Defining Sobriety
In SAA we do not define sobriety for the group or place behavior boundaries that everyone must follow in order to be considered “sober”. Each member defines his or her own sobriety terms. This may sound counterintuitive but we have found through our own experiences to be the most effective. Because each member’s behaviors are different it would be difficult for us to say as a group “This is okay to do. This is not.” Some members may have issues with a certain compulsive behavior while others do not have an issue with that same behavior. For instance, a member might be dealing with the issue of compulsive masturbation to the point where it has caused harm, damaged relationships and made life unmanageable. That individual then would list masturbation as a behavior they must abstain from in order to remain “sober”. But another member of the group may not have an issue with compulsive masturbation and find it to be a healthy part of their sexual intimacy. It would be unfair, and unproductive, for the group to make “no masturbation” a general requirement for everyone’s “sobriety”. So each member decides what sexual behaviors he or she must abstain from for themselves.
Spouses, partners, and family members are generally discouraged from defining the addict’s sobriety. If someone, other than the addict themselves, defines their sobriety for them, it removes the responsibility of the addict to acknowledge their behaviors and addiction and places it on the loved one. If the addict has little responsibility then they are likely to do little work. This also tends to build resentment between the addict and loved one as one side (the addict) is being told what they must do and give up, basically given an ultimatum, and the other side (the loved one or “co-addict”) feels the unnecessary burden of responsibility for the addicts boundaries and feels like they have become their warden.
Many addicts in recovery have stated that, while they were in their addiction they turned away from responsibilities, making decisions, and the truth of their actions and behaviors and instead chose to act out in their addiction to “escape” those burdens and truths. In recovery, we face those decisions and truths. In order for change to be able to occur we need to be honest with ourselves as to what needs to change. We face the reality of our behaviors and choices and make a decision to abstain from those that hurt ourselves and those around us. The choice to strive for and remain sober must be addict’s responsibility. No one can be sober for us.
Making the decision to become sober and being honest about what is required to remain sober requires courage. This is where working the SAA program is essential. By coming to meetings and listening to others in recovery the addict is able to find encouragement and support along the path of recovery. Working with a sponsor can give the addict wisdom and perspective when defining their sobriety and building and working a recovery program that with help with maintaining that sobriety. The recovering addict may work with their sponsor to utilize the tools of the SAA program such as defining their “Three Circles” and working the 12 Steps. The responsibility of defining our sobriety is our own but we are not without help and support from those who have gone through this before.
With special thanks to the Las Vegas SAA groupwww.houstonsaa.org