How to Handle Emotionally Charged Situations In the Workplace

Pamela Jett Aal

Rockhurst University Continuing Education Audio Conference

Listened on 7/4/2009

Notes on line: http://images.ruceci.com/pdfs/TSCSEbook.pdf - To order call 1-800-258-7246 or www.RockhurstTraining.com

My Notes

·  Paid to be emotionally mature, calm cool, collected – even when other people are flying off the handle.

·  Absolute worst thing in emotionally charge situations – calm down (because doesn’t work) – triggers defensiveness and hostility; ratchet up intensity (any – chill, breathe, cool, relax)

·  They think what they have to say is important so emotions high

·  Good energy – overcome by emotion – then channel to productivity

·  Emotions mismanaged – poor customer service, poor management

·  Secret to think before speak

·  “Out of control emotions can make even smart people stupid.”

o  Students too.

o  Have less control with emotions.

·  William James – father of Psychology: Deepest need of the human soul is to be understood (empathy)

·  In emotionally charged situation: “I understand” – no you don’t or patronized (or techniqued), it is overused – instead (I agree or your right, that’s correct, tell me more)

·  90% reasonable or rational exploders or hotheaded (express not appropriately) – what is the seed of rationality – agree with something reasonable and rational

·  We are able to calm ourselves down instantly

o  Say to self – halt (give a moment to stop, evaluate own feelings, evaluate why behavior) – hungry, angry, lonely, tired

o  Based on neuroscience – breathe deep (don’t pant)

o  React emotionally instead of respond rationally

§  Math in head (not count to 10) - Think of the names of the 7 dwarfs – (happy big ddss) - happy, grumpy, sleepy, sneezy, bashful, doc, dopey)

§  Coping statements 2 components – positive and present tense (I am calm)

§  3 C’s of conflict communication (see page 6) – build stronger relationships

·  Clarity of purpose1 (understand our goals/objectives – most be focused on being right, winner) – difference being effective

·  Commitment to the relationship

o  Stop saying I disagree, instead: I see it differently

o  To result and relationship

o  Effective confrontation

§  When (passive voice) ______I ______

·  Confidence to stay the course

o  Difficult people are difficult because they learned it (train that it won’t work with you) – broken record with boundary statements (be ready for come backs)

§  E.g.: You’re right it is a great project and if you can show objectives I’m being held for accountable – I would be happy to look at funding

o  Understand what is motivating other person

§  Talk to self internally: What are they afraid of?

o  Backstabbers/gossipers

§  Is this something I want to confront or let go of (want to get wound up – may feed to goal) – confront cost v. benefit

§  Give opportunity escape face (in private) – things are being said that aren’t true– I’m covering bases and requesting if you’re doing this, please stop – I know you’ll understand

·  I see that this is upsetting you, I’ll give you a few moments to gather your thoughts (you leave and enter); stop and wait; some use tears to manipulate

·  If need to leave -- Excuse self (how) – difficult. I want to make sure I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I’ll be back ...

·  Mediation – I’m going to interrupt so we can take a break and we all recollect our thoughts. What I believe you are trying to convey Bob, what are your thoughts.

·  Non-verbal communication: I’m sensing that you’re dissatisfied – is that correct?

·  Foul language – I want to make sure I heard you correctly, could you repeat that?

Start / Stop / Continue
I agree, your right, that’s correct, tell me more
To self (H.A.L.T.)
I see it differently
Boundary statement repeatedly
Think: What are they afraid of? / Calm down, relax
I understand
I disagree
When you... / Try to understand other
Breathe deep
Math in head (3 digit addition or cubes)
Say: I am calm
Passive voice
Hide your goat
Stop-look-listen