FORMATION in the Family

FORMATION in the family

One or two quick, positive,personal examples would be especially useful here to make the point relatable, i.e. by watching Dad open doors for Mom, boys tend to see women as special and deserving of courtesy. Make sure the examples are not simply male and female roles.

(Example not available)

Prayer

Give a quick personal example of what we mean by praying for a specific grace.

[Mark]

What do we mean by “praying for a specific grace?” Here’s an example. If Dolores and I are a little at odds, I can pray for the grace of compassion and open my heart to understand what it is like to be her. I may not want compassion and so I can “block” out the grace because I fear being taken advantage of or because I am holding on to being right, but if I let go of those blocks I can be filled with compassion and a much more loving perspective that brings us closer and makes us both happier.

Point out with personal examples how you can resist or limit grace that God wants to give you.

[Dolores]

Here is an example of a “block” for me to an examination of my own formation. I was raised in a household where we were taught always to respect my parents. To examine my parents’ marriage in a critical light for purposes of discerning my own formation made me feel like I was being disrespectful somehow or betraying a trust by revealing matters that were personal and private. Moreover, I feared that it might affect Mark’s relationship to my parents when I wanted him to love them and feel close to them.

[Mark]

When Dolores and I came to the Living in Love weekend, I felt skeptical about the whole thing. I agreed to come because Dolores wanted to go, so I went along. When we got to the formation exercise, I was very skeptical since I felt that I had already chosen a relationship that was in my mind very different than my parents’ relationship. I didn’t believe that any parallels in behavior existed because the relationships themselves seemed so different. So the blockage for me was my skepticism about the relevance of the exercise.

SHARING:
Both spouses may share.
1-2 minutes.
/ Share how you are personally resisting the grace to see how you have been influenced in your attitudes about sexuality and what has helped you to lessen your resistance.

• Mention other typical resistances not included in the personal sharing.

(Sharing not available)

Discernment of Formation

Share how you would answer the questions:
 Who was the center of life in your home growing up?

 Who made the decisions?

 Who had the final say?

Then, identifythe consequences for your marriage.

(Sharing not available)

Mother's relationship with father

Sharing
Team Wife
3-5 minutes
/ Give an overview of your parent's relationship, both positive and negative. If not already shared, include your response to the question about who was the center of life in your home growing up. Then, share specifically how your mother related to your father sexually and the resulting impact on your marriage relationship now.

[Dolores]

I grew up in a household with parents who had a loving marriage that lasted for forty years, until my Dad’s recent death. Despite the fact that the marriage was loving and happy, I still brought things from that marriage into my own that were not helpful for my relationship with Mark.

For instance, in my home growing up, my dad was the breadwinner. He was a physician who worked long hours and my mom made all the decisions that had to do with the running of the household. Consequently, early in our marriage, whenever something needed to be fixed in the house, I would call in the appropriate professional (plumber, carpenter, electrician) without bothering Mark. I felt like I was doing my “job” and I expected him to be pleased. Instead he felt excluded. He is very handy around the house. Sometimes the jobs I had “contracted out” were jobs that he had planned to do himself. Because of my formation I expected to take charge and get things done, and I expected Mark to be appreciative of my efforts. I discovered that this was not the way that Mark envisioned our household. Instead of being appreciative, he was upset. Mark felt irrelevant, unconsulted, even controlled. I never meant to make Mark feel as though I did not need or appreciate his gifts and talents and that he had no say in his own home, I was just acting out my unconscious formation. and in so doing missing out on opportunities to love him more effectively”

Similarly, when I was growing up, my mom handled all the finances and financial decisions, add to that the fact that before we got married I was a lawyer living on my own and handling my own expenses and you can see that I came into marriage with an independent attitude about money and the expectation that I would be completely in charge of the money that I earned. .This hurt Mark who from the beginning expected us to be equal partners when it came to finances. Because of my formation I felt anxious about being accountable for what I spent was and afraid of losing my independence. I unwittingly could make Mark feel as if I did not trust him or want to make decisions together with him.

The dynamic between my mother and father was that my father always tried to please my mom. My mom had an expectation that my dad would always accommodate her wishes, especially when it came to decisions about the household or the children. Because this is what I was used to, I suppose I unconsciously expected Mark to defer to my wishes, particularly in the areas of the household and childcare. To my surprise early on in our marriage he made it clear that he had strong opinions about such decisions as which furniture to purchase or where we would spend Christmas, which are areas that my father never got involved in. Somewhat to my frustration, Mark would not just go along with my decision if we disagreed. The fact that I thought it was “normal” for the husband to defer to the wife not only caused conflict between us, it limited my ability to be for Mark and made Mark feel as if he were not valued nor considered. I could really hurt Mark and damage the respect and trust between us by rejecting his involvement in our family life. It never occurred to me at the time that it was not in the best interest of the marriage for one spouse to get their way and another to give in).

Father's relationship with mother

Sharing:
Team husband.
3-5 minutes.
/ Give an overview of your parent's relationship, both positive and negative. If not already shared, include your response to the question about who was the center of life in your home growing up. Then, share specifically how your father related to your mother sexually and the resulting impact on your marriage relationship now.

[Mark]

My parents’ marriage was a long and loving marriage. It lasted forty years, until my Dad passed away in 1991. They enjoyed each other’s company, and were physically affectionate with one another. One of my fondest memories is of them holding hands while walking on the OceanCity boardwalk. Even so I also picked up attitudes and expectations that were not helpful in loving Dolores. My Dad had a strong personality and my perception was that he was the dominant one in the relationship. He was a schoolteacher with a wife, five children, and occasionally a grandmother in the house to support, so he took on extra work and always had two jobs and sometimes three. As a result I tend to think that it is my job to always be working which can take time away from my relationship with Dolores and can often disappoints her. I can also take on much more work than I should and become over burdened or emotionally absent because my formation tells me that is what a man does.

As a child I remember that Dad was not around very much and when he was around, he really didn’t play with us, but rather had us help him with various household projects and yard work and such. I did not like that and so, as a result, I almost automatically do the opposite. Dad was always so serious; so I play with my kids a lot. I goof around and act silly with them in a way my Dad never did. The problem with this behavior is that it often leaves Dolores in the position of being the sole disciplinarian. She’s got to be the “heavy” and she can feel isolated in this role.

When we got a little older, my Dad started a pool business in the summers, which he operated out of our home. My mom worked as a secretary before she had her children, so she was enlisted to help with the filing/typing/phone calls, etc. My mom and dad sparked frequently when it came to decisions about the business. This has caused me to avoid conflict at all costs . This pattern would lead to periods of coolness between us or hidden resentments that would frustrate Dolores efforts to get close to me. It also made me reluctant to involve Dolores in any business decisions, despite her amazing intelligence and many skills, leaving her feeling disrespected or shut out and causing needless isolation or loneliness.

My Dad was a tough guy. He was very stoical about health matters, and not one to express emotions readily. He especially didn’t share health concerns with my mother because she tends to be over anxious regarding health matters to begin with. He even drove himself to the doctor’s office when he knew he was having a heart attack. As a result I developed the same stoic and independent attitude about my health and instinctively shut Dolores out of such matters even though she is not over protective like my mom. The most obvious example is that A few years ago, I found a lump in my lower leg that turned out to be a horrible form of cancer. To spite my alarm I could not bring myself to share my feelings with Dolores, which would have been a great comfort for both of us. I eventually underwent surgery at MemorialSloanKetteringHospital in NYC for it. Even with all of this distressing news, I found myself playing the tough, stoical role too. I was anxious and worried, but I didn’t feel comfortable initiating a conversation about my fears with Dolores. . It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to Dolores about my health, and perhaps death, but I didn’t want to initiate the conversation. When Dolores would ask me about things, I would offer a stoical answer that I think led Dolores to believe that I didn’t want to discuss anything. My concept of how a strong man acts with a woman was clearly formed by my perceptions of my father, whom I admire, but it robbed Dolores and me of closeness and left her feeling shut out and left me bottled up inside and all alone. This formation can still cause me to expect Dolores to take the initiative in asking me about things when I am worried or upset and at times even to expect her to automatically know what I am feeling.

Relationship with our parent of the opposite sex.

sharing:
Both spouses.
1-2 minutes each. / Describe your relationship with your parent of the other sex and any parallel in relationship with husband or wife, positive or negative.

Wives with Dad

[Dolores]

I really enjoyed talking with my Dad. When we were growing up my Dad would drive my brother and I to school in the morning and we had great talks. Even though he had a busy schedule he was always there for us in the evenings or on the weekends. Whenever I had a particular concern I preferred to talk to my Dad. Unlike my mom, who was more excitable and quick to start offering advice, my Dad would listen quietly and calmly. He had a way of making me feel confident in myself. I liked to talk about philosophical things with my Dad. I don’t mean textbook philosophy, but more homespun stuff, like “what’s the purpose of doing what we do everyday”, and “how should we lead our lives”, things like that. I loved thinking and talking about these “big picture” questions.

I expected Mark to share my excitement at questioning the way the world worked and our larger purposes, etc. But He would look at me hesitantly sometimes when I tried to enlist him in the kind of conversations I had with my Dad and I would feel let down or disappointed and confused at his reluctance. I had to learn that Mark is a more concrete person, interested in history, opera and sports, and to respect Mark’s brand of intellectualism even though it is different from what I was brought up with.

Another example of my experience in my relationship with my dad causing me to place unrealistic expectations on Mark has to do with expecting Mark to anticipate my needs and provide for them without my having to ask. My dad was a lavish provider and took the lead to make us comfortable in every situation and I unconsciously expected Mark to be the same way. This all crystallized for us in an incident where Mark and I were walking in New York City in very inclement weather. Mark offered to call a cab and although I desperately wanted one, I politely declined. I realize now that I resented having to admit that I wanted one because dad would have not asked; he would have simply provided it. Poor Mark had no idea why I was angry since he had sincerely offered and I was left feeling uncared for, mistreated and sorry for myself.

Husbands with Mom

[Mark]

My relationship with my mother was that of the “favored son.” I was a good student. I played three sports in high school, and played football throughout college. I am the only one in my family, out of five children, to graduate from college and even have a post-graduate degree. I was a reliable teenager. I didn’t smoke or drink. I came home when expected at a time when my brothers came in at all hours. So I got special treatment from my mom. She was always deferential to my ideas and opinions and rarely told me what to do –. I think that because of this formation, I tend to be prickly when Dolores questions my actions, and to a lesser extent, when she questions my ideas and opinions. I have a low tolerance for criticism, and I tend to get defensive quickly. Most of the time Dolores is simply trying to communicate helpful information. My defensiveness can hurt her, and make her feel like she has to walk on eggshells around me.

My mother is very loving, very warm, and very welcoming.

She was an amazing caregiver but her care giving was centered on my physical well-being. And so we mostly spoke about concrete things. She did not inquire about my feelings, hopes, dreams or my relationship with God. . Dolores is not like that. Dolores is a wonderful caregiver as well, but Dolores is concerned for the well-being of the whole person, not just their physical well-being. This is different for me – especially when Dolores asks me spiritual questions or general state of my world questions. I try to engage in these conversations, but it is hard for me to do unless there is something specific to talk about. I sometimes find myself thinking, “What simple, single sentence will get me out of this conversation without getting Dolores mad at me.” I can feel like a fish out of water flapping around on the pier and Dolores can feel rejected or shut out and think that I do not want to be close to her.

Personal Sharing Formation in the Family 8 Dec 2006 Page 2S -1