ELAINE RATNER’S
VERY PESONAL GUIDE TO
BEATING SERIOUS DISEASE
Five years ago, I found two lumps in my left breast that were malignant. I was diagnosed at an early, treatable stage of the disease. I had surgery, and the cancer has not recurred.
As I struggled with the fear and uncertainty of having cancer, I learned to take control of my health, relationships and attitudes.
There is no substitute for good medical treatment. However, I believe that coping well with the psychological side of serious illness is a critical part of the healing process.
WHAT WORKED FOR ME
- Avoid the worry trap. You can’t help worrying when you’re sick. But if you become obsessive about your illness, you will exhaust yourself – making it harder for your body to heal.
Constant worry also drains the joy out of life at a time when you need pleasure most.
The best way to control worry is distraction. During the weeks of waiting for test results, I stayed busy with activities that kept my mind off my illness – working, talking, being with friends…and going out more than I normally would have.
I needed noise, company and bustle to stay distracted. Other people find that hobbies, such as reading, gardening or working on crafts, keep their minds occupied.
Rituals also help. Whenever I left my doctor’s office, I would get into my car, turn on the tape player and listen to my favorite music for a few minutes.
This ritual eased the transition from the world of sickness and medicine back to the rest of my life. I didn’t feel as though my whole life was taken over by doctors, hospitals and my role as patient.
Any activity or action that makes you feel strong and in charge of your life can function as a ritual.
Examples: Taking a walk…soaking in a bubble bath…working out…wearing a favorite watch or scarf to the doctor’s office.
- Collaborate with your doctor. People who take an active role in their treatment have better recovery rates than those who are passive.
Most doctors want to do all they can to help you get well – but they’re busy. They usually won’t explore what’s on your mind. So if there’s something you don’t understand or need to discuss with your doctor, say so.
Example: The surgeon who did my biopsy relied heavily on medical jargon. I had to keep asking him, What does that mean? So I saw another surgeon. He spoke to me in plain English. He helped me clearly understand my options. I chose him to perform my cancer surgery. The first surgeon was equally qualified – but this choice gave me a much greater sense of control over my health.
- Trust your body’s ability to heal. Think about all the things you body has recovered from over the course of your life – from bruises to broken bones. Some bodies heal more slowly than others – but all bodies are built to heal.
Resist the urge to compare your progress with anyone else’s. Have faith that your body is doing everything it can to get well.
- Get support. Don’t feel guilty about asking for help. Asking for and receiving support eases the burden on you…and makes other people feel better.
Friends and family members want to help, but they may be afraid to intrude…or they may fear doing the wrong thing.
They don’t know whether you want to talk about the illness or avoid talking about it…whether you would rather have company or be alone. Say specifically what you need.
Examples: I just want you to listen while I talk…I’d like someone to come with me to mydoctor’s appointment…I’m too tired to cook – could you make some meals for me to put in the freezer?
- Don’t hide the details of illness from your children. It’s natural to want to protect kids from fear and pain. But kids know when something is wrong. If you shut them out, they’ll imagine things are worse than they actually are.
I let my nine-year-old touch my breast lump before surgery…and she helped change my bandages after the operation. By watching me cope, she learned that illness doesn’t have to be overwhelming.
At the same time, don’t let sickness become the family’s focus. Ask others about what’s happening at school or at work. Make it clear that what goes on in the lives of other family members is just as important as what is going on in your life.
- Be open to emotions. Don’t try to banish negative feelings from your life. Fear and anger are natural reactions to a crisis. They help mobilize your body’s resources for healing.
People who get angry at their diseases, studies have found, are more likely to fight them successfully than people who resign themselves to being sick.
Facing your mortality can be a powerful motivator. Many people credit serious illness with forcing them to make positive changes they had only talked about before – from switching jobs to volunteering to learning to fly a plane.
If you’re unhappy with your job, relationships or any other aspect of your life, think about how to make each of those areas better.
Avoid situations and people that drag you down. Do more of whatever makes you feel great. Ask yourself, What haven’t I done that I would feel bad about having missed? Do those things now.