Ext. Movie Theatre Night
COLD OPEN
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE—NIGHT
SETH, EMILY, PILE, and JAKE, who is wearing a corny movie theatre employee outfit, walk out of the theatre.
JAKE
See you guys tomorrow.
EMILY
Bye, thanks for the discount!
SETH
Wait, Jake, before we go-
JAKE
Yeah?
SETH
Could you go fetch me another tub of popcorn?
JAKE
Go get it yourself.
SETH
Ugh! Customer knows best.
JAKE
Your hilarious Seth. You should go do stand up somewhere.
SETH
Jake, I think I hear the gum on the floor calling you!
PILE
I don’t hear anything.
JAKE
Whatever, I have to go start the midnight showing of “beauty and the Beast”
Jake enters the theatre.
EMILY
Let’s go.
They begin to walk towards the car.
EMILY
Does anyone else find it odd that there’s a midnight showing of beauty and he beast? That makes absolutely no sense
SETH
Ha, yeah, that’s funny.
By this time they have reached Emily’s car, a generic minivan.
SETH
I call front!
PILE
Oh, come on, Emily’s back seat is all gooey and it makes my butt feel weird.
SETH
Way too much info their short stuff.
EMILY
Seth, get in the back, you got the front on the way here.
SETH
What are you my mom?
EMILY gives SETH the hairy Eyeball.
SETH
Jeez, fine mom.
Seth gets in the back, Emily gets in the driver’s seat, Pile gets in the passenger seat. The car drives off.
CUT TO:
INT. CAR—NIGHT
We get a view through the front windshield. SETH is kicking Pile’s chair. PILE bounces forward with each kick.
PILE
Knock it o-o-o-off!
SETH
Knock it o-o-o-o-ff!
EMILY
SETH! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
SETH
Fine.
A beat. SETH then knocks PILE’s big tub of popcorn into the air.
SETH
Take that!
EMILY
AAUGH!
PILE
My Popcorn!
EMILY swerves, then there is a loud thud, and the car comes to a stop.
THEME SONG
EXT. ROAD IN WOODS—NIGHT
SETH, EMILY, and PILE surround a deer which appears to be dead.
PILE
I cannot believe we killed Bambi.
SETH
Emily, you’re a murderer.
EMILY
I-I-I . . .
PILE begins to cry.
CUT TO:
A shot of the minivan. The back pops open and out flies YOLANDA, wearing a lab coat, and a stethoscope; she has a large black bag with a Red Cross symbol on it. As she runs toward the deer she puts a pair of rubber gloves on. Emily and Seth show pure surprise. Pile is to busy crying to notice.
YOLANDA
It looks grim but I’ve saved worse.
Pile looks up from his tears.
PILE
Doctor? Do you think he’ll be all right?
YOLANDA
She’ll be fine lad. But this is no “he”; you nailed a doe. Possibly even a mother.
EMILY
I-I-I, I didn’t mean too!
YOLANDA
No one blames you mam, just your terrible driving.
Emily squeaks, Pile begins to cry again.
SETH
Are you people serious? It’s just a deer.
Yolanda jumps up with a scowl on her face; she begins to poke SETH in the chest really hard while shouting.
YOLANDA
Just a deer? Just a deer? Every life counts man, that’s why I joined this business, my life revolves around saving others. So don’t you tell me that this poor deer, who was just minding its business till this madwoman-
Yolanda motions to Emily, who bursts into tears.
YOLANDA
Came and knocked the life out of it. Just a deer? Ugh.
Yolanda kneels back down.
SETH
(Although he makes like he doesn’t care a nervous tone is noted in his voice)
Um, Whatever.
Yolanda stands up, and removes her gloves.
YOLANDA
Well it looks like it’s going to live. It has a bit of a broken leg though. Someone needs to care for it.
Pile looks up from his tears, and sniffles a bit.
PILE
I’ll do it. We have plenty of room down at the Pile family farm.
YOLANDA
That’ll do just fine. Well, goodnight good citizens, oh, and goodnight Emily.
Emily picks her head up, still crying.
EMILY
(Crackly)
What’s that supposed to mean!
YOLANDA
Nothing, just good night.
Yolanda dashes into the woods.
PILE
There goes a brave, brave woman.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE—NIGHT
Jake walks out of the movie theatre, turns, and locks the door. He makes his way towards his car, gets in and drives off. Next we see him driving down the road with his radio on, all of the sudden; Yolanda pops out of the woods and dashes in front of his car holding one hand up as if to signal “stop.” Jake skids to a halt. And rolls down his window.
JAKE
Yolanda, what the heck are you doing? It’s one O’clock in the morning!
Yolanda enters the car.
YOLANDA
Justice never sleeps, my friend, justice never sleeps.
JAKE
Of course. It was stupid of me to think my older sister wouldn’t be running around alone in the woods wearing a stethoscope and rubber gloves.
YOLANDA
I knew you’d understand.
EXT. JAKES BALCONY—DAY
Seth, Emily, Jake, and Pile sit at the table playing cards. Jake lays two cards face down.
JAKE
Two fives, so where is it staying?
Emily lays down one card face down. The group goes in a clockwise motion placing various amounts of cards down through out the following dialogue:
EMILY
One six, it’s staying at Pile’s farm.
PILE
One seven. Yeah, me and Mr. Bo-jangles are having a great time.
SETH
Three eight’s, you named it Mr.Bo-jangles? Are you serious?
JAKE
B.S.
PILE
No I really did name him that!
JAKE
No, B.S. as in Seth did not really lay down three eights.
Jake picks up the last three cards revealing 2 eights and one seven. Seth takes the card from Jake and adds them to his hand.
SETH
Big deal, were just getting’ started.
JAKE
One nine. Wait, who was driving?
EMILY
Two tens; it wasn’t my fault! I couldn’t see, Piles popcorn was in my eyes!
PILE
It wasn’t my fault!
SETH
B.S.!
EMILY
No, look at them, they really are two tens!
SETH
No, I was saying that it was Piles fault.
PILE
Twas not!
EMILY
Oh get over yourself Seth; it was totally your fault.
SETH
Whatever.
PILE
Three jacks.
SETH
One queen.
JAKE
Two kings, wait, Yolanda actually saved the deer?
EMILY
Three aces, no way, Yolanda just wrapped its leg in some kind of towel. I’m definitely bringing it to a real vet.
PILE & SETH
B.S.!
EMILY reaches for the cards and puts them back in her hand.
EMILY
Ugh, fine.
PILE
No, I was B.S.-ing your doubt of Yolanda’s doctoring skills. She is a miracle worker who healed Mr. Bo-Jangles!
EMILY
That’s B.S. Yolanda’s just a crazy woman!
JAKE
B.S.! That’s my sister you’re talking about!
SETH
Oh B.S., you’re the one who keeps complaining that your dad won’t send her off to some kind of asylum!
PILE
B.S.! Yolanda belongs in a top ranking hospital, not an asylum!
SETH
Oh that’s total B.S., the only hospital Yolanda belongs in is a mental hospital!
PILE
I won’t stand for all this B.S., I’m going home to play with Mr.BJ.
PILE storms off.
EMILY
I think we should stick to go-fish.
SETH
It’s sad that the game B.S. is above us.
JAKE
That’s B.S.!
MONTAGE:
(Preferable Song: Mr. Bo-Jangles)
The montage is of Pile playing with Mr. Bo-jangles in the Pile Family Ranch. As the montage goes on, you can tell that Mr. Bo-jangles is getting better. The last scene in the montage is of Pile wearing a cowboy hat, riding Mr. Bo-jangles out of Pile Family ranch.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PARK—DAY
JAKE, EMILY, and SETH sit on a bench enjoying Ice cream cones. The bench is made of curvy black metal, and there is a medium sized fountain behind them. It is a very nice day.
EMILY
Isn’t this park just beautiful?
SETH
Sure.
JAKE
I like the fountain.
EMILY
What about the trees? That beautiful weeping willow,
EMILY points in various off-screen directions. Behind the fountain, in the distance, you see PILE ride by on top of Mr. Bo jangles.
EMILY
Or look at that beautiful sugar maple, or my personal favorite, the Ginkgo.
SETH
More like stinko.
A beat.
JAKE
That is quite possibly the absolute most terrible joke I have ever heard in my entire life.
Just then Pile pops out on Mr. Bo-jangles, Mr. Bo-jangles rear’s up and Pile holds his hat on his head.
PILE
Yeeeee-haw!
Mr. Bo jangles returns to a four leg down position, and PILE hops off.
JAKE
Wow, I guess Yolanda really did do a good job.
EMILY
It probably was never even hurt.
SETH
Woah, can I ride it?
PILE
Sure Seth! Hop on!
Seth hops onto the deer, and it gallops off.
EMILY
You are going to destroy that deer’s back!
PILE
Dr. Do-alot said it was perfectly fine.
EMILY
Is that what Yolanda is calling herself now?
JAKE
She just saw the movie.
EMILY
Ugh, that is so Yolanda, see it when it’s a blockbuster hit! I doubt she even knows who Hugh Lofting is!
You can see SETH having problems on Mr. Bo jangles in the background.
JAKE
What’s with this recent grudge against my sister?
EMILY
Nothing, she’s just so ridiculous! I mean c’mon? Does she actually think she can do anything she claims to be able to do?
Just then, SETH flies off of Mr. Bo jangles into the fountain, hitting his head hard on the cement structure.
PILE
Osa-my-gosh! Did you guy’s just see that? I think Seth might be hurt!
Yolanda swings down, clutching a few weeping willow branches.
YOLANDA
Don’t worry, I’m here! Where is he?
PILE
That way Dr. Do-alot!
YOLANDA
Thanks young man!
The camera follows Yolanda as she runs to the fountain, and dives into the one foot pool. She flops over to Seth gets him in the cradle hold, and rushes him back to the bench. After drying his head, and wiping away the blood, she pulls bandages from her large black bag, and wraps them around Seth’s head. Seth is unconscious.
YOLANDA
Pile, go get help!
PILE
I’m on it!
Pile whistles and Mr. Bo jangles runs up to him. Pile jumps on and gallops off. Yolanda checks Seth for a pulse.
YOLANDA
It looks like he’ll be okay.
Emily and Jake stand frozen with their mouth’s open.
YOLANDA
I’ve got to go, justice calls.
Yolanda dashes off.
EMILY
This proves nothing.
EXT. BALCONY—DAY
Jake, Emily, Seth, and Pile sit at the table, there is a pizza upon it, every once in a while someone takes a slice. Seth’s head is covered in bandages.
SETH
The doctors say it is possible I would have died if it wasn’t for your sister, Jake.
JAKE
That’s pretty cool.
SETH
Yeah, I’d like to thank her, I mean, for saving my life and all. Is she home?
JAKE
No, she’s never around.
EMILY
Yeah right, she has nothing better to do than follow us around all day. I bet she’s somewhere close right now, listening in on our conversation.
SETH
Let her be! She freaking saved my life!
PILE
Mr. Bo-jangles helped me get help!
SETH
What, you still have that deer? You mean they didn’t put it down?
PILE
WHAT?!
SETH
That thing almost killed me! I’m getting it put down!
PILE
Not Mr. BJ!
SETH
Ho yeah!
EMILY
Seth, that is completely unreasonable. We should simply call animal control and have them send it to a hospital where it can get properly looked at.
PILE
WHAT?!
SETH
No way, I’m getting animal control to put it down! I’m going home to set the arrangements right now!
PILE
Seth, golly, please no!
Seth storms off.
EMILY
I’m going to go check hospitals for openings. Maybe they can run a few tests on it spine, I mean, how much do you weigh Pile, 250? A doe should not be able to hold that much weight.
PILE
Emily! Those tests will be torture for him!
EMILY
And carrying you on her back isn’t? Speaking of which, shouldn’t it be Mrs. Bo Jangles?
PILE
Mrs. . . ?
EMILY exits.
PILE
They wouldn’t really do that, would they Jake?
JAKE
Umm, well, your dear did kind of almost kill Seth, and Emily did kind of hit it with a car, and uhh, Yolanda has only been a doctor for a few day’s.
PILE
No! Not Mr. Bo-jangles! They can’t!
JAKE
Mrs. Bo-jangles
PILE
No, I named it “Mr.”, it’s “Mr.” Bojangles.
JAKE
No, Pile, it’s a doe.
PILE
Oh Jake, you can be a laugh and a half sometimes, it’s pronounced, “dee-ur”
JAKE
No, pile a doe is-
PILE
“Dee-ur”
JAKE
Pile you don’t understand a doe is a fee-
PILE
Jake, it’s “dee-ur” say it with me “dee-uhr”
JAKE
Ugh. (a beat) Pile, it is a girl deer.
PILE
No, it’s obviously a boy deer, why do you think I named it Mr. Bo-jangles? Honestly Jake, it’s not rocket science, aren’t you supposed to be at, like, the top of the class?
JAKE
Pile, did you ever see the sound of music?
PILE
Only about 3 hundred and 12 times!
JAKE
You know the song where it’s like “Doe-“
PILE