Dating in Midlife

Dating in Midlife
By Karen Clevering, Clinical Content Editor, Working Solutions. © 2003 Working Solutions. All rights reserved.
Last Reviewed: January2004

Dating after a divorce, the loss of a loved one, or the end of a relationship can be uncomfortable and sometimes scary, but it can also be a very exciting and fulfilling experience. Although it may initially be difficult or feel strange, here are a few tips to ease into the dating scene again.
Getting Started –
The rules for dating have changed in the past few years and are probably very different than how you remember. Now that you are dating again, it's important to recognize what has changed so that you can be prepared and be safe. Take some time for personal reflection and get to know yourself before you jump into the dating scene.
Find Closure –
If you are still grieving the loss of a previous relationship, you are not ready to begin a new one. Give yourself time to move away from past hurt and misunderstandings and just relax because it may take a while. If you are having a particularly difficult time, talk with your friends about your feelings or seek support and advice from a professional. Be sure to tackle any unresolved issues from your former relationship, if possible. This includes financial complications and/or custody problems. If you have a pattern of unsuccessful relationships, this may be a time to assess what you should do differently in the future.
Have Confidence –
Though many things may have changed over the years, don't be intimidated and lose confidence in yourself. Consider your most cherished and valued qualities. Write them down and post them in a prominent place so that you remind yourself daily of who you really are and who you want to become. Gradually add to the list any qualities or attributes that you would like to develop in your life, and don't be afraid to ask your friends for their input too. Sometimes it can be very difficult to really accept or see all of one's qualities. Self-confidence is very powerful in helping you make healthy choices and decisions, and it is also attractive and welcoming.
To truly understand and assess what you are looking for in a potential partner, take intentional time to get to know yourself and get in touch with who you are now. Some singles rush into new relationships in an attempt to escape loneliness, but this premature urgency may cause you to make unhealthy choices. If you have recently ended a long-term relationship, give yourself time.
There are many different ways to rediscover yourself:

Build or strengthen your support network. This may be necessary, especially if you had become dependent on the companionship of a former partner.
Reconnect with old hobbies and interests. They can provide a creative release or become a way to discover new interests.
Assess your emotional and physical health. Are you emotionally ready for a relationship? Are job related stresses holding you back? Consider changing unhealthy habits or talking with a therapist if you are having a hard time tackling them alone.

Whom Do You Want to Meet?
Have in mind a general idea of what kind of relationship or experience you are looking for. This includes identifying whether or not you want casual dating or a serious relationship. Knowing in advance can prepare you with healthy and realistic expectations.
Be careful not to create a lengthy list of essential attributes to measure potential dates. This only limits your experience. It is very important to be open at this time, if not for a romantic interest, then perhaps in a new friendship.
Meeting People –
Too many times the fear and intimidation of the current dating environment keep many midlife singles out of the dating scene. The typical bar filled with a crowd of unfamiliar faces can be daunting to anyone. It may be easier for you to take another approach to meeting other singles. Here are a few suggestions.

Friends can be a very useful starting point. Let people know that you are open to meeting and dating new people. The benefit of a friend's matchmaking is that this person probably has a good idea of what you want and what might be a good match.
Activities and organizations are excellent ways to introduce yourself to a new group of people that share common interests. Consider taking classes or joining a club.
Dating services can take many different forms. Personal ads run in most papers, but a newer, updated form of this approach can be found online. With immediate access to many singles and the ability to maintain anonymity, online dating has become very popular and a preferred method for many busy singles. Some popular sites include:

Dating Safety –
Though dating can be a fun, exciting and fulfilling experience, exercise caution and common sense. Don't rush into a relationship before you have a chance to get to know the person and are comfortable with him/her. Proceed slowly and remember that some people might not have the same intentions in dating as you do. Here are a few essential tips for safety:

Plan a first date in a very public place.
Travel to the location separately.
Tell friends or family where you are going, when you expect to return, and the name of the individual that you are meeting.
If you are dating online, never give out any personal information (address, phone number or workplace) before getting to know the person.
Be careful and cautious about all potential health risks.
Always follow your instincts.

Conclusion –
In terms of history, midlife dating is a relatively new phenomenon, so relax and have fun. There are many different ways to meet other people and get to know a little more about yourself at the same time.