Still in the Cabin:
Of Cannibals and Cabins 2
Inspired by the works of Chris Halvorson, Jackson Abernathy, and Andrew Senesac
(c) Copyright 2011
EXT. CABIN - DAY
We see the small green cabin again. It is definitely the exact same cabin from the original “The Cabin”, as well as “Of Cannibals and Cabins”. No mistake about it.
Numerous police cars and official vehicles are everywhere, just like they were when the last script ended. We can’t see any people or animals or anything else though…maybe the budget doesn’t allow for it, not sure, because there were definitely a lot of people around when we last were here.
INT. CABIN - CONTINUOUS
IAN PITT, still as good looking as ever, lies on the ground, an arrow sticking through his neck. If we didn’t know better, we’d think he was dead, as he did die in the last script, apparently. But he’s not dead…yet.
ADDIN, a boy who has caused much trouble and has a really nasty mouth and mean streak, lies in two pieces on the ground next to Ian (remember, the Camera Man cut his head off with Elijah’s giant axe).
Suddenly, Addin’s head comes back to life somehow.
ADDIN’S HEAD
Waz up, bitches?
Then he sticks out his tongue, and looks directly at the camera, being held by the Camera Man, who we haven’t seen yet.
ADDIN’S HEAD (CONT.)
My dick! Why’d you cut my head off,
you dick? How am I going to have
doggy-style sex now?
Then Addin smiles, and thinks to himself about Amber, and how amazing her ass looked in the moonlight, even though he actually couldn’t see it, because she was on top of him.
NOTE: There would be a Flashback to the classic scene in “The Cabin” where we first glimpsed Amber’s amazing ass sticking up in the moonlight, but the budget doesn’t allow for more than four actors (and yes, that means we’ll see two more characters show up here, in the cabin, but not Amber…or Helen…sorry).
The camera spins around and we see the face of the CAMERA MAN. He’s still wearing that silly green cap, and he has remnants of the pastrami hoagie all over his hairless face.
CAMERA MAN
Something just came over me, Addin.
I couldn’t help myself. I saw Elijah’s
giant axe, and I had to chop off your head.
He turns the camera back around to Addin’s head.
ADDIN’S HEAD
What about my dick?
CAMERA MAN (O.S.)
What about it?
ADDIN’S HEAD
Not only can’t I use it anymore, but it
won’t make any sense when I say,
“My dick” now…not that it made much
sense when I still had it, I guess.
CAMERA MAN (O.S.)
Hmmm…well…I could buy you one of
those dildo masks that you wear over your
face that lesbians wear in porno movies, I guess.
The camera pans over to Ian, who opens his eyes (see…I told you he wasn’t really dead!) and starts running around in circles, trying to pull the arrow out of his neck, just like he did right before he died.
Addin’s head has a shocked look on it.
ADDIN’S HEAD
My dick! You’re alive? How can you be
alive? I shot you with a crossbow.
Ian stops running and sits down next to Addin’s head.
IAN
Yes, yes you did, didn’t you. That wasn’t
very nice of you. I was going to make us
all rich and you killed me. Remember, I am
a great force and a great man, as well.
Ian picks up Addin’s head, examines it all over, sets it back down.
IAN
Hmmm, and how are you still alive. Looks
like someone cut off your head.
The camera spins around and we see the hairless Camera Man again.
CAMERA MAN
I cut off his head with Elijah’s giant axe.
He laughs goofily, spins the camera back around.
ADDIN’S HEAD
I’m not sure how I’m still alive. I’ve
never had my head cut off before, but I’ll
tell you that it sucks.
Ian looks baffled.
IAN
Damnit! If only Dr. Smith were still alive
as well, he could probably do some kind
of tests that doctors do to see why either of
us are alive.
CAMERA MAN (O.S.)
I don’t think the budget allowed for anymore
actors.
IAN
Hmmm, yes, you may be right. Does that
mean we won’t have any Flashbacks of
Amber or Helen? Damn, I never even saw
Helen’s breasts, although I definitely tried
to have sex with her. She was half my age.
CAMERA MAN (O.S.)
We’ll have to wait and see. I have footage
of Amber’s ass still in my camera, but I don’t
think Helen’s breasts were ever exposed.
Addin’s head sticks his tongue out, licks his lips.
ADDIN’S HEAD
Damn, I’m hungry.
Ian licks his lips as well.
The camera spins around and the Camera man starts licking his lips like a dog with peanut butter all over its lips.
ADDIN’S HEAD/IAN/CAMERA MAN
Hoagie! Hoagie! Hoagie! Hoagie! Hoagie!
All three guy’s eyes light up at the same moment (even though we can’t really see the Camera Man’s face in this shot).
CAMERA MAN
I’ll go get us some.
ADDIN’S HEAD
Make them all MEAT!
IAN
No meat! NO MEAT!
ADDIN’S HEAD
MEAT, MEAT, MEAT, MEAT, MEAT!!
IAN
Oh fuck it…make them all meat, then.
The camera is sat on a chair looking at Addin’s head and Ian. The door opens and shuts behind us, as the Camera Man leaves the cabin to go get all meat hoagies.
Ian and Addin’s head just stare at each other.
ADDIN’S HEAD
So…
IAN
So what?
ADDIN’S HEAD
So, waz up, bitch?
IAN
Go fuck yourself…oh that’s right…
you can’t, can you?
Ian breaks down laughing. He falls to the ground and rolls over against Addin’s headless body, and delivers an elbow smash to his stomach.
ADDIN’S HEAD
OUCH! I can still feel that, you
nimrod! Get the fuck away from my
body, damnit.
Ian makes a face, as he contemplates the situation.
He grabs a vat of acid (the vat has a label on it that reads: ACID), and dumps it on Addin’s body.
It sizzles and burns through the body. It’s obvious this is a fake body, and you can actually see some stuffing that looks like straw coming out. It looks so pitiful!
Addin’s head SCREAMS out in pain.
ADDIN’S HEAD
I’m gonna kill you again, you great
force, you!
Just then, there’s a loud THUD on the roof above them.
Ian looks up, while the eyes on Addin’s head attempt to look up…but can’t really.
ADDIN’S HEAD
What’s that?
IAN
Hmmm…it sounds like the sound a
flying fox cannibal would make if it
jumped out of a tree onto the roof of
this very cabin.
ADDIN’S HEAD
Huh? How could you know that, you
moron?
Ian adjusts his sack, belches.
IAN
Well, the title of this script is “Of Cannibals
and Cabins 2”, and we’re in a cabin, but
there hasn’t been any mention of a cannibal
yet, and we do have one more character still
that hasn’t shown up yet. And, I did see three
cannibals sitting in a tree…
ADDIN’S HEAD
K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
IAN
No, you twit…get serious for just one minute.
ADDIN’S HEAD
Sorry…couldn’t resist.
IAN
As I was saying…there was a flying fox
cannibal, a snake cannibal, and a dolphin
cannibal. If it were the snake cannibal, it
probably would have slithered in, under the
door. If it was the dolphin cannibal, I don’t
think it would show up in an INT. CABIN
scene in the first place.
ADDIN’S HEAD
Great points.
IAN
So, by means of simple deduction…or is
that Subtraction? I’m not sure…anyway…
it has to be the most feared of all cannibals,
because it can climb trees, live in trees, swing
from trees, and even drop from trees.
ADDIN’S HEAD
You are indeed a great force and alive as
well. You must be correct.
The ceiling splinters (although it’s obviously completely fake and looks more like toothpicks or small, flimsy wooden boards breaking, as the budget is so fucking low), and a rubbery, fake looking THING falls through the hole.
It rolls as it hits the ground, and stands up, dusting itself off. It’s the FLYING FOX CANNIBAL that was sitting in the tree at the very end of “Chris Halvorson’s Cannibal”.
The flying fox cannibal starts attacking everyone, even Addin’s head.
The door opens and shuts behind all this exciting action.
The Camera man picks up the camera and starts filming everything (even though everything has been filmed somehow without him there).
He turns the camera on himself.
CAMERA MAN
Watch this, bitches.
The camera spins around again. If you had problems with the camera work in Blair Witch Project, you’ll probably already have puked in this clunker.
An all meat hoagie is tossed toward the cannibal, who grabs it and starts eating just like it was human flesh.
Another hoagie is tossed to Ian, who also starts wolfing it down.
ADDIN’S HEAD
Hey, that better not have been my all meat
hoagie you just gave him.
CAMERA MAN (O.S.)
Would you rather we gave him your body
to eat?
Ian stops eating for a second, scratches his sack again.
IAN
That’s it! I have an idea. Let me finish this
delicious all meat hoagie first.
He keeps eating, while Addin’s head looks on ravenously.
ADDIN’S HEAD
You bitches! I’m starving.
Ian throws him a stalk of celery.
IAN
Here, munch on this.
The celery lands right in Addin’s head’s mouth, silencing him finally.
CAMERA MAN (O.S.)
What’s your plan, Ian? They’re all out of
hoagies outside.
IAN
If I can communicate with the beast, I
think I can trick him..hopefully he’s not
listening now, or we’re fucked because
I’m an idiot…a great force…but an idiot.
Ian finishes his hoagie and stands up, still chewing like the pig that he is.
He approaches and addresses the cannibal.
IAN
(still chewing)
Can you understand me?
The cannibal swallows the rest of his hoagie, lets out a giant BELCH.
CANNIBAL
Of course, I can, you asswipe. You think
I’m some sort of mongaloid or something?
IAN
Well, Elijah wasn’t the sharpest
arrow in the quiver, you know.
CANNIBAL
No, he wasn’t, but he was a fucking hermit,
for God’s sake. When’s the last time you saw
a smart hermit?
ADDIN’S HEAD
Good point, Mr. Cannibal…good point.
CANNIBAL
So, Ian, you fuckwad, how were
you planning on tricking me? Or
should I just eat you first?
Ian grabs a hold of himself like he has to pee really badly.
IAN
No, I’ll tell you…
CANNIBAL
Were you going to try and get me to choke
on this pervert’s head?
IAN
That’s a good idea, but no.
Addin’s head looks on in alarm, as he tries to chew through the celery stuck in his mouth.
CANNIBAL
Were you going to try and chop my head
off with Elijah’s giant axe?
IAN
No, I was going to fake like I was going to
chop your head off with Elijah’s giant axe
and then I was going to grab the crossbow
and shoot you in the neck.
The flying fox cannibal scratches his head, looks over at the crossbow lying on the ground.
CANNIBAL
Hmmm, not bad…may have worked, and
you are a great force, so you never know…
but, I’ll eat you first for trying to shoot me
with the crossbow.
Ian looks terrified.
CANNIBAL
But first, I have to tell you something…
IAN
Is it about Helen?
CANNIBAL
Yes, Helen’s melons.
Ian angrily moves forward.
IAN
How dare you! I loved her!
The flying fox cannibal laughs.
CANNIBAL
Loved her? You hardly even knew her. I
watched and listened from the trees as you
tried to take advantage of a young girl half
your age. You should be ashamed…
IAN
I wanted to know her…and wanted to…
CANNIBAL
See her breasts and have sex with her…
I know, I saw and heard it all. Disgusting,
if you ask me.
Ian looks completely ashamed and dejected.
IAN
But I’ve always been a great force and I
thought…I thought…
CANNIBAL
You were right, though. Elijah told me her
tits were amazing. Even better than the
first girl he ate whose tits were just hanging
there when she had sex over and over in
the shower.
IAN
I knew it! I should have tried harder to see
those perfect orbs.
The cannibal cracks his neck, motions to Ian to come closer.
CANNIBAL
Time’s up, bitch, come to Pappa.
IAN
No! Wait. I’m a great force. Eat that asshole
camera man first. He’s been wearing that
stupid green cap the whole time. He deserves
to die first.
The cannibal looks into the camera, smiles, smacks his lips.
CANNIBAL
Yes, you’re right. You are a great force and
deserve to die last.
The cannibal grins from ear to hairless ear…approaches the camera.
CANNIBAL
You’re film career is over, motherfucker.
I want meat.
The camera shakes wildly.
CAMERA MAN (O.S.)
No, wait! Eat Addin’s body first! Let me film
it and make you one of the richest cannibals of
all time.
Addin’s head tries to speak but the celery is still wedged in his mouth. He shakes his head back and forth and almost falls off the table.
The flying fox cannibal looks over to Addin’s headless body and licks his sick looking, puppet-like lips.
CANNIBAL