GIRL MONOLOGUE
From Chemical Bonding
DANI, 18, is giving the salutatorian speech at her high school graduation.
Congratulations class of 2010! We have officially made it! Thirteen years, and for someof us, more, I’m talking to you Jacob, have culminated in this moment. I never thought I would be standing here today… Actually I’m not going to read this. This speech is terrible. They made me write this inmy communications class and it’s awful. I just wanna talk to you, okay?
(pause. She tries to think of something to say.)
…Graduation…Is anybody else out there liketotally terrified? I know I shouldn’t because I’m like salutatorian and all; I would havebeen valedictorian except for Mr. Jackson’s long-term sub, but I’m not going to get intothat. But it’s like: part of me just wants to stay in homeroom forever, you know? Andthen part of me is like, no, you should burn everything to the ground and then spit on theashes, you know? I’m not going to do that, Officer Weeks. I’m totally over that.But um… we’re done with high school. And we’re moving on. Yeah.
(she stands there.)
So okay that wasn’t better than what I had on the cards. Do I have time to do thatover?
GIRL MONOLOGUE
From Chemical Bonding
DANI, 18, is giving the salutatorian speech at her high school graduation.
Congratulations class of 2010! We have officially made it! Thirteen years, and for some of us, more, I’m talking to you Jacob, have culminated in this moment. I never thought I would be standing here today… Actually I’m not going to read this. This speech is terrible. They made me write this in my communications class and it’s awful. I just wanna talk to you, okay?
(pause. She tries to think of something to say.)
…Graduation…Is anybody else out there like totally terrified? I know I shouldn’t because I’m like salutatorian and all; I would have been valedictorian except for Mr. Jackson’s long-term sub, but I’m not going to get into that. But it’s like: part of me just wants to stay in homeroom forever, you know? And then part of me is like, no, you should burn everything to the ground and then spit on the ashes, you know? I’m not going to do that, Officer Weeks. I’m totally over that. But um… we’re done with high school. And we’re moving on. Yeah.
(she stands there.)
So okay that wasn’t better than what I had on the cards. Do I have time to do that over?
BOY MONOLOGUE
From 10 Ways to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse
SAM, 20ish, is giving an inspirational speech to a few survivors of the zombie apocalypse.
Now listen up troops. We’ve only got a few minutes before the zombies cross that ridge so it’stime for me to give an inspirational speech…Now you might think to yourself: What can I do, one person, against an army of unstoppablezombies? We’ve seen them. We know how many there are. A lot. I mean, so many zombies thatthey can literally walk over each other to climb up skyscrapers. I don’t need to tell you that that’sa lot of zombies. And yes, we’re likely to die horribly and then rise from the dead and join themin a tidal wave of nightmarish destruction that will sweep over the planet. That’s a likelyscenario. Hopefully we won’t feel too much pain. Probably will. Probably be excruciating. Youknow when you go the dentist? This is going to be a lot worse than that. This is going to be like amillion dentists poking you at the same time. I know what you’re thinking: How will all thosedentists even reach me? But let’s say they’re tiny dentists. But their needles still hurt as much asregular-sized needles. That’s probably in the same range of the amount of pain we’re likely tofeel when the zombies tear us limb from limb. What was I talking about again?
BOY MONOLOGUE
From 10 Ways to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse
SAM, 20ish, is giving an inspirational speech to a few survivors of the zombie apocalypse.
Now listen up troops. We’ve only got a few minutes before the zombies cross that ridge so it’s time for me to give an inspirational speech…Now you might think to yourself: What can I do, one person, against an army of unstoppable zombies? We’ve seen them. We know how many there are. A lot. I mean, so many zombies that they can literally walk over each other to climb up skyscrapers. I don’t need to tell you that that’s a lot of zombies. And yes, we’re likely to die horribly and then rise from the dead and join them in a tidal wave of nightmarish destruction that will sweep over the planet. That’s a likely scenario. Hopefully we won’t feel too much pain. Probably will. Probably be excruciating. You know when you go the dentist? This is going to be a lot worse than that. This is going to be like a million dentists poking you at the same time. I know what you’re thinking: How will all those dentists even reach me? But let’s say they’re tiny dentists. But their needles still hurt as much as regular-sized needles. That’s probably in the same range of the amount of pain we’re likely to feel when the zombies tear us limb from limb. What was I talking about again?