 player.

Thoughts and dreams will be controlled,

All cinemas made redundant.

Come on, Mr Cottage Road! Cheer up!

There’s havoc in Far Headingley –

Debbie Reynolds is waiting outside for you.

You’ll walk hand-in-handSingin’ in the Rain.

Linda Marshall