Sells 6
Amanda Sells
Academic Writing & Research 22518
Deb Moore
23 Apr. 2013
The Emotional Development of Children with Same-Sex Parents
Parenthood is a privilege that is often taken for granted, but when a loving couple gives birth to or adopts a child, it is a win-win situation for all involved. However, when a same-sex couple attempts to complete their family, many concerns are raised in terms of parenting. Although children of same-sex couples may be teased and bullied, their emotional development is completely normal – and, occasionally, better – in comparison with children raised by heterosexual parents because they are raised like most other children, they are surrounded by a caring family, and they learn from their struggles rather than being afflicted by them.
From the heterosexual perspective, it seems that children can only suffer with homosexual parents. The primary concern is that these children will experience such relentless teasing, taunting, and bullying simply because their lifestyle is different that they may develop depression and other mental illnesses later in life. Studies have shown that in some instances, children of same-sex parents have been affected by the sexual orientation of their parents.
According to an article written by Vivien Ray and Robin Gregory in an issue of Family Matters at the Australian Institute of Family Studies, “just under half (44 percent) of children [in primary school] had experienced being bullied” (31). Ray and Gregory examined the frequency and effects bullying across several groups of school-aged children with gay parents in both primary and secondary schools. Their results are astonishing.
While examining bullying in primary schools, Ray and Gregory found that “the kind of bullying and teasing that [the children] experienced involved disparaging remarks and taunts such as: ‘I don’t like gay people’” (31). Bullying, in accordance with the article, comes in many varieties. Many children are referred to as homosexual themself, and if the taunting continues and expands, it can become physical. “Another form of teasing that affected the children was the use of insulting language that denigrated gay men and lesbians. For example, children were called gay if they did something that didn’t please another child or said something ‘uncool’,” Ray and Gregory claim (31).
Teasing and bullying continues into adolescence. Ray and Gregory discovered that “just under half (45 percent) [of the children participating in the study who attend secondary school] had been the victims of teasing or bullying that was related to the sexuality of their parents” (32). Older children of same-sex parents, however, seem to suffer harsher forms of bullying. One of the young participants describes an instance of physical bullying that she experienced: “I had apple cores and banana peels and rocks thrown at me every time I walked past them. ‘Dyke, dyke, dyke’ they’d call at me. I used to get very scared; very frightened’ (Ray and Gregory 32).
These children experience all of this abuse on a daily basis simply because their parents are homosexual, and because many children see or hear about the persistent taunting that others living in their same situation undergo, they go to great lengths to hide or circumvent their parents’ sexuality. “Almost one quarter (22 percent) of children [in primary school] had not told anyone about their parents’ sexuality and another 22 percent had only told one person” (Ray and Gregory 31). Children in secondary school also made attempts to hide their parents’ sexuality by “not inviting friends over or setting up a false room to pretend their parent’s same sex partner slept there” (Ray and Gregory 32).
Despite the pain and fear that children of same-sex parents may feel from being teased and bullied, the pros of having gay parents certainly outweigh the cons. Many people feel that because a child is raised by same-sex parents that he will lose the advantage of having both a male and female figure in his life, but children of gay parents are raised much like the children of heterosexual parents and develop a quality of life that is just as sufficient. An article appearing in an issue of The Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter by Dr. Margaret Paccione-Dyszlewski clearly supports that assertion by stating that “scientific evidence demonstrates that children of gay and lesbian thrive as well as children in heterosexual parental relationships” (5).
Understanding that children of gay parents develop completely normally can also bring to mind more questions such as how is it possible for a child to develop like other children with two moms or two dads? According to an article written by Bridget Fitzgerald for Marriage & Family Review, previous studies have shown that there are “no indication of differences in gender identity in a group of children being raised by lesbian mothers and a group being brought up by single heterosexual mothers” (164). From Fitzgerald’s research, it can be concluded that children develop gender identity at an early age and predominantly independent of their parents, which means that a child will identify as a male or a female without their having same-sex parents influencing that decision.
Furthermore, the objective of becoming a parent is to have a family. Gay and lesbian couples have the same intentions when seeking a donor for artificial insemination or when adopting, and children of same-sex parents are just as loved and desired as children of heterosexual parents. In her article, Paccione-Dyszlewski later states that “looking beyond the sexual orientation of the parent to the quality of the home environment and the ability of the parent to consistently meet the emotional, social, and physical needs of the child will better inform potential for raising a happy, healthy, and well adjusted child” (6). Paccione-Dyszlewski’s point is that society should be less concerned with the sexual orientation of the parents of the child and more concerned about the quality of parenthood that each individual raising the child exhibits.
Children with heterosexual parents are not the only children with loving and caring families. When a child with heterosexual parents scrapes his knee or is teased by another child, his parents are there to help and support him just as a child’s same-sex parents would be in the very same instance. Ray and Gregory found in their study that “primary school children… tended to recruit help [after being bullied] by talking to a parent” (31). This proves that children of same-sex parents have strong relationships with their parents just as children of heterosexual parents do. Having a confidant, especially in times of trouble, strengthens the family ties between same-sex parents and their children, which can create a more positive home environment than some experienced by children of heterosexual parents.
It has been proven that children of same-sex parents experience great social turmoil. From physical abuse to teasing and taunting, they face social struggle every day, but they also overcome it. It can be said that children of same-sex parents are some of the toughest and most forgiving people because they learn from their experiences rather than letting them weigh them down. In her article for the Journal of GLBT Family Studies, Marjorie G. Welsh states that “a number of participants [in the performed study] believe having gay or lesbian parents contributes to their strength of character, resiliency, and overall self-confidence” (59). Dealing and coping with their everyday social feat teaches the children of same-sex parents to not only be more accepting of others but also more accepting of themselves. It teaches them to appreciate the lives that they live.
Being the child of same-sex parents has benefits as in the study performed by Ray and Gregory, which claims that “[secondary school students] felt their upbringing led them to tolerance and an acceptance of difference” (33). These children understand what it is like to be different, what it is like to stand out and be undesirably noticed. One student, also included in Ray and Gregory’s article, says that “I’ve been able to grow up with an open mind. And I bring that into the world and create more open minds… I’ve taught my friends about homosexuality. I’ve been a support for gay kids” (33). These children are changing the face of tolerance and acceptance in this world. Rather than being wounded by their struggles, they are channeling their emotions into positivity and progress.
In the same sense, children of gay and lesbian parents understand that they are part of a minority. They know that they are unique and special, and they take advantage of that. According to Ray and Gregory’s study, “[primary school] children were glad to be a part of the gay community. They enjoyed socializing with other gay people at events… They also felt that getting together with other children in families like theirs, either socially or in a formal group, was a distinct advantage” (33). These tightly knit communities are just as important for the healthy development of these children as having strong relationships with their parents.
Being a parent is a gift – a gift that same-sex couples graciously accept, but the heterosexism that they face every day prevents them from achieving their ultimate happiness. However, it has been clarified that having same-sex parents has nil effect on the emotional development of the children. These children are simply happy to have two parents who love them beyond words. They do not care about their sexuality, and the world should not, either.
Works Cited
Fitzgerald, Bridget. "Children of Lesbian and Gay Parents: A Review of the Literature." Marriage & Family Review 29.1 (1999): 162-73. Academic Search Premier. Web. 17 Apr. 2013.
Paccione-Dyszlewski, Margaret. “Children of Same Gender Parents: What Is Known.” The Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter 24.2 (2008): 4-6. Academic Search Premier. Web. 7 Apr. 2013.
Ray, Vivien and Robin Gregory. "School Experiences of the Children of Lesbian and Gay Parents." Family Matters 59 (2001): 28. Academic Search Premier. Web. 17 Apr. 2013.
Welsh, Marjorie G. "Growing Up In a Same-Sex Parented Family: The Adolescent Voice of Experience." Journal of GLBT Family Studies 7.1/2 (2011): 49-71. Academic Search Premier. Web. 21 Apr. 2013.