Several people would claim that businesses should not only focus on making a profit but also take responsibility for the community. From my point of view, I strongly agree with the argument[BB1].
There is no doubt to claim that the relationship between the development of businesses and the benefit of customers is bidirectional. It means that the attitude of customers plays a crucial role in the expansion [BB2]of businesses[BB3], and the business could earn a large amount of money from the acceptance of customers[BB4]. For example, the environment has been affected seriously recently because a large number of poisonous substances discharge [BB5]into [BB6]during the production of manufacturers. As a result, a strong wave of criticism against the products produced [BB7]by these businesses has arisen so that [BB8]their profits have decreased significantly only for a short time.[BB9]
Based on the above argument, if the businesses only maximize their profits without any considerations about the environment in particular and the community in general, they would not survive in the [BB10]globalization context. For example, the business should enhance the waste process [BB11]technology to reduce their effect on the living condition of citizens as well as natural creatures. It leads to the [BB12]progressively positive attitude from the customers - one of the most important factors to develop sustainably.
In conclusion, I would aver that while making money, the [BB13]businesses should take care of the [BB14]social issues as well. Once they gain an acceptance from the customers, they will become the champion in the fiercely competitive market.
Criteria / Grade / Comment / Note
Task Achievement / 7 / ɵaddresses all parts of thetask
ɵsucceeds to satisfy the minimum required length of the essay by the question
ɵpresents a clear personal position in the introduction and sustain it well throughout the response
ɵpresents, extends and supports main ideas
ɵa logical thread of argument is developed with valid points
ɵpropositions are presented clearly and explicitly
ɵattempts to give examples yet they lack a empirical sense which undervalue the use of justification hence more empirical examples should be factored in further to convince readers / ɵ Essay length: 252/250 words – a ideal length to keep yet it is advisable to extend your essay a bit more and practice in terms of timing is still encouraged.
ɵSee comment boxes of “Task Response” for further references.
ɵ
Coherence and Cohesion / 7 / ɵlogically organises informationand ideas; there is clear progression throughout
ɵuses a range of cohesive devices appropriately
ɵpresents a clear central topicwithin eachparagraph
ɵthe use of cohesive devices is relatively sufficient between clauses as well as paragraphs despite some rare inaccuracies. / ɵYou may consider using more advanced academic cohesive devices such as “However/Nevertheless/Therefore/Hence/…” or “For example/For instance/…” to allow flexibility
ɵPay more attention to referencing that is in line with the subjects.
Lexical Resource / 7 / ɵuses a standard range of vocabulary to articulate on the question given.
ɵuses less common lexicalitems with accuracy and flexibility despite limits at some points as cited
ɵmay produce some errors in word choice, spelling and/or in wordformation which do not impede communication yet these errors need to be addressed through more careful checks.
ɵMore advanced academic collocations and synonyms are advised to boost your answer / ɵTry to use collocations of nouns /verbs by looking the nouns up in dictionary and choose an appropriate adjective/adverb that often goes with the noun/verb – Ozdic dictionary is an ideal reference resource at
ɵPay attention in terms of vocabulary use to avoid repetition by using synonyms (as suggested in the comment box).
Grammatical Range and Accuracy / 7 / ɵuses a standard mix of simple sentences andcomplex forms
ɵmost complex sentences are attempted but applied in an inaccurate form
ɵmakes a number of basic errors in grammar, particularly in verb form and verb tense.
ɵThe issue of articles and verb form can emerge as an issue throughout the response that needs addressing. / ɵAttempt more complex structures more accurately
Overall / 7.0 / ɵPresents a standard overall structure of paragraphing with a sufficient length of the essay.
ɵconvincing points are articulated and illustrated well with balanced justifications for propositions and examples
ɵMakes a number of errors in both grammar and vocabulary which are to be addressed via practice.
Suggested Paragraph Structure:
- Introduction:
ɵThesis sentence (I agree/disagree)
ɵOutline sentence (This essay will discuss…)
- Body: Use PEEC
ɵSentence 1: Point (Topic sentence)
ɵSentence 2: Explain
ɵSentence 3: Extend/Example
ɵSentence 4: Conclusion
Paragraph 2: PEEC
- Conclusion:
ɵOpinion
Model Answer:
Businesses have always sought to make a profit, but it is becoming increasingly common to hear people talk about the social obligations that companies have. I completely agree with the idea that businesses should do more for society than simply make money.
On the one hand, I accept that businesses must make money in order to survive in a competitive world. It seems logical that the priority of any company should be to cover its running costs, such as employees’ wages and payments for buildings and utilities. On top of these costs, companies also need to invest in improvements and innovations if they wish to remain successful. If a company is unable to pay its bills or meet the changing needs of customers, any concerns about social responsibilities become irrelevant. In other words, a company can only make a positive contribution to society if it is in good financial health.
On the other hand, companies should not be run with the sole aim of maximising profit; they have a wider role to play in society. One social obligation that owners and managers have is to treat their employees well, rather than exploiting them. For example, they could pay a “living wage” to ensure that workers have a good quality of life. I also like the idea that businesses could use a proportion of their profits to support local charities, environmental projects or education initiatives. Finally, instead of trying to minimise their tax payments by using accounting loopholes, I believe that company bosses should be happy to contribute to society through the tax system.
In conclusion, I believe that companies should place as much importance on their social responsibilities as they do on their financial objectives.
Source:
[BB1]Vocabulary error (word choice): “argument” means a set of propositions presented in a logical way leading to a conclusion based on such points. However, in this case, there is no argument yet since this is just simply a point of view or a proposition. Therefore, it is advisable to use other more suitable words here such as “proposition/view of point/point/idea”.
[BB2]Vocabulary use (word choice): In terms of development, it may not be necessarily expansion in specific but grow in many dimensions. Therefore, it may be more reasonable to use a general word for development, namely “prosperity”.
[BB3]Vocabulary use (repetition): It will be better to use other synonymous words to avoid repetition such as “corporations/companies/firms”.
[BB4]Task response (precision): “acceptance” sounds not quite natural in English language. Rather, it may be more precise to say “earn a large amount of money/gain significant success from its popularity with the public”.
[BB5]Grammar error (verb form): The subject is “substances” and surely they cannot discharge themselves but are discharged from different sources. Therefore passive voice is required in this clause: are discharged into...
[BB6]Task response (insufficient detail): You need to specify into which these substances are discharged into here: a large number of poisonous substances are discharged into the water, the air and even land.
[BB7]Vocabulary use (repetition): You would want to use a different word to avoid using “produce” in forms consecutively: products created/launched/presented by these businesses.
[BB8]Grammar error (inaccurate structure): “so that” means “in order to”. It is a structure of purpose but not consequence. Instead, it is advisable to use “so” only. Otherwise, it might be even better to use more academic words such as “therefore” or “as a result”.
[BB9]Task response (lack empirical example): It is very good of the author to attempt to give an example. However, this is actually a point rather than an example. You will need to give a specific empirical example to support this. For example, you can quote the example of Formosa’s toxic spill killing an excessive number of water creatures.
[BB10]Grammar error (use of article): There is no specific context of globalisation being referred to here hence “a” is better advised in this case.
[BB11]Vocabulary use (word choice): “waste treatment technology/process” will be more suitable words in this clause to avoid word formation.
[BB12]Grammar error (use of article): Since there can be a number of different attitudes considered “positive”, it will be better to use “a” instead of “the” in this case.
[BB13]Grammar error (use of article): Since you are not referring to any specific group of businesses, it is best to remove “the” to retain the generality of the subject.
[BB14]Grammar error (use of article): Since you are not referring to any specific social issues, it is best to remove “the” to retain the generality of the subject.