Waiting on Mr. Right
by William Harris and Laura Harris
Takes place in a fairly upscale restaurant. The décor is a bit dated and the establishment itself is largely empty. TOM enters and approaches a WAITER.
TOM: Hi, table for two, the reservation is under Crane.
WAITER: Ah yes, I shall take your coat and hat. (Waitertakes coat and hat, puts them on his own body)
TOM: On second thought I think I’ll hold onto them.
WAITER: (mimicking Tom)On second thought I think I’ll hold onto them.” But of course sir.(He places hat on Tom’s head and puts the jacket over Tom’s shoulders and then leads him to the table)
TOM: Uh. Thank you.
WAITER: With whom are we dining this evening?
TOM: My wife, Barbara.
WAITER: Ah, we have a wife!
TOM: Yes. May I have a drink, please?
WAITER: What would you like?
TOM: A margarita. On ice.Salt around the rim.
WAITER: Salt is around all drinks I serve. It keeps the spirits inside.
TOM: All your drinks?
WAITER: To keep them inside.
TOM: To keep what inside?
WAITER: Spirits.
TOM: Oh?
WAITER: Yes they can be unruly. (Kicks the edge of the table and looks around ominously Leaves to get the drink).
TOM:Really going to need that drink.
(Barbara enters looking a bit embarrassed)
BARBARA: Sorry, Tom, have you been waiting long?
TOM:Well it’s felt like a while. Our waiter seems a bit eccentric.
WAITER:(returns with Tom’s drink) Barbara Crane, your arrival was foretold!
BARBARA: Foretold?
WAITER: Isn’t Tom a lovely man. Excellent taste in hats.But bad at sharing. May I get you a beverage? (Tom shakes his head furiously)
BARBARA:Just some water to start with I guess.
WAITER: I’ll go bless some right away.
BARBARA: Umm… sparkling?
WAITER: Oh you. (leaves with Tom’s hat)
TOM: Darling, this restaurant was your idea.
BARBARA: The woman from my yoga class said the brisket was to die for.
TOM: We might actually die here.
BARBARA: Don’t be silly, Tom, the waiter loves you, he’s just a bit… quirky.
TOM: If he takes my jacket again, I’m leaving.
WAITER: Here we are, sip on that sweet consecrated goodness! Sweet Barbara.(Pulls out a third chair and sits down at the table with them.)Tell me, what, in 50 words or less, would you say is the key to your love?
TOM:I’m sorry?
BARBARA: Well, Tom is a wonderful dancer.
WAITER:(Seizes Barbara across the table) Tango! The dance of passion!
TOM: Do you mind?
BARBARA: And he speaks German.
WAITER: Ah who knew that such a guttural language could be so incredibly romantic! Barbara, das Museum istnichtoffen.
BARBARA: Oh myyyy!
TOM:Uhhhhh.
BARBARA: And he loves cats.
WAITER: Meow, meow, purr (gently bats at Barbara’s shoulder)
TOM: Not to be rude, but would you mind getting us something to eat?
WAITER:(to Barbara)What sort of food does Tom like?
BARBARA: He likes steak, quite well done.
WAITER: Disgusting. And for you?
TOM: Wait I haven’t even said what I want yet! And could you stand back up please, you’re supposed to be our waiter here.
WAITER: Yes of course sir. I regret your service has been unsatisfactory. Sir’s hat (puts hat back on Tom’s head.)
BARBARA: Tom,we don’t get to come to a nice place very often.
TOM: Nice place? This place is practically empty and we’ve got a total crackpot as a waiter!
BARBARA: Well you don’t have resort to name-calling! Sorry, Tom gets a little cranky when he’s hungry. I’ll have the udon salad.
WAITER: Of course, wondrous, understanding Barbara. I will return shortly with your tough, dried-out steak, sir. My most abject apologies. Sir, I’m sorry, but could you stand up for just a moment? (Reclaims Tom’s hat and coat and leaves in a hurry.)
TOM:MOTHER OF...
BARBARA: Tom, language!
TOM:But he…
BARBARA:Tom!
TOM:I’m sorry Barb. He doesn’t bother you at all though? I mean he’s very nosey, and I feel like he’s kind of hitting on you maybe, and he keeps stealing my clothes all the time...
BARBARA: He reminds me of you! A taller, more assertive you.
WAITER:(Re-enters)Allow me to remove a stray hair from Sir’s shoulder.
TOM: YEOWCH!
WAITER: Oh I’m so sorry, that was still attached. (takes out a small doll clad in scrap of Tom’s jacket and wraps hair around doll or puts hair in the doll.)
TOM: I swear to God, Barb.
BARBARA: So, Tom, how are things at work? Still on the account for that client in Pennsylvania?
TOM: Yeah, definitely until the end of October.
BARBARA: I just hope you won’t miss the Morrisons’ Halloween party. I already have our costumes.
WAITER: Dearest Barbara! And Tom. I have returned with your food. (puts down plates and seats himself. Gives Tom his hat and coat back.)
TOM: Um, I don’t think that...
WAITER: Behold, I have fashioned a small figure of Tom, as a token of my affection.
BARBARA: Aww, how cute! Look, it’s even got on a piece of your jacket!
TOM: What did you do to my jacket?!
WAITER: Truly, I could not do Tom justice. My talents lie in the areas of the occult and cookery, not haberdashery. Look how the arms bend and twist! (He begins waving the doll’s arms in the air. Tom begins to wave his arms in unison with the doll’s)
BARBARA: Yes that is quite lifelike!
WAITER: And the legs, the epitome of bipedal transportation! (Tom begins to move his legs in time with the doll)
BARBARA: I told you he was an amazing dancer! Ow! No more dancing at the table, honey.
TOM: I think I’m having a seizure or something.
WAITER: He’s got the fever. Look at him go.
BARBARA: Wow, so did you make that yourself? (Waiter hands her the doll and she begins to move parts of it) Look at those little legs! Settle down please Tom.
TOM: I can’t stop!!
WAITER: No, why should you stop your wild bacchanals to appreciate the food I slaved over, my own humble handicrafts, or the sweet, sweet company of your wife?
BARBARA:(Still playing with the doll) Typical Tom. He never pays attention to me.
WAITER: The fool, the blind, blind fool.
TOM: Isn’t anyone going to help me?
BARBARA: Ow! Tom! You kicked me!
TOM: I can’t help it!
BARBARA: You have had a bad attitude since I sat down here! If you didn’t want to come out then you should’ve just said so!
TOM: Barb, wait! (Barb drops the doll on the table as she exits, Tom lies facedown on the table unable to move)
WAITER:Say Tom, do you suppose that this restaurant might be cursed? (Tom grunts). Yes it does sound a bit silly to say out loud, but I can’t help but notice you’re having little trouble there.
TOM:(manages to lift his head to speak)You’re behind this somehow, aren’t you?
WAITER:No. I’m fairly sure that it’s just the restaurant, Tom. It must be a cursed restaurant with waiters that can never die, never age, never leave… unless they can find someone else to take their place! Wow, what are the odds that we would end up in such aterrible bind like this?
TOM: You’re crazy. Wait, aren’t you a waiter here? (Waiter slams the doll back onto the table. Tom’s head smacks down again)
WAITER:Dear God, they got Tom! Fear not, valiant Tom, I shall take good care of Barbara!
TOM: MMPH!
WAITER: Indeed, Tom, you couldn’t be more right! I should take your hat and coat. To confuse the spirits.Very canny, old man. But wait, the restaurant spirits will expect for there to be a waiter here, won’t they?
TOM:GLRRRGH!
WAITER:Yes, that’s brilliant! (takes off his apron/other waiter clothing and puts them on Tom, puts on Tom’s hat and coat). We make such a good team, don’t we? That’s very important, because if we don’t work together, the restaurant might steal your wife and trap you here forever. I mean, I would hate for that to happen, but--
(enter Barbara.)
WAITER:Ah, Barbara, my darling!
BARBARA: Tom?
WAITER: Yes, it is I, your husband Tom. I apologize for my behavior. I was boorish, a fool, and much less handsome than I am now. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but I promise to be better.
BARBARA: Well… if you’re really sorry.
WAITER: Wracked with guilt. Now let us away!
BARBARA:Say, are you a little taller? (they exit together)
TOM:(Struggles and finally manages to pick up the doll)Hey, this thing is kind of cute. (Plays with doll, his body moves in unison)Shit!
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