Relationship Smarts

Part 2

Class Notes

When angry, a person is not in his or her “thinking” brain. The angry brain is not the smart brain.

PARTS OF THE BRAIN

Cortex(thinking brain)

Limbic(emotional brain)

Mid-Brain and Brainstem(regulates body functions-impulsive)

The human brain is very complex. It has many unique parts that control every function of the body, whether a person is aware of its function or not.

The lower brain or mid brain/brainstem regulates vital bodily functions such as breathing, heartbeat, body temperature, reflexes and reactive impulses, including response to threat.

Many people may have heard of the “flight or fight” response to threat or danger. This response is located in the lower part of the brain.

When someone is threatened, under stress or becomes angry he or she is operating in this lower brain state.

When someone is angry and in the lower brain state, the brain perceives a threat and reacts impulsively.

The lower brain doesn’t think it reacts!!!!

Higher parts of the brain involve the limbic system-often called the “emotional brain” and the cortex.

Cortex-the thinking brain where logic, perception, planning, problem solving, reasoning and formal thinking take place.

It takes years of experience(emotional and cognitive) for the limbic and cortex parts of the brain to become fully functional. The cortex is not fully developed until the early to mid twenties.

****As the higher brain develops with experiences and age, it exerts more control over the reactive impulses of the lower brain. So, older people then tend to have more “control” over their impulses and reactions than children.

When a person is angry the brain feels threatened and endangered. In that situation, a person is governed by the reactive and impulsive lower brain-not the thinking brain.

During anger the brain is flooded with stress hormones that can act to override one’s rational thinking brain.

Stress hormones can give you energy but too much in your system can reduce your ability to think clearly. This is why it is not easy to talk logically to someone who is in a anger state. The angry person is operating in the lower brain state. It is only when he or she returns to the thinking brain state that they can reason and talk things out.

TIME OUTS

It takes at least a half an hour to calm down. By taking a time out a person can calm down and allow the brain to return back to operating in a higher, thinking brain state. When using a time-out, drop it for now…come back and discuss later, but within 24 hours…but wait at least 30 minutes.

*****At this point in class, I demonstrated what the angry brain looks like with a jar of clear water in which I added glitter to represent the stress hormones that appear during an argument.

Your system can’t function well because the pathways are not clear(the glitter). You need to let the hormones (glitter) settle so that you return to the thinking brain.

Rules for time-outs

  1. Don’t rehearse negative thoughts or vengeful comments you plan to make when you talk again.
  1. Do try to identify what is really behind the anger.
  1. Do have a few soothing messages to repeat to yourself when you are angry to replace the negative thoughts that can keep you angry.
  1. When asking for a time-out never say: You need a time-out…instead say we or I need a time-out.

Speaker-Listener Technique

The speaker-listener technique offers rules and structure for keeping a difficult conversation under control. It ensures that both people are heard and that the tension generated from a conflict can be used productively.

During the course of an argument, while the other person is talking, many people spend that time thinking about what they are going to say next and usually don’t listen to what the other person has to say.

The speaker-listener technique requires that the listener focus on what the speaker is saying and then he must paraphrase back to the speaker exactly what he said.

Rules for the speaker:

  1. Stay on one topic
  2. Speak for yourself…your opinion, point of view
  3. Make a few statements and then pause so that your listener can paraphrase back to you what you just said.

Rules for the listener:

  1. Don’t disagree or interrupt…when it is your turn to speak, then you may disagree
  2. Listen and try to understand what the speaker is saying
  3. Paraphrase back what you hear the speaker saying
  4. Ask questions to clarify if needed.

Patterns that Damage Relationships

The fifth principal of smart relationships….communication is vitally important to healthy relationships. Researchers have discovered that the ability to communicate and handle conflict over time is one of the best predictors of a couple’s success.

All couples have differences but it is not whether a couple has conflicts and differences but rather how they communicate and resolve their conflict that matters.

Identify the danger signs in communication:

These danger signs are the most damaging patterns in any relationship. When engaged in too often they become a poison to a relationship.

E-Escalation is when routine conversations erupt into destructive or out of control arguments. During escalation hurtful things are said. People in more successful relationships are often able to stop themselves before it goes too far. Taking a time out allows you to stop yourself before the fight escalates.

PD-Put Down or Invalidation happens when feelings are discounted or ignored. Someone’s character, feelings, thoughts and opinions are put down. This also may occur when positive actions are ignored such as acknowledging an improved report card.

NI-Negative Interpretationsare felt in a relationship when another person makes negative interpretations of something someone has done. These interpretations can take over your view of the other person so that you only see the negative.

W/A-Withdrawal/Avoidanceoccurs in a relationship when someoneavoids talking aboutimportant things. It can be quite frustrating when you want to talk things over and work out differences and the other person doesn’t want to talk about it. Sometimes, however withdrawal is the right step to avoid escalating an argument.

There are three important questions to ask about one’s feelings to gauge the emotional health of a relationship. Is it:

  • Conditional or unconditional?
  • Disrespectful/controlling or respectful, equal and supportive?
  • Mostly physical or attraction on many levels?

Signs of dating abuse or warning signs a relationship may be headed toward abuse include:

  • Pushed into having sex
  • Feelings, words and interests are ridiculed
  • Partner makes fun of you
  • You are constantly worried about upsetting your dating partner
  • Your dating partner thinks it is okay to explode or fly off the handle frequently
  • You frequently have yelling matches…later on, he or she never wants to talk about it and acts like it never happened.
  • He/she checks your cell phone
  • Lies/cheats and comes back apologizing
  • Makes you stop seeing your friends and hates your family
  • Wants you to spend all of your time with them, gets jealous
  • Partner is into drugs and alcohol and expects the same from you
  • Doesn’t want you to succeed
  • Has to give approval on anything you do or buy(clothing)
  • Scares you
  • Checks up on you, pressures you, accuses you
  • Slaps, shoves or pushes you