The Bad, Really Bad, and Really Really bad Fishing Joke Page
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!!!! (I told you they were bad)
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut it's nose off
What is the fastest fish in the sea?
Go-carp.
What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?
Don't worry, it's only a tin of people.
If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland.
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
Show me your mussels.
How do you kiss a pike?
Very carefully
What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?
A pike going on holiday.
Why do they call him 'River'?
Because the biggest part of him is his mouth.
What do you get is you cross a rose with a pike?
I don't know but I wouldn't put my nose too close to smell it
Why did the salmon cross the road?
Because it was tied to the chicken.
Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?
Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don't do swaps.
Why do they call him 'Fish'?
Because he cannot keep his mouth shut.
How do I avoid infection from biting insects?
That's easy - don't bite them
What is the wettest animal in the world?
A reindeer.
What lives under the sea and carries a lot of people?
An Octobus
Where do you find a crab with no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
What is yellow and dangerous?
Pike infested custard.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.
What do you get if you cross a whale with a computer?
A four ton know it all.
Why did the lobster blush?
It saw the Queen Mary's bottom
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the sea weed.
Why are fish smarter than mice?
Because they live in schools.
What fish terrorises other fish?
Jack the Kipper
What should you do if you find a shark in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.
What do you call a pike with a gun?
Sir
What do you call a deaf pike.
Anything you like he cannot hear you.
How do you stick down an envelope under the water?
With a seal.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What can fly under the water?
A bluebottle in a submarine
What has antlers and sucks your blood?
A Moose-quito
Little boy what are you fishing for?
I'm not fishing, I'm drowning worms
What do you call a neurotic octopus?
A crazy, mixed up squid.
What do you call a baby whale that never stops crying?
A little blubber
What kind of sea creature eats its victims two by two?
Noah's shark
What side of a fish has the most scales?
The outside.
What swims and is highly dangerous?
A trout with a hand grenade.
What did one sardine say to the other sardine when it saw a submarine?
There goes a can full of people.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather
What fish terrorises other fish?
Jack the Kipper
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room
Mother: Have you given the goldfish fresh water today?
Son: No, they haven't finished the water I gave them yesterday.
What fish are musical?
Piano tuna.
Where do ghosts swim in North America?
In Lake Erie.
Don't swim in the sea, A shark just bit off my foot!
Which one?
I don't know. All sharks look the same to me.
Mummy why can't I go swimming in the sea?
Because there are sharks in the sea.
But Mummy , Daddy is swimming in the sea.
That's different he is insured.
What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What whizzes along a riverbed on three wheels?
A motor-Pike and a side-Carp.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin
Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank.
What is the best fish on ice?
A skate.
Why did the trout cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.
Where do whales get weighed?
At a whaleweigh station.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch
An Englishman goes fishing in deepest Scotland. He is out there, wind howling, rain pouring when all of a sudden wham rod bends line shoots out. After about an hour he lands the fish and gets it out of the water. He is about to cosh it when the salmon says "please don't hit me". The Englishman can't believe his ears "a talking salmon, what's your name" he asks "Rusty" replies the salmon, after a while he says goodbye and returns the fish.
Two years pass, the Englishman goes back to do some more fishing and he is back out there again. The rain is driving. The wind is howling. He is wet and fed up. Just as he was going to pack up he strikes. Hours pass and still the king of fish is fighting. After another hour he lands the fish. He gets out the priest when the salmon turns and says "remember me?" "Good grief" cries the Englishman its Rusty "How are you? What have you been doing?" "Well" replies the salmon, "I have been swimming around the sea and I found this wreck. I was so impressed with this wreck that I am going to write a book on it." "What are you going to call it?" asks the Englishman.
"Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty" replies the salmon!
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line
What is the best way of stopping a fish from smelling?
Cut off his nose.
Submitted by reader Paul M, Munden, MD
The game warden couldn't figure out why Jack (a man of many fish but few words) always came home with a creel full of fish. The warden suspected foul play so he invited himself on a fishing trip with Jack. They boarded a small rowboat and worked their way out to the center of the lake in question. Jack reaches into his knapsack, pulls out a stick of dynamite and lights the fuse. "Now wait a minute here Jack," the game warden says, "this type of business is strictly illegal!" Jack hands him the dynamite and says, "You gonna fish or you gonna talk."
Submitted by reader - Bad Fishing Riddle
Two fathers and two sons went fishing - how many people were there?
Three - get it? Haw! Haw!
Submitted by reader
Have you ever thought about the size of the one that got away ?
It seems to grow each time you tell the story.
The true meanings :
What is said What it really meant
We got a lot of fish! The rest of the guys caught all of these - I got nothing
This fish put up a great fight It cost me a fortune at the Market
Submitted by reader Don @discover.net
What do you say to a guy with his lure in the seaweed?
Your fly's down!
Submitted by reader Robert J. Dettmann
Why don't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Submitted by reader Mreddish at AOL
My son and I went fishing in our little row boat last weekend. I tried to get my handkerchief out of my back pocket. In doing so my wallet fell out of my pocket and into the water. As it started to sink a carp swam up and grabbed a corner of it. A second later another carp grabbed another corner. Soon they were joined by two more carp on the other corners. My son was fascinated. That was the first time he had seen carp to carp walleting.
Submitted by readers Fred, Michelle & Linda McCulloch
How can you tell when a fishermen is lying?
Watch his mouth real close if it moves his lying.
Submitted by readers Mando & Daneice
When I was much younger , I remember landing a really nice Red Drum. When I was getting off the boat a man asked me where did you catch that fish ? I replied and gestured from right here in the mouth.
Submitted by reader Mike Moat @yahoo.com
Why did the shark cross the road?
To get to the other side
Why did the bass cross the road?
because it was the sharks day off
What is half fish and half zebra?
A striped bass
What is part captain hook and part fish?
A codfish
If you put together a baby seal and a red headed girl what do you get?
The little mermaid
Submitted by Marilyn Mighton Ontario Canada
Bill, Fred, and John were out fishing. Suddenly Bill cought a huge fish that pulled him off the boat and into the water. Fred dived off the boat and came up a few minutes later with Bill. John did mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and commented, "I don't remember Bill having such bad breath!" Fred looked at Bill and said, "I don't remember Bill wearing a snowmobile suit, either!"
Submitted by Suanne and David
Bob and Jimbo were out on the lake one morning. They were having a great day, pulling in fish after fish, until the boat was full. When it was time to leave, Jimbo says, "Boy, the fishing here was great! Hope we can remember how to get back to this spot next time". "Well", says Bob, "let me fix that!". He pulls out a piece of chalk, and puts a big "X" on the side of the boat. "Now, we'll know where this place is next time". After rowing halfway back to shore, Jimbo suddenly says, "Wait a minute, Bob! What if we don't get the same boat???!!!".
Submitted by Dave Harden
This is kind of a visual joke so try and imagine a little bit
Did you hear about the one armed fisherman?
He caught one this big! (holding one arm out)
Submitted by Jim Thompson
Sid and I went fishing one day when Sid tied into a really big bass. After about a half hour battle, Sid was not gaining any line. He looked at me and said "I think it is snagged." Being a diver I stripped to my shorts and dove over the side of the boat to try and free the fish. As I came up after my dive I said "That fish is caught in the steering wheel of a 1934 Plymouth that is at the bottom of the lake." Sid asked if I could get it out so I went down again. I came back up for air and said "You might as well break the line, we will never get that fish." Sid asked "Why not?" I replied "Every time I reach in the window to untangle that fish it goes and rolls the window up.