Things you wouldn't hear a Southerner say **
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
That's o.k., we don't need any gravy.
Take that pink flamingo ornament off the lawn, are you Crazy; what would the neighbors think?
Note: lawn boy statue can be substituted)
We can't possibly use another black velvet Jesus or Elvis portrait at this house.
What in the world are Chester and Thelma Mae going to do with 20 pounds of deer bologna?
Don't put the old refrigerator on the front porch; it looks tacky.
Can you believe Delmas and Bobbie Sue are burning trash? It's bad for the environment!
Can we do boneless chicken breasts in Marsala Wine Sauce tonight? I'm tired of fried.
Let's get the coon dogs spayed.
Where's the nearest Midas Muffler Shop?
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate
open.
--Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
--The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
--The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and
tired of putting up with her shit.
--Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
--Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
--Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married!
--Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
--On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
--Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
--Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge,
Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
--Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
--Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
--Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
--Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
--Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
======
The Second Amendment was created so that the citizens can sleep good at night, and the politicians don't.
A woman asks a friend to help her shop for a dress for her upcoming wedding. They start looking in the white dress area. The friend says "You shouldn't be looking for white, that's for virgins and you've been married three times". The woman says "That's true, I have been married three times
but I'm still a virgin." "How's that?", asked the friend. The woman said "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it.
My second was a lawyer and all he wanted to do was argue about it.
My third was a stamp collector----God I miss him!"
Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around...
The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!"
Of course he gets no response.....
The first alien looks at his buddy, and then addresses the pump again..
"Earthling, I said take me to your leader!"
Of course, still no response....
The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"
At that, the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time..
"Earthling take me to your leader!"
Still nothing.
So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump....
The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?"
The second replies "Well,
I didn't know exactly what was going to happen.
But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis.
Isn't it simply grand to have a dong.
It's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick...
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock,
And you won't a-come a-back
Jack is one horny real estate guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the steet to the local
brothal and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horney but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells Jack, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem."
She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the door behind her. With the eagerness of a teenager he quickly undresses. Once naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to fuck the chicken. As soon as Jack develops a
rythym he starts to enjoy himself a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while until all that built up frustration is finally released.
Jack can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience. One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.
"Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells Jack. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches.
Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other.
Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "this is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing.....last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken.
There were two Prudential agents were eating their lunch at 5 Mile Lake
watching a water skiier go by. All of a sudden the skiier falls into the
water The skiier had been below for quite a while. So one of the
agents
says to the other, "Hey we have to get him out before he drowns!"
They both jump in and start diving till finally they come out with a
body.
They lay the body on the beach and one of them says "We can't let him
die,
I'll give him C.P.R."
So he starts giving him C.P.R. After a few minutes he gets up and says
"Holy moly, this guy has bad breath!" He can't continue.
The other agent says "Well move over....we can't let him die!"
A few minutes later he gives up, disgusted and says, "Youre right he
does
have bad breath"
The other agent, standing behind, pauses for a moment and says" Wasn't
the
guy we were watching water skiing?" "Ya" responds the other.
"So how come this guy is wearing skates?"
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York.
After
the first day's competition, the winners were sitting around in the
foyer
of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about
their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder
and
louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked
them
out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told
him
there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel
guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to
be
less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I
can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A Brief History Of Real Estate Agents
6 MILLION BC: God searches for a planet to establish life. Encounters
real
estate agent from "Lucifer's Planets & Gardens" who says "I've got a
great
deal on a fixer-upper just 90 million miles from the Sun."
5.9 MILLION BC: God buys the Earth and, after the closing, discovers it
is
a mass of molten goo. Angry, God confronts the agent and banishes him to
spend eternity wearing polyester suits.
3.5 MILLION BC: God creates Florida.
3.49 MILLION BC: Thousands of real estate agents crawl out of the ocean
to
scout good condo locations. Market immediately crashes when agents
realize
that "snow birds" won't be invented for another 2 million years.
3 MILLION BC: A meteor crashes into Earth. The resulting crater creates
a
giant black hole filled with green ooze. The Multiple Listing Service is
born.
2.45 MILLION BC: God makes Adam and Eve. However, delays in constructing
Garden of Eden force Adam and Eve to live in an apartment eight months.
244 MILLION BC: Shopping for a move-up garden, Eve visits an Open Garden
and encounters a fork-tongued real estate agent who tells her, "Garden,
why
would you want another one of those? I've got an entire apple orchard
you
can have real cheap."
550 BC: Jealous of rising property values, real estate brokers in Greece
devise a way to attack Troy by using a Trojan Horse.
42 BC: Cleopatra decides to build the Pyramids. Real estate agent and
builder try to convince her that Squares would be much cheaper.
30 BC: Rome touted as "the hottest housing market in Europe" Thousands
of
buyers flock in to make deals with real estate agents.
29 BC: Rome real estate crashes. Julius Caesar calls a meeting of his
advisors to see what can be done. Chief real estate broker Brutus
suggests
Caesar tours Rome to inspire consumer confidence. "Just lead the way,"
Brutus (a CCIM) says, "I'll be right behind you."
1308 AD: Real estate agent list a tower in Pisa, Italy as a "one of a
kind
property. Solid building guaranteed not to lean."
1492 AD: Christopher Columbus lands in America. However, he mistakenly
believes he's in India, thanks to a bogus land survey provided by a
Spanish
real estate broker.
1620 AD: Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. First colonial real estate
agent
promises Pilgrims that Massachusetts is "always sunny and warm. Never
drops
below 70 I swear."
1621 AD: Giant blizzard nearly wipes out Pilgrims. Real estate agent is
banished to New Jersey.
1626 AD: Manhattan bought for 100 beads and trinkets from the Indians.
The
Indians' real estate agent takes 6 beads as a commission.
l803 AD: Napoleon shocks and angers French real estate agents when he
sells
Louisiana to United States without an agent. At 515 million, sets record
for largest "FSBO" sale in history.
1867 AD: United States purchases Alaska from Russia for 2 an acre, after
Russian Czar is given advice by real estate agent that Alaska is
"utterly
useless" land with no value at all.
THE JUDGE
A man is in the dock, the Judges says,"one the 3rd August you are
accused
of killing you wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you
plead?"
"Guilty", says the man in the dock.
At this point a Prudential agent at the back of the court stands up and
shouts"You dirty rat!".
The Judge asks him to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continues "..... and that also on the 17th September you are
accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how
do
you plead".
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the agent stands up and shouts "You dirty rotten stinking rat".
The Judge calls the man to the bench and says "I have asked you to be
quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you
with
contempt of court.
I can understand your feelings about such horrible crimes, but please
tell
me what relationship have you to the man in the dock".
The agents says, "He's my next door neighbour".
The Judge replies "I can understand your feelings then, but you must
refrain from any comments".
The agent says, "Your Honour, you don't understand! Twice I asked if I
could borrow a hammer,
and both times he said he didn't have one".
URGENT BULLETIN
Israeli police were looking today for a man named Joseph, wanted for
looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son
of
a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist and
worked
occasionally as a farmer.
In short, he was a Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from
Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.
Winter In Massachusetts - If you ever spent a winter in snow country...
> August 12
> Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so wonderful here; Walden
> Pond is magnificent. Can hardly wait to see snow on the trees.
> October 14
> Massachusetts is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning
> shades of red and orange. Went for a drive through the forest near Walden
> Pond and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly, they are the
> most wonderful animals on earth. Saw the sunset over the lake. This must
> be paradise. I love it here.
> November 11
> Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such
> a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here more each day!
> December 1
> 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one